The Secret to Unlocking

Ultimate Confidence

Ep. 143 with Elle Russ

“Detach yourself from people that are toxic and judgy.”

Elle Russ

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Bio

Elle Russ is a #1 bestselling author, show host, and thought leader on confidence, self- esteem, and intention. She is also a world-renowned thyroid expert.

Elle has written for Entrepreneur and has been featured in Success Magazine, HuffPost, Podcasting Magazine, Mind Body Green, Prevention, and more.

Elle is the author of Confident As Fu*k and The Paleo Thyroid Solution – a book which has helped thousands of people around the world reclaim their health. She is also a TV-Film writer and the screenwriter of the award-winning documentary film Headhunt Revisited.

For a decade Elle has been coaching people all over the world in a variety of areas. Visit ElleRuss.com to learn more. Elle holds a degree in Philosophy from The University of California at Santa Cruz. She lives and plays in the mountains above Malibu, California. Elle is an avid reader, hiker, swimmer, stand up paddler, and comedy binger.

Show Notes

The only confidence mastermind you may ever need! From quiet confidence to people-pleasing, Elle Russ is bringing the insights for building a confidence that will show up in every aspect of your life. There are even some dating tips in here for dealing with rejection and knowing how to remove comparison from the equation.

If you have any comments or questions about the Be It pod shoot us a message at [email protected]. Or leave a comment below!

And as always, if you’re enjoying the show please share it with someone who you think would enjoy it as well. It is your continued support that will help us continue to help others. Thank you so much! Never miss another show by subscribing at LesleyLogan.co/subscribe.

In this episode you will learn about:

  • Everything you want in life on the other side of that is confidence and self-esteem.
  • Confidence is ancestral; survival, confidence, and how they are intertwined ancestrally.
  • How you can get rid of the downers in your life
  • How jealousy conflicts with confidence
  • Why you can’t allow rejection to affect your self-esteem
  • The reason health and confidence are tied together
  • Confidence doesn’t mean being louder or speaking up more
  • How to begin to show up authentically confident

Episode References/Links:

Transcript

INTRODUCTION

Lesley Logan
Hey, Be It babes. All right, I got something for you. You do not need to listen to this week’s podcast on 2.0 speed. As you know, I already live my life in 1.5 speed and my guest this week, Elle Russ. She and I, just I fucking love her. This is going to be a great interview. If you have, if you’ve ever wondered like how to be confident, she’s about to just like, give you a total master class in it. So get your notepads out, get the save button on there. You’re going to want to follow her, find her and take all the things she has. I got so much out of this because I think there are some things that I didn’t realize I was doing as a confident person. And so first of all, I got like tons of affirmation on this. It’s not that it’s about me, but truly like I think some of us, some of you might be wandering around thinking you’re not a confident person all the time, but you might listen to things she’s saying realize, whoa, you have a lot more confidence and you’re giving yourself credit for and others you might be going, “Oh these are the blips that I have.” And if you are someone who doesn’t feel confident, you are someone who is people pleaser, if you’re someone who’s just constantly lacking in boundaries, you are going to get educated and it’s with so much love from Elle and I who really truly, no you need this, you need this, you need this to go through the life that you want to have. You get this one life on this planet and I am really excited for you. So if you are on a walk and you can’t take notes, don’t worry you’re gonna re listen to this because you’re gonna there are so many gems I already want to go back and I’m gonna have to have Elle back again because we didn’t even get into a bunch of stuff I wanted to talk to her about. So here she is, get ready to get your confidence masterclass, right now Elle Russ.

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Lesley Logan
Welcome to the Be It Till You See It podcast where we talk about taking messy action, knowing that perfect is boring. I’m Lesley Logan, Pilates instructor and fitness business coach. I’ve trained thousands of people around the world and the number one thing I see stopping people from achieving anything is self doubt. My friends, action brings clarity and it’s the antidote to fear. Each week, my guests will bring Bold, Executable, Intrinsic and Targeted steps that you can use to put yourself first and Be It Till You See It. It’s a practice, not a perfect. Let’s get started.

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EPISODE

Lesley Logan
All right, Be It babes. I’m really excited. This woman is pretty friggin successful and doing some amazing things on this planet. And you can see her work in some incredible magazines which I’m sure she’ll tell us all about, well how she did that. But I just I saw her profile on a place where I look for amazing guests, and I was like, “I have to talk to this woman. I have to talk to her.” So, Elle Russ, you are (Elle: Hi.) here at the at the Be It Till You See It podcast. Thank you for being here. Can you tell everyone who you are and what you’re what you’re being these days?

Elle Russ
Well, I am a number one best selling author and master coach,.I have two books that I coach people all over the world and those topics. One is thyroid health, I wrote a book called The Paleo Thyroid Solution. I suffered greatly at the hands of uninformed doctors, wrote a whole book about it became a best seller. And so I’m sure forever an eternity I will be known as like the thyroid expert happy to do that because it’s such a prevalent problem. On the other side, my other book, Confident as F*ck, is also a pretty widespread problem, because 80, 85% of people in the world are lacking and low self esteem and confidence. And everything you want in life on the other side of that is confidence and self esteem. Period, end of story, from the bedroom to the boardroom, if you want to be a parent that’s modeling it to your children, you have to have it. So this is not necessarily about like, how to have confidence and go speak on a stage to 50,000 people, that’s part of it. But there are people that go and speak on a stage to 50,000 people and they get off the stage and they can’t fucking talk to their neighbor or their loved one or draw a boundary with a family member. And that’s no good, either. That’s not confidence either. And then there’s people that are quiet, and confidence can be quiet. You know, this is not about being boisterous, or extroverted or like me, where you know, I can just sort of talk freely like this, that is not what it’s about. But being confident as fuck is inside and out. You know, it’s not a manufactured version of you. Right? It’s getting to the point where you feel it through and through. And when you do that, life is fucking great, life is so much better. I live such a great life because of my confidence. It’s a absolute superpower. But it’s not that it hasn’t taken hits over the years, you know, and it’s not that this, I’m sure you probably have some examples yourself in your life. It’s a constantly growing endeavor. Now, when it comes to me, I’m pretty quick and making these decisions if I see that I need to draw a boundary, I can get it right away, versus maybe some other people listening who might struggle and walk away from conversations going, “I wish I said that. Or I wish I did.” You know, and here’s the thing, when you’re confident as fuck, you don’t have that, because you actually say it, I don’t have any regrets. I say all the things I need to say, I never walk away from things going, I wish I, now on the other side of that confident people have pitfalls. (Lesley: Yeah.) And we got a lot to learn from the people that might be a little shy or a little less. So sometimes people that are shy when they do speak up, they tend to be a little bit more diplomatic, you know, super confident people are ready to be like here’s my opinion, you know what I mean? (Lesley: Yeah.) So, so the book, I take you through sort of scraping the barnacles off of your life. And then of course, I have the Ultimate Confidence Course, which is, you know, just a huge monster of a course that dives deeper into it. But essentially, it’s going through your life and scraping off the barnacles and the things that are preventing you from prevailing in this world. And (Lesley: Yeah.) so, before I just keep going on a …

Lesley Logan
I have … like (Elle: lecture) sorry, I got so excited. First of all, you made me think of ‘You’ve Got Mail’ ya know? When she’s like, “I wish I could just say the thing.” And he’s like, “Be careful because when you say the thing, then like you’ve said the thing.” Like you know, and so (Lesley laughs) you, I love that …

Elle Russ
Speaking of has consequences. Yeah.

