Layers of Healing
Ep. 277 with Jake Kauffman
“Falling down is kind of an inherent part of learning how to walk.”
Lesley and Jake engage in a meaningful conversation about the intricate facets of healing, the evolution of identity, and the profound influence of societal pressures on men’s mental well-being. Gain insight into the hidden implications of perfectionism as it frequently conceals deeper underlying issues, hindering the path to genuine healing.
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In this episode you will learn about:
- How to navigate the layers of healing from trauma.
- The importance of unlearning negative patterns.
- The link between societal pressures in mental health.
- How to embrace readiness as a conscious decision.
- How to avoid the trap of constantly chasing happiness as a goal.
- Jake Kauffman Website – https://www.awakewithjake.com/
- Jake Kauffman Instagram: @iamjakekauffman
- Jake Kauffman’s Twitter: @iamjakekauffman
- Jake Kauffman’s FB: https://www.facebook.com/jake.kauffman.923
- Let Love In: https://jacobkauffman.kartra.com/page/eXk1
- The War of Art: https://stevenpressfield.com/books/the-war-of-art/
Jake Kauffman: In the process of creating art, we’re forced to confront the unhealed, unintegrated, unreconciled parts of ourselves in order to create authentic art because it’s really about coming back into a relationship with who we are authentically. And that’s what is at the forefront of my work with men so that they can go from this identity that is focused on getting paid and getting laid to, like, their divine purpose, their higher purpose, their mission in life that is always bigger than the individual and is always meant to outlast the individual.
Welcome to the Be It Till You See It podcast where we talk about taking messy action, knowing that perfect is boring. I’m Lesley Logan, Pilates instructor and fitness business coach. I’ve trained thousands of people around the world and the number one thing I see stopping people from achieving anything is self doubt. My friends, action brings clarity and it’s the antidote to fear. Each week, my guests will bring Bold, Executable, Intrinsic and Targeted steps that you can use to put yourself first and Be It Till You See It. It’s a practice, not a perfect. Let’s get started.
Hi, Be It, babe. All right, we have a really awesome guest today, I’m really excited about it because I just finished talking to him. So we had Keri Ford on earlier this year, and she was a phenomenal somatic coach for women. And she was asking me if I wanted to if I thought that her partner would be a great fit for you guys. And I heard about his book, I heard what he does, and I was like, absolutely, actually need to talk about this. Because I think first of all, even though you will hear him say he’s a men’s transformational coach, a lot of what we talked about is our perfectionism and why some of us would use perfectionism in our life for procrastination. So please take a listen for the lens of like, what, how am I using that in my life and, and what is that like, and then holy fucking molly, like holy fucking molly, the Be It Action Items at the end. I’ve already, I wrote them down after the whole interview was over so that I could use them right away. They’re very action-oriented, easy to use, and apply right away. And so you definitely want to stick all the way to the end. So I guess Jacob Kauffman, he is the author of Let Love In.
And I just wanna say thank you to Jacob for being here. Thank you for sharing his story. And also, thank you, for you listening. We bring in different guests all the time. Because I know that sometimes I can hear something from one person. And it can be like, the thing that I knew that day, and you can hear it and it could be the thing you needed yesterday, next week for a friend. And then we have another person come on, and they say something a little bit differently about the same thing. And it can just start to help peel back the layers that help us eventually be it till we see it because being until you see it is not easy. It is not something that like you just decide. And like it happens, no problem every single day. It is a decision you have to make every single day over and over and over again. Because it’s actually kind of easy to not be it until we see it to just wait and like let things happen to us. So anyways, Jacob Kauffman. Thank you for being the guest. Here he is. And please let me know if you use his Be It Action Items.
All right, Be It babe, I got a special guest.
I mean, they’re all special. But this one is actually a very special person to a wonderful friend of mine who’s been on the show, and he loved her episode very much. So Keri Ford, it was like you, if you if you like me, you’ll probably like this person. And maybe we’ll be able to spill some shine some light of love for all of us here. So
We have Jacob Kauffman in the house. And you are a newly published author, sir, can you tell everyone who you are and what you’re rockin’ at?
Jake Kauffman 2:42
I can absolutely do that. Thanks again for having me. It’s a pleasure to be here. So my name is Jacob Kauffman. Like you already mentioned. I’m a men’s transformation coach, spiritual mentor, business mentor, and author. And I just recently released my first book, it’s called Let love In: the Pain Stops When the Truth Starts. And the focus of my work, especially with men is just that is coming into relationship with their deepest truth, their highest, most authentic self, to bring more of their unique essence forward in the world and their mission.
Lesley Logan 3:16
Yeah, I mean, that’s a big feat. That’s not a small task. So I guess like, where we should start is like, kind of what made you want to start doing this? Like, I mean, is this something you grew up wanting to do? Is it something that kind of found you like, how did you get to doing this? What made you write this book?
Jake Kauffman 3:39
Oh, man, that’s, that’s really good question. The short story is, you know, I very much believe in what Dickens said that our calling is our curse. It’s the thing that we can’t not do. And so for me, in many respects, that was this book. I never, I always knew that I was going to write a book that I wanted to write a book. I think everybody has a book in them personally speaking. It’s just a question of whether or not we actually get around to writing it. But, you know, for me, I didn’t seek out this story. This story absolutely found me because, just a backstory, where the book kind of starts is me sharing my story of sexual abuse on social media online. And having this full-body panic attack that resulted in what is clinically referred to as an acute nervous system breakdown. So my nervous system just collapsed. Under the weight of all of the connections, that sharing created, the input was just too much. And it overrided my system. And it created a slew of health problems. I mean, immediately, I started to vomit uncontrollably, cry uncontrollably, nausea, vertigo, all the things.
Lesley Logan 5:02
And this is like, hold on. So what did you, when you went to the doctor, is this what they diagnosed you with? Or is