Lesley Logan
Yeah. But I also, I also love that you pointed out that like you coming on here on the show, and you talking like this doesn’t mean that like, that’s necessarily confidence, because I do think that’s, that’s actually why I created this podcast, because the number one question I get asked is like, “How are you so confident?” And I’m like, “What …” I mean, I am a confident person, but what about what you’re seeing is makes you think that I’m confident in everything that I do it or that like, I’m not nervous, or like I don’t have like some sort of fear around the thing, like, and so I think people see, those of us who can be, I call myself a high functioning extrovert can go up there and talk to people and do a thing that might have obstacles along the way or might have to go have some fear and go, “I don’t have that.” It’s like but you can be quietly confident. And you can also you don’t have to be speaking on 50… 50,000 people, or it doesn’t be a goal to be a confident person. So, I really love that you pointed that out. Okay, so but then let’s back up a step like, were you always like this? How did you like was there a time where you like needed to build this confidence? How did you go, I need to write a book about being Confident as F*ck.

Elle Russ
You know … (Lesley: What’s the good beginning?) Yeah. No, people ask me that question all the time. Like, like, “Who are you? And why the hell would you write a book about this? And you know, who do you think you are?” Right? So and here’s the truth. I am one of the most confident people, I know. I am. Now, that was not without its hits over time. I would say that, well, here’s the truth. Everyone’s born confident. Okay. It’s just stuff along the way. So unless you were like, came out of the womb and punched in the face. Okay, there’s people that are grossly abused as a baby. Yes. Okay. But in general, when you’re growing up, at least the first formative years, you know, kids are like, “No, give me that.” They have no problem declaring their shit taking what they want. No. Yeah. You know, I mean, you see it, it’s inherent within us and one of the things that kind of connects with my work as a Paleo Primal Ancestral Health Expert is confidence is ancestral. It is, we it’s an evolutionary edge that we have. Okay. So why is that? Well, (Lesley: Yeah.) first of all, what is it? So confidence is not some like anchored quality within you. It’s literally the sum of the thoughts you think, and the actions you take. Both of those things are changeable, it’s at everyone’s disposal. And so confidence has an ancestral edge it provides, it helps us navigate challenges and tasks and social situations without pause, without fear. Thus, it propels us in the direction of our dreams and goals. Now, nowadays, we have this luxury of wallowing in self despair, and pinning in self judgment. But you know, I want to talk about our hunter gatherer ancestors, because these motherfuckers life was harsh. Okay. It was unforgiving. It was unrelenting. It kept throwing challenges at them. Can you imagine our hunter gatherer ancestors moping around when their heads hung low if they didn’t catch the beast, saying to another of like, “Maybe I should give up hunting? I’m not good at it.” No. They forged ahead, okay. And here’s the truth. And this really comes from this author, Art De Vany. He’s fond of saying “to the hunter gatherer, there is no failure. It’s only feedback.” And that is true about confident people. We have the perspective that failure is feedback. It is not a dig on us, and a means to give up. And so can you imagine back in the day, if like, the water source was tainted, and Joe was sitting around crying, they’d be like, “Joe, we gotta go, man.” Like, (Lesley: Yeah.) we gotta go.

Lesley Logan
This is so … Okay. This is the first time I’ve heard people use confidence to the hunter gatherer because (Elle: Yeah.) we do a lot. (Elle: I’m the only one …) Yeah, we go, we talked about them a lot, because we talked about like, the fear and the mindset. But like, (Elle: Yeah.) this is really interesting because I, I think you’re right, I think we have almost, we almost have too much time on our hands to think about what we didn’t do.

Elle Russ
It’s a modern problem. Now, where we don’t want to be like them is like, yeah, they would have probably dragged us into caves by our hair. (Lesley laughs) No human rights. Okay. You know, we evolved, but also with evolving, and I don’t even mean biological… biologically, I mean, just adapting to modern society. We need to get back more to the hunter gatherer mindset when it comes to this, because here’s the thing, back in back in the day survival, we don’t have these survival threats. We have food and water and shelters, and you know, most people have access to this stuff. So survival required that our ancestors regrouped and forged ahead to the next challenge when they faced unfavorable, you know, unfavorable circumstances. I mean, they did things with a purpose and a goal, of course, but had the outcome not been to their advantage. They accepted it and moved on trying again later, or devising a plan or an alternate plan. Right? That is …

Lesley Logan
They would tell stories, like they like they literally say, like we all are, we evolved, and we survived, because we had this ability to tell a story. So they would use their failure, they would use the challenge to tell a story for other people to learn from, rather than like, “Oh, I’m the worst hunter in the world. I gather …”

Elle Russ
Right. I feel so bad. Maybe I shouldn’t do this anymore. Do you think I should do this? I’m no good. I mean, it just that, like, it’s not even a possibility. And again, because survival was the driving factor. We don’t have that driving factor anymore. Now, this is not a health discussion. But unfortunately, modern society technology, go go go. It is driving that fight or flight and an unnecessary threat of survival. That’s not really there are these false threats. Right. You know what I mean? (Lesley: Right. Well …) But in general, so so that’s why I like people to look at it, it is your birthright. It’s inherent within you. Something happened along the way, you met a teacher that told you, you’d be nothing. You know, your parents told you, you were stupid, they labeled you as a brat, like, whatever the story is, and that’s why I take people through in the book and the course, more in depth. All of those things. We go, like, parental garbage, what, what’s the stuff we got from those people? You know, what kind of downers are we hanging out with? There’s so many people out there friends, loved ones that are gonna project a lack of confidence onto you. What are you going to do about it? And so I’m happy to give some specific examples. Whatever you want.

Lesley Logan
Yeah, let’s let’s go into that because I I definitely think I think a lot of people have some doubts, or maybe they’re listening that maybe they are the downer and like, so we can get into that in a second. But like, and I don’t and I always say that I think if you’re listening to this and you recognize that, like, hey, first of all, that’s like enlightenment, what a great awareness for yourself. But I do feel like people get stuck around the downers because they make excuses. Like, I can’t let this person go or listen to other podcasts. Like we’ve been friends for 25 years. How do I let her go? I’m like, “Oh, my God”, like you don’t have to, like you don’t have to keep relationships around just because they logged the years.” So, I obviously that’s the confidence person that I am and like,”It’s okay, if they just, you know, we’ll circle back around when they’re ready.” What do you say to people who have a really hard time getting rid of the downers in their life?

Elle Russ
You’re living a lie. You’re hanging out in some type of relationship, because you fear what someone may say or think about you. But the truth is, you don’t really want to hang out with that person that usually happens nine times out of 10. You know, you hear a person talking, you’re like, “I don’t think you even like this person.” Like, “Why are you hanging out with them?” Like, “Why are they your friend?” Well, but I’ve known them for so long. Oh my gosh, you know, life is short man. And we are the sum of the people we hang out with. So, you know, an example of a downer friend or family member, it’s like, you know, if you keep telling your sister Mary about all your exciting business plans, or goals, or dreams, or whatever, and every time she’s like, “I don’t know, like a lot of new businesses fail. I don’t know, if you just start a business or you’ve never started a business.” Or these kinds of snide remarks that people give you. It’s, again, it’s just their fear of failure projected onto you. And so if you allow that to come in and affect you, which is really all your choice. Now, you can buffer it by just not hanging out with these people, stop sharing your dreams with Mary. Stop sharing your dreams with your fucking sister. Mary is a person that always doubted yourself and should be doing for 20 years, if you think suddenly, she’s gonna get fucking excited. And by the way, I tell you something, once you achieve this thing that Mary doesn’t believe you can, she’ll still find another way to downer it. Okay. (Lesley: Yeah.) You’re never gonna win. Alright. And it happened to me even several times through writing a writing a book, I even had I tell a story in my book about how I had a, one of my best friends of 30 years. And this is another reason to be with friends that are pretty confident, is you can just be straight up. You know, I’m a very direct communicator, as everyone has already gathered in these minutes. And so my friend calls me we’ve known each other for 30 years, I’m writing my first book. And he goes, she calls me just like, “Hey, how’s it going? Are you getting stuff done? Are you writing like, we’re …” Like, almost as if a nervous parent the night before a big test for the, you know, the kid and kind of, and I this is what I say to my friend, “Hey, man, you’re being a fucking downer right now. First of all, don’t project onto me something you’re not confident in just because you’ve never written a book or anything in your life. When have I not finished everything I’ve said I was gonna do? I’ve written stuff. So you know, for you to hang over my head here. Like some parents just being the kind of fucking downer.” You know.

Lesley Logan
Right. It’s almost like they’re, they’re one because they probably don’t finish things. So like, “Oh, let me see if Elle didn’t isn’t finishing, because that’s gonna make me feel better, because I don’t finish things.” And (Elle: Right.) and you’re oh my gosh, you made me think of this. We had a person who wrote like, Why You Have to Talk About Mental Health in the work… in the workplace and was based on like, people who like shame your wellness plot, like if you’re like, “I’m going for a run.” Like, “Oh, must be nice for you to go for a run.” Like, they just want everyone to not run with them. So I love that you are direct with that. That’s amazing.

Elle Russ
And he was directly goes, “Okay, you’re right. Sorry, my bad.” And we moved on. Now, here’s another example, that example wraps up in, what if I didn’t say anything? Now I’m holding resentment two years from now something similar happened to go, you know, that last time. You know, two years ago. No …

Lesley Logan
You’ve never, you’ve never been supportive. You’ve always been looking for me to fail. And they’re like, “Where’s this coming from?”

Elle Russ
… Yeah, get it out there, then that way, you have no hidden resentments, you know. The other, the let me just talk about something else. I want to talk about people pleasing in my book. And this is a big problem and …

Lesley Logan
Oh, people pleasing is its own form of control and lack of confidence. Right?

Elle Russ
100%. A form of control. And also it is literally so you know, you hear people, “Go oh, poor Mary,” like she never gets those days. Oh, she’s so nice. She’s too nice. If you ever hear someone say that about you or someone else worry, because you know what that means? You’re a liar. People pleasers are liars. Now, if you’re out there, and you’re people pleaser, sorry to tell you this. But that is the truth. You’re a liar. And by the way, one of the reasons everyone loves people with confidence is because confidence equals authenticity. Authenticity reigns supreme period. That’s why we look at confidence, we trust a confidence person, confidence in themselves. Anyone listening right now would go, “I bet she knows what she’s talking about. She sounds like she has …” Right. And again, I’m not performing that is really true and inherent within me. But that’s the case. So people pleasers don’t speak up or they don’t really truly say what they believe about things because they’re too afraid of someone rejecting them or you know, someone not liking them or what someone’s opinion is. And so when you do that, you are really, you’re what you’re doing is you’re putting forth a false projection of yourself. It’s a false view. And no one can really love you or be your friend or be tight with you. If you know inside, you’re not really you know, you’re not …

Lesley Logan
Well, and also, like I find as a confident person. When I’m around a people pleaser, it makes me really uneasy because I’m like, like, because they’re kind of like all like, they’re like, “Do you want to do this? Do you want to do this?” Like, “We can do this or I can make you this, which like make you cake. I can make cookies.” And it’s like, just like what do you want to make right now. It’d be really awesome if you would just make a decision because then I could just say yes, “I want that. Or actually I’m good right now.” You don’t have to make me anything. It’s almost like it’s a little …

Elle Russ
It’s over giving. It is over giving sometimes. Now, I’m a helpful person. I love to make stuff for people. I’m always offering help. I’m known as a super connector in my industry. I love helping other people out. That’s another thing. Confident people encourage other people’s success. So when you see like a brash chick out there who’s kind of bully type and you think that’s confidence? No, that’s just a bully. That’s just an uncoated bully who has some baseline of confidence, but they’re fucking misusing it just like a con man. It’s no different. They’re misusing their confidence. Okay. And so that’s not confidence when someone’s bragging and being boisterous. That’s not confidence. We always, it always feels gross, because it’s insecure, because they’re trying to prove something to somebody. I mean, the truth is, is that confident people don’t, you know, it’s funny I used to, when I when I talk with private clients, when we have like an intake call to make sure we’re fit before we do something, you know, with life coaching and mentorship. I think sometimes at the end of that call, they’re expecting me to sort of hard sales them. And I don’t at all, I’m just like, “Hey, it’s all good. Think about it. There’s no pressure here. Talk to you later.” Like I because I’m, I don’t have to push it. I’m confident when I do. I only want people to come to me who want that. And it’s funny, because I’ve had a few clients who said, “That’s the thing that actually sold me on it.” And I’m like, that’s kind of reverse psychology that I wasn’t planning. Right. It didn’t. It’s just it’s not me, because I’m confident enough in my abilities that I don’t need to push you to work with me.

Lesley Logan
Yeah. So, I tell this to our, I tell this to our my husband has always been in sales. And I found myself in retail sales. I never thought I was a salesperson I was and I was what like number one salesperson. And everyone’s like, “How are you doing this?” And I’m like, “I just ask people how they’re doing, and then show them things that they like, and then go, do you want this one or this one? Both? Want me to wrap it for you?” Like, there’s not like this, like, “What would you like to do?” Like it’s just being directly, being authentic and when, when how that translates to our business is all of our members can tell you. We don’t tell to them. We’re like, “Okay, tell me what your goals are. Here’s what we do. This is where we can help you. What would you like to do?” You know?

Elle Russ
Yeah. Make it or not if it’s for you, it isn’t? That’s cool. I am not. You know, because here’s the thing, we all know what it’s like to be sold to and then regret it and then feel kind of cheated and trickened. And everyone’s sort of regretting that, you know, salespeople have this like list of objections. Right. (Lesley laughs) … objection, what do you say it’s so canned, right? We all hate this stuff, at least I do. So I don’t do that at all, either. One of the things that’s really important about confidence is aside from being comfortable with failures and mistakes, and speaking with authority, like I was saying before we encourage and foster and celebrate the success of others. (Lesley: Yeah.) Confident people don’t compete. Now, what do I mean by that? Because that sounds a little strange. There’s a difference between competing and competing against, you know, so for example, I always say I never compete, I just compete to be the best and win. So you’d be like, “Well, Elle you know, what, if you’re like, in a marathon, there’s obviously like, 50 women in there, you know?” And I was like, “Yeah, but see, my mental thing would be, I’m just going to win.” I don’t think of myself. And it was like, “Oh, I can’t wait to beat Kathy and wait to see the look on her face. I’m not competing against.” And you see, there’s a big vibrational difference there. One is my pleasure at the end of it has to do with your failure. The other one is just me being the best and winning and you know, when I often win a lot of competitions, and I believe that the favors are going to be tipped, that it’ll be tipped in your favor, when you have that type of non competing outcome. Also, you know, if someone came to me, and they’re like, “I want to be a writer. I want to be a podcaster.” I’m like, “Great.” My first thought isn’t, “Oh, no, what if they become more successful than me? What if they …” So (Lesley: Right.) confident people don’t have a lack of abundance. And so they’re not competitive against other people. And so if you see that, that is wrong, get out. The other thing too, is we’re not jealous. Now, it’s not to say that jealousy doesn’t come up, but it would be like, immediately gone. (Lesley: Yeah.) Because again, it’s, um, you might look at someone and be inspired by that, like, “Oh, man, they got a private jet. And so I would love that.” Or something like or you know. Yeah, that’s cool. That’s that lets you know what you want. But when you’re jealous, you have a lack of mentality. And here’s the effed up thing about people who are projecting a lack of confidence onto you and jealous people. Essentially, jealousy is hoping that the person who you’re jealous of fails, full stop to really dig into it, you are kind of hoping for the failure of the person you’re jealous of having the thing that you don’t have, it’s not fair. Why did they get it? Why did they get it?

Lesley Logan
Well and then … (Elle: You’re like hoping for failure. Terrible.) And there’s no way you can be successful because you spent all your energy on the hopes of their failure. And so you can’t (Elle: Totally.) see and you know, what is so crazy is and I liked that you pointed out it doesn’t mean that they don’t have moments of like a jealous moment where like, oh, but it just tells them I want that thing. And there’s a quick, there’s a quick reaction to that nope, that doesn’t actually live here. So there’s a reframe of oh, I didn’t know I wanted that or I want to do this and it’s not about like, let me go down the confident people are not going down the rabbit hole of Instagram to see what this person has been able to do or not do.

Elle Russ
100%. You’re not, you don’t even care. You don’t even look because you just don’t even care. And another couple another thing I’d like to mention is and this is going to sound harsh. This is a quote from a guy named Andre Dubus and this would be for people that feel very shy eyes are really like soft spoken and feel like they have that outward part that’s hard. It’s gonna be hard to hear. But there’s a lot of good juice in here, which is, shyness has a strange element of narcissism. The belief that how we look, how we perform is truly important to other people. Guess what, it’s not, no one gives a shit. They’re all thinking about themselves. So it is sort of this weird self aggrandizing, everyone’s looking at me, the people pleasing. It’s everything that’s outside of you. And you’re also giving power to everything outside of you in order to share how you feel about yourself. And one of the examples in my book that I love to give is, I was talking to a woman and maybe she was like, 55 years old, she was doing the online dating thing. And she said to me, “This is just so depressing. It’s so much rejection.” And I said, “Well, hold on a minute. Like, what do you mean by rejection?” She goes, “Well, I email like all these guys, and then like, I don’t get anything back.” And I said, “Okay, so what if we found out though, that every guy that didn’t email you back was a) not the picture they posted, b) a murderer, c) drunk, just out of prison beat their last wife, con man. Would you feel so fucking rejected then? Or would you feel like you dodged a bullet? Of course the answer, “I feel like I dodged a bullet.” So what’s crazy there is she’s actually manufacturing like in her head, she’s projecting onto a stranger, what they might think of her and they’re allowing that to affect her own (Lesley: Right) self esteem. And it’s crazy when you break it down, isn’t it?

Lesley Logan
It’s okay. So, were you on this … Because when I was single, I had the most fun dating. I really did. (Elle: I bet you did …) I had the best time. And like, even on the worst dates, I would just go, “Okay, well, here are this is the practice of red flags. And (Elle: Yeah.) lots of things I don’t really want in a relationship. I actually don’t like when someone just ordered for my dinner like that was I didn’t say I wanted that. I wanted something else. So that is a weirdo.” But I had so much fun and my girlfriend’ were single it was that. Like, “It’s so hard. Like, I, they haven’t called me.” I’m like, “Do you want them to call you? Did you like the date?” Like, this is, it’s like a job interview, you also have to want the job just because …

Elle Russ
… that’s what I told a friend who said to me, they had a great like 2 hour talk on the phone with a woman that they were going to meet and they were really excited, really attracted to her. And they were gonna go on the date that day. And they’re like, “I thought you got your date later?” And they said, “Yeah, you know, it’s great. I hope she likes me.” And I said, “er, no, no, no. No, no you don’t hope that she likes you. What you hope and you go into that date is that you hope you like her, and that she’s good enough for you.” Is a complete shift in perspective. That’s the confidence shift in perspective, not outside what people think of me. No, what do I fucking think of them? Same thing with you know, I have a very calm again, confidence is all levels, you’re gonna have really highly confident people that still have little pitfalls and blips. I know a very confident person, multi six figure salary, and they had a job interview recently, and the people were like, “Weren’t getting back to them.” And then they eventually were like, “Sorry, we chose someone else.” And they were kind of feeling down about it. And I was like, you know, “Hey, man, like, there’s just not the right. Well, like, why are you allowing this one interview out of a million interviews? You’re already like, a top person in your industry? What’s going on here? You know, we just took a little self talk to get out of it.” Sometimes if I have to go speak to a large group of people, I don’t really get nervous. But there are you know, you that heart rate gets up and you you have a moment. I mean …

Lesley Logan
Well you also care, like you care that you (Elle: You care about you do a good job.) that you do a good job.

Elle Russ
Yes, on backstage. And you know what if I have that moment, I’m self talking. And that self talk looks like “bitch you signed up for this life. You wanted this. You sign up for this. You love it. You’re good at it. Come on, man, you’re gonna go out there and kill it go”, you know what you do? You know what I mean? And it gets me out of my nerves. And then I just coach myself right back into it. It’s not to say that there’s not a blip that’s going to happen. It’s just how quickly do you want to recover and also smoothly move through life to draw boundaries. And, you know, I have a podcast called The Elle Russ Show, I not only interview people, but I also have a lot of solo episodes. And I just go check those out, because I have them on jealousy. And I have them on conflict, like all sorts of these issues, where I bring up specific examples of me drawing boundaries in my life at current time with people. It just makes for a smoother life and also direct clear communication. There’s no passive aggressiveness, there’s no covert contracts, you know.

Lesley Logan
So can we … Okay, so a couple of things. I love that you mentioned that you can blips because I do, we do have some perfectionist, listening. And they’ll be like, if they have a blip, they’re like, “I’m not a confident person.” I was like, “No, it depe…” Just like first of all, like, I mean, we can we can get into it later because I want to go back to boundaries and but a direct conversation but you know, your thyroid is a hormone, your hormones can be off and that can affect you being 100% confident things. Right. Like if that’s if you’re if you’re like actual body is off a little bit that can be but it’s about …

Elle Russ
I suffered for seven years. I was not confident as my body was 50 pounds heavier. And I was bleeding blood clots throughout my, yeah, no, that was not fun. And I even say in my confidence book, like, “Hey, you can be confident without being healthy, but you’re probably going to have a better shot when all the neurotransmitters are firing and all the things you know and I know about health, you’re going to be at a better baseline and a better wherewithal to not only attack and go after your goals and dreams, but to have the emotional wherewithal to deal with these things.” (Lesley: Yeah.) I also want to say one thing, there’s a nuanced, an example that came up recently, that’s very nuanced. I had a friend who gave me a cover letter to look over. And they were counter offering a job, you know, the job said, “Here, I want to give you a 250,000.” And they were countering for more. And in the counter offer, I looked at it, and I saw a paragraph and I said, “Do you know which paragraph needs to be completely removed?” And he’s like, “No, I don’t I don’t know.” He couldn’t see it. And it was a paragraph where he kept saying, “Well, my reality is such that I have a family of five, depending on my income. One is in college.” Nope, nope, nope. You no one gives a shit it doesn’t matter. If you spent your whole salary on cocaine and nft’s. I don’t, it’s none of their business. Like, you don’t give them, you give them the reasons why you deserve the salary, not the reasons why you need it. So that was just a low confidence thing that I caught in a very confident person overall, in their cover letter, and it was just immediately stood out to me, it was like you don’t need to. And again, that’s another part of confidence. We don’t over, explain and justify.

Lesley Logan
Yeah, I just had one in our coaching group we have, we were always encouraging them to raise their rates. And when you the first time anyone raises their rates, it’s like the hardest thing in the whole world. And then once you do it one time, and you realize, like, no one really freaked out, and the ones that did you were like, thank God, they freaked out. You kind of get better and but the I’m always like, “Send me your email before you send it out. I want to read it.” And of course, it always has a paragraph where they’re like, “I’ve done all this education. I’ve been doing these things.” I’m like, “No one cares. They don’t care that you spend the money on your education. They don’t actually they only care how you make them feel. So this entire para… you don’t have to defend the rate increase. You literally say, Thank you …”

Elle Russ
Why you’re worth it. You just say why you’re worth it. Or just say (Lesley: Yeah.) why you’re not even connecting it to money. But you’re right, you don’t reason out, like giving them financial reasons as to why it’s just such a weak move. And we’ve all gotten that email, or you’d like to ask a friend or like, “Hey, you want to go to the show?” And you’re like, “I would but see it’s Thursday, I’ve got to take Sally to practice.” Oh my gosh, shut up. We don’t care. Just tell me whether they’re going or not. And so most people don’t even like being on the other end of it. And so no is a complete sentence, you know, or you just be like, you know, “I’m not available. Thanks for inviting me or I’m out of town. Thanks for the invitation.” Catch yourself when you’re going on along over explaining just you owe no money, nothing. Man, (Lesley: Yeah.) you know, I mean, just say no. And if they keep coming after you well, then that might be a problem you might be dealing with, like just a pain in the ass type of person you need to draw boundaries with. So over explaining (Lesley: Well real quick on the …) overjustifying is a is a problem with non confident people. Yeah.

Lesley Logan
Let’s go into like, direct communication around boundaries and like, top like, like, if no one complaints. And so that’s a boundary, but for the people who find themselves wanting to explain a boundary or having a hard time upholding one. So I’m just like, what are what are like, I don’t know, if I want signs and symptoms of like not upholding boundaries, if I want, like, how do you how do you do that for them?

Elle Russ
You know, you got to be real careful when you are going to declare a boundary because you better keep it or else you are training people to continue to walk all over you. Now that’s not to say you can’t change course, for example, coaching a woman with confidence, she felt like her husband would make some snarky remarks about her entrepreneur business, and some other things. And before she would just snip back, you know, it was like tit for tat on the behavior. And so it’s always weird when you’re moving into becoming confident declaring boundaries, and maybe in a relationship where you haven’t before. And now it’s like, oh, who’s this new person that just showed up? Like, you’re not the wife I married, right? And so in those moments, you can always explain you can be like, you know, what, in the past? I did I did for … and I apologize, because I also was kind of shitty and snarky. But you know what that ends today? You know, and sometimes it’s just not even explaining why. So for example, if someone’s patronizing to with snide remarks, or just patronizing, it would be I, if it were me, I would be like, “Hey, I am not going to be spoken to like that period, end of story. So either you stop or we’re going to have a problem.” Usually, that doesn’t now if they did it again, “Hey, I thought I said last week, I’m not going to tolerate.” You continue to repeat the same boundary declaration with the same sentence, clear one sentence, don’t need to explain it. You did this, you did that, you know, you always do that. No, I’m not going to be spoken to like that. You know, (Lesley: I love that. It’s …) it has to be declarative. And the other thing too is, confidence and speaking up doesn’t have to be contentious. A lot of people who have issues with confidence feel that they have a fear of speaking up because they fear retaliation or they fear like a negative scenario. A lot of these things can be brought up very lightly, you know like, “Oh, hey, you know what I was wondering.” Right. Instead of like so let’s say I there was an experience one time were friend, their dog died and it was like the love of their life and their boyfriend you know wasn’t being maybe a snuggly or lovey through this sad time. And she was complaining about and I go, “Did did you did you ask for what you needed from him, instead of just blame him and assume he was a mind reader?” I mean, this happens a lot, right? (Lesley: Yeah.) And so she goes, “No, I didn’t.” And I go, you know, you could do. This is, the solution for that is going to her boyfriend and going, “You know what, honey? Like, I’m so sad over the doggy. And I’m just like, an emotional mess lately. And can you just give I need, like, extra snuggles. And I just need like, all the extra sappy stuff right now. Can you just like give that to me for a few weeks. I’m just in like this yucky place.” I’m sure he’d be like, “Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yeah, thank you for telling me what to do.” (Lesley: Thanks for telling me what you need.) It can be asked and that sweet way, not in the like, you know, our dog died and you don’t hug me and you don’t like that’s not really going to get what you want, you know. So asking for what you want can be done in the right tone and the right way, sometimes even a joke, sometimes even a throwaway, you know, and that people take it so seriously, you don’t need to go up and go, “We need to have a talk.” You know, sometimes, (Lesley and Elle laughs) you know, sometimes it’s just like, “Oh, hey, you know what, um, last week, blah, blah, blah, I didn’t like you at that. Can do that differently next time. I’d really appreciate it.” Like, you know what I mean? It can just be a declarative. You know … (Lesley: I love this.) kind of thing.

Lesley Logan
Because I, we work with a lot of people. And I’m like, you train people how to treat you, you really do. And if you’re gonna break a rule, you have to acknowledge that you’re breaking a rule. And while you’re breaking the rule, so that it’s not like you they like you assume that they understand you broke a rule and the rules back in place, once you’ve broken the rule. That’s not how it works. Like, for example, I we have a policy at with my clients, it’s like no late cancels. So if you late cancel, we charge you. Now there have been times where I’ve broken the rule. So I will say I’m breaking my rule. And I’m not charging you this time. (Elle: Fair.) And this is why and, you know, for whatever reason, oftentimes, it’s like there’s a death in the family, whatever, like something so extreme like they like I know, I’m not going to be an asshole about it. However, I’ve acknowledged I broken the rule, so that they know the rules still there. I know, I broke, I broke the rule. They know, I broke the rule, and we don’t have to …

Elle Russ
You’re owning it, and you are compensating for it. And I’ve done that too, because lateness is my pet peeve. It’s like my ultimate pet peeve. And so but you know what, occasionally it happens to me, right? But it’s very rare. But when it happens, I do compensate like you I make up for it. I won’t charge for half the session, or I’ll do something if something like that happens. One time I had a friend. We lived equidistance from a hiking trail, but she was always like, 15 20 minutes late. You know, we’ve lived in the same town for like, 20 years. Yeah. And I got really frustrated about it. So I finally spoke up and I said, “Hey, I got a question for you. Would you be late to meet with Steven Spielberg?” She’s like, “Well, no.” I go, “No, you wouldn’t. Know you fucking wouldn’t. So you need to treat me like I’m Steven Spielberg because I treat you that way. Enough is enough. It’s been five times you’ve been late. If you can’t figure it out. Or if something really goes wrong, then let me know you’re going to be late. But for you to be consistently 15 20 minutes late to a hiking trail that’s equidistant to us. It’s just fucking rude. And you wouldn’t do it to someone else.” So you (Lesley: Yeah.) know, I treat everyone like they are a Steven Spielberg or whatever, whoever would be your (Lesley: Yeah.) I just threw out a name of a (Lesley: No. I …) director, but that is really the truth. And so, but also too, I it happened recently, it’s just like, once a couple of years, I completely blanked a coaching call, like I don’t know where. I don’t even know what happened and was like, on a day I normally don’t coach … (Lesley: I did this last week. I sort of …) I was like, I was mortified. I am like mortified, completely made up for it. Coastal email sent on, you know, … refunded half the money, you know, I mean, do whatever I can because I realized that this is just it’s something that I hate. And then if I do do it accidentally, I acknowledge and then make up for that in every way because I know how frustrating it is to be on the other side of it too.

Lesley Logan
Well, and I think like you, there’s a confidence in that. It’s like, “Oh, I never do this. I totally did it. I was just in the shower.” I was like, “Oh, I could take a long shower. I don’t have anything till 11”. And then I looked at my phone like, “Oh, the call was at 10:30.” And I was like, “Here I’m going to open up my schedule. We’re gonna make this up. This is my fault, here’s how I’m gonna handle it.” And I didn’t let it then I didn’t go, “I can’t believe I missed that call and then I mess this thing up.” Like I didn’t go into this tailspin of here’s all the 17 things I did wrong. It’s like I made a mistake. I rarely make mistakes. I made up for that mistake and so I can move on with the day because I’m confident in how I always show up and I’m consistent authentic in that. So I think like where people worry about upholding those boundaries is often they either don’t know how to keep them consistently and so therefore that is a problem because like what if I can’t keep this boundary and then I like it becomes this thing and or they they uphold it but then they play it in their head all day long about a upholding. “I should have said like this. If I said like that”. How do you maybe it’s in your court in your book or your course coming up? But like direct communication, if you’re not used to doing that is like what’s the …

Elle Russ
Start small. (Lesley: Start small. Okay.) Start really small. I’ll give you a great example of someone who is in my I did a live confidence course before I did the virtual one. That’s out and it’s a great example of these small things, there is a woman who has seen the same hairdresser for like, you know, 10 years. And the hairdresser has, she wanted a blunt cut, like she just wanted someone to cut straight across on the bottom of her hair. And apparently, whatever was the fad, five years ago, the hairdresser had cut it like upwards and a jagged edge thing, and it didn’t look good. And yet, Barbara didn’t speak up. She’s okay with me using her name. So she didn’t speak up about it. So she kept getting the haircut she didn’t want now people would go, “Well, that’s stupid. Just ask for the haircut you want.” But you know, when you’re not confident, these little things are big things. And so we talked through it, I was like, “Alright, what are you afraid?” And this was one of those examples where she felt that it had to be contentious. She didn’t need to go to a hairdresser and go, “You know, I asked you once and you didn’t even know that I asked you but I wanted a blank cup and you keep giving me this jagged cut.” Okay, when you approach it like that, that’s a little critical, right? That’s a little criticizing someone might have feel a little bit defensive. So this is what I told her to do. She did it. It worked. But I said, okay, well, I asked her this question. I said, “Well, first of all, you’ve known this woman a long time.” She’s like, “Yeah, like 10 years.” Like, “Okay, great. Was there anything in the last haircut that she said? Or did like, did she have a daughter getting married? Did someone graduate? Is there anything you can remember to bring up?” And she goes, “Well, she gave me a new conditioner that I really liked.” I’m like, “Great, put a pin in that we’re setting that aside. And, you know, this will make sense in a minute.” And then I said, “All you have to do is go up and make it a throw away something like, Hey, you know what I really want to try to do like the blunt cut. I know, it may take a couple times. But can we do that today? That would be great. I’d love to try that. Oh, and by the way, I love that conditioner you gave me.” See because once you declare and you speak up about something, you are going to be inclined to keep talking, babbling, backtracking, (Lesley laughs) whatever. So get a, get us something to segue way out. What a throw away? Like, oh, hey, you know, whatever, you know, just like … (Lesley: I love that.) very easy. And now that’s a small thing. But you know, you start small with those things. Maybe you need to speak up about your steak not being cooked the right way. And it doesn’t have to be I asked for medium and it’s medium rare. It’s like, “Oh, hey, you know what? I don’t know what happened. But it’s medium rare. Do you mind telling the chef to bring it back make a little bit more medium?” Or well, again, these things can be done in tones. And so Barbara did she went back to a person, the woman was like, “Oh, yeah, totally.” I mean, it was a nothing. It can be in nothing. But it would have been something had she gone in there make and been like, so I asked you once you didn’t listen. And you know, I mean, that’s, that’s …

Lesley Logan
So this, Elle, this is amazing. Because what I what I’m hearing you say is that, like, we can say what we want on our mind. It doesn’t have to be a sit down conversation, and you can make people feel good while doing it. I hate sending food back. I really do. And I had no idea that I was kind of doing your thing, but I’ll say, you know, I I think my medium rare is a little bit more medium than yours. And so no problem is there. But I’m loving the sweet potatoes. If I could just like if I could just be a little, I guess more medium for me. And they’re like that you give them a compliment. And they’re like, it’s fine. No one’s gonna spit in your food. No one cares. Like you’re not they’re (Elle: Right.) gonna come back and be kind everything’s fine. And so it doesn’t it can be fun. It can be like informative and you can (Elle: Right.) make you feel good in the pro… Yes. (Elle: Right.) So cool.

Elle Russ
And then have an anchor out of it. If there’s something like that where you can just, “Oh hey, by the way, oh and by the way,” see it I’m saying then it makes no nothing. It makes no nothing, throw away they don’t take offense to it and they just go, “Oh okay.” And then you move forward. And it went really well. But again, here’s the thing, Barbara’s 58. (Lesley: Yeah.) You know, and she’s actually incredibly confident and as an amazing health coach okay, but perfect and and she’s confident that but there’s an example (Lesley: Yeah.) you know, or and so here’s the thing any boundary that you’re not drawing or don’t continue to uphold, you are then you don’t have a right to bitch because you’re a victim who’s allowing it happened to you, you’re allowing it, you never allow thing you don’t have to answer the call. It’s because you feel bad. You know, the other day someone that I know went on a date with someone and the second date they expressed something that was kind of a deal breaker to my friend, but my friend felt bad about it because it was sort of a insecure thing for that person. And they were like, “Ah, but I feel bad.” I go, “So what are you gonna do? Go on another date with this person? Because you feel fucking bad. We don’t date people because we feel bad about hurting their feelings.”

Lesley Logan
Well also that person would be so horrified if you find out that you’re going on dates because you feel bad. Like I think …

Elle Russ
As a people pleaser thing by the way. I have a friend who did that as well. He talked to a woman for two hours he’s a recovery, he’s in recovery for people pleasing is really working on it. And when he told me this I said, “Ah people pleasing creeping up.” He said, “I feel bad. I don’t I liked her. I enjoyed our conversation, but I really don’t want to meet her. But I know that why would you meet, why would you meet her? Well, I feel bad.” I said, “Dude, you’re going to be such an asshole for wasting her time and going out all for the purposes of you feeling like well, at least it’s clearly out there in the real world. I had the stamp of she felt like I gave her a chance.” Who cares if that is the people pleaser rearing going. I’m afraid of what people were gonna think of me even a stranger on the internet. I just talked for two hours so I don’t know anything about and I’m gonna what? Maybe go out of my way to dress and drive and go on a date just to save face and spin. Like, what is this dance about? What a complicated life?

Lesley Logan
Well, so it’s, it’s like on that friends episode we’re Chandler kept going, “I’ll call you later.” And it’s like, “Don’t say that. If you don’t mean it, just don’t say it.” Because then the person’s like it, then you feel bad. You didn’t call them because it’s a whole thing we’re playing. I think like, what I love is like, it’s, it’s being more honest with yourself, confidence being more honest with yourself around what you want. And then you start small, as you said, and then you know, we’re gonna have blips, but it’s about recognizing it, that you’re having a moment and then like going back into it. Okay, we, I’m gonna have to have you back because we’ve gotten to the thyroid thing. And like, I feel like so many people …

Elle Russ
Whole separate thing on that. Yeah. Because your health based.

Lesley Logan
Because like, as you mentioned, briefly, but like, when our health is off, it just doesn’t like it just doesn’t, you can do all so if you’re listening this and you’ve got health stuff going on, you can do all the exercise in the world and there you’re going to be going uphill battle because your body is just not able to sustain it and that brings its own imposter syndrome, lack of confidence issues.

Elle Russ
Yeah. Horrible I suffered for years. I have such empathy for that. And I know what it’s like so yeah, and happy to come on and do any kind of thyroid tutorial or whatever, whatever you need. But in the meantime, I do have a free confidence masterclass, a free thyroid masterclass, it’s two hours, the confidence one is 90 minutes, I mean, you’re gonna get a lot of good like in depth coaching on all of those things. And then I have virtual course courses corresponding to those. So you know, there’s so much great free information out there. If you want to learn more like whether it’s my books, you don’t even have to buy the books. Go just google me on the internet. And you’ll find interviews like this, and you just might learn enough there.

Lesley Logan
Yeah, so okay, so Elle are you, where’s your place hanging out? Are you like on Instagram? What’s what is your website? Where can people … We’ll put on the show notes.

Elle Russ
You know, I’m on all the platforms. I’m on all the platforms, but I’m most active on Instagram, but you can just go to elleruss.com, e l l e r u s s.com. I also have some free giveaways. I have a free thyroid guide that gives you all the blood tests you need to get how to find the right doctor, you don’t even need to buy my book to get on that too. Lesley: Great.) I have a free audiobook of meditations and affirmations with confidence, health, abundance, and a free paleo primal guide as well. Just a quick guide to like, what’s this paleo primal thing? And how do I change my health? So there’s some freebies up there, free master classes, and, you know, just lots of information. And I’ve been you know, been working for years to try to get out there like you just talking to as many people as possible not only have I been a podcaster for like, eight, nine years, but also I have been interviewed. And I love it. You know, half the time, there’s people like I heard you on a podcast, I got the right test fixed. Fantastic, then you didn’t need to buy my book. I had to spend so much money trying to filter guys bullshit, I’d rather have some just to be able to find it that easy. You know?

Lesley Logan
I 100% because I’ve been in I’ve been in the shoes of like, just figure trying to figure out things my stomach. And finally someone’s like, “Hey, you should talk to so and so.” And then like, (Elle: And it’s over.) so and so was $1,500. Yes. But then it was over. And so someone else mentioned, I’m like, “Just go, just go to this person. Skip here, just go to this person. I know, (Elle: Right.) it sounds like a lot, I promise you’ll spend $10,000 not going to this person. So here you go.” And so I hear, I thank you for all of your resources. And yes, we’ll definitely have you back for thyroid. Before I let you go. You’ve given us so many, like direct examples. But for the person who does the TLDR. And to skip to the end, action steps, bold, executible …

Elle Russ
That’s like me and all the home renovation shows. I just go right to the end.

Lesley Logan
I know. I’m the person who watches the first episode of The Bachelor, and then the last one. (Lesley laughs) Who who made it to the end? And then … (Elle: Yeah, survivor. Just first and last. Yeah.) Exactly. So bold, executable, intrinsic or targeted action steps people can take to be it till they see it. What do you have for us?

Elle Russ
All right. Well, I mean, first of all, I would say look at some area of your life where you need to, well, here’s the thing, you have to identify the pattern. What sucks? Like what sucks for you? Because it’s going to be specific. Like do you always get fired from jobs? Or you’re always patronized by bullies? Or are you always so find, at least do the research and not even stepping up just in yourself? What’s a pattern that keeps happening to me? That doesn’t happen to other people? Because, you know what? I guarantee you’re gonna find something you’re like, “Yeah, I always I always attract the cheating guy. But none of my friends do.” Guess what you’re the common denominator. So you can dig from there. And then is there something within there that you’re not speaking up about, and again, you can start small. And when we’re talking about downers, for example, maybe it’s you always pick the phone up when that friend calls but they’re kind of toxic, stop picking it up right away, call them back two days later, then you’re spreading it. Now we’re stretching, you know, you can edge out. But I will say this, if you don’t get into this work, the patterns keep happening until you stop it. And also, even once you do speak up, you’re gonna get a tester because just because you speak up that first time on that pattern of that thing. And you’re like, “Ah, I got it, I finally got it.” I guarantee you the universe is gonna throw you a test or to be like, “Did you really get it though?” (Lesley: Yeah.) So you’re gonna bring it with you like if you’re in a bad relationship and you can’t speak up, you better solve it within that relationship because the next one the problem still gonna be there. (Lesley: Oh, yeah.) So, I would say start small, but try to start to identify at least and write down what are the things that I don’t like about my life that seemingly keep happening? You know, because it’s always that it’s always something, I keep attracting these horrible girls, I keep running into health problems, I keep whatever the thing is, and you just dig back a little bit to see, where did that come from? Where am I getting that from? I also would say, you know, listen, go download my free audio book and start listening to some affirmations you know, in print your subconscious, there are so many free YouTubes and, and things that have to do with, you know, affirmations and just start to fill your subconscious mind with it. I would say though, the biggest thing is trying to detach yourself and not spend time with people that are toxic and judgy. And you know who they are because after hanging out with them, you don’t really feel good. That’s (Lesley: Yeah.) always say, you know how it is. You’ve been there with someone who was a friend at one point, and you’re like, “Why I don’t really feel great after hanging out with Sally?” And you’re like, “Is it Sally’s problem …” So you know, (Lesley: Yeah. No.) moving away from downers. And then also, keep your dreams close to the vest. Whether you need to get an unbiased coach, a therapist or a buddy, that’s fine. Stop telling Mary, stop telling the doubters about your excited goals and (Lesley: Yeah.) dreams and just shut it. I think Steve Harvey said, “Don’t tell $100 people your million dollar dream.” So I’ve learned in my own life, you know, we all know you know, you know you how it is, you call a friend. And they’re like, “Yeah, …” They’re cheerleading you and then you go call someone else in your family or somewhere else and they’re like, “You’re gonna do that? I don’t know if that’s going to work.” And it’s kind of a downery and you’re wanting them to be excited for you. (Lesley: They can’t.) They are not going to be. Stop going to them. They can’t. Go to the people that are like fostering and encouraging. And so again, the small steps are avoiding, detaching getting maybe a little less convos and time with those types of people. But then also looking at like, what are your pattern? So I mean, those are two first steps and I’m, you know, (Lesley: I love them.) if you took my confidence masterclass. I think there’s a lot of juicy stuff in there that you’d be able to go, “Okay, I kind of get it, I got a similar scenario.” You know?

Lesley Logan
I love this so much. And I think for the person who’s like, “Oh, but this but Mary.” You can hang with Mary in a group. Because like, I have some people that if I that I didn’t even know they were downers until I hung with them by themselves. And I’m like, “Oh, okay noted.” This person … is fine in a group, not one on one. And (Elle: Yeah.) now we know, we don’t have to even go back to the conversation. We have to go, oh, and just going like, “Oh, learn that lesson.” And I think that is really important, because I think some people mean, it needs never, it just means that that person might be better with buffers.

Elle Russ
Yeah. And you know, I’ll give a brief example I don’t often give but and I can’t say who it is, but I’ll just put it this way. One of the most famous Academy Award winning actors I used to actually work with briefly and they I’ve realized what a downer pain in the ass this person was just an individual in this world and they wanted me so bad to work with them and pay me all this money to fly to this location to like just be there person to hang out with while they were on set. Any buddy in the world would have said yes. And I was like, “I’m not gonna fucking hang out with this person.” No, no, because I’d be selling my fucking soul to go do with things for a means to an end. And frankly, I didn’t trust the carrot that they were dangling in front of me for it anyway. But in general, most people would be like, “Why would you turn that down?” Because I don’t want to be in that toxic energy. That’s why despite how famous and what they could have done for my career and whatever it’s not worth it because that’s out of integrity. (Lesley: Yeah.) That’s bullshit, that’s me that I don’t that doesn’t feel right.

Lesley Logan
Oh my God. Elle, you are fucking a badass. I mean you know that already but what I (Elle: Thank you.) what I really love …

Elle Russ
… you got a great personality. Fucking awesome. Love your confidence.

Lesley Logan
Thank you. Words of affirmation are my love language. (Lesley laughs) (Elle: Me, too.) But I but I wrote what I love is like we, everyone listening if so many examples from dating to relationships, entrepreneurialism, see yourself in all of these things. And then tell us how are you going to use these BE IT action items in your life? What are your takeaways? Tag @_elleruss, tag the @be_it_pod. Share this with a friend. You can share this with your downer friends, you don’t have to tell them that they’re the downer. You’re gonna say, “Hey, I heard this amazing podcast on confidence. Here you go.” (Lesley laughs) And so you know because honestly, like we can have a bigger effect on people around us without having those confrontational conversation, it can be a throw away, it can just be like, “Hey, you might like this. “And you know until next time, Be It Till You See It.

Elle Russ
Thank you.

Lesley Logan
That’s all I’ve got for this episode of the Be It Till You See It podcast. One thing that would help both myself and future listeners is for you to rate this show and leave a review. And, follow or subscribe for free wherever you listen to podcasts. Also, make sure to introduce yourself over on IG at the @be_it_pod on Instagram. I would love to know more about you. Share this episode with whoever you think needs to hear it. Help us help others to BE IT TILL YOU SEE IT. Have an awesome day!

Lesley Logan
‘Be It Till You See It’ is a production of ‘As The Crows Fly Media’.

Brad Crowell
It’s written, produced, filmed and recorded by your host, Lesley Logan and me, Brad Crowell. Our Associate Producer is Amanda Frattarelli.

Lesley Logan
Kevin Perez at Disenyo handles all of our audio editing.

Brad Crowell
Our theme music is by Ali at APEX Production Music. And our branding by designer and artist, Gianfranco Cioffi.

Lesley Logan
Special thanks to our designer Jaira Mandal for creating all of our visuals (which you can’t see because this is a podcast) and our digital producer, Jay Pedroso for editing all video each week so you can.

Brad Crowell
And to Angelina Herico for transcribing each of our episodes so you can find them on our website. And, finally to Meridith Crowell for keeping us all on point and on time.

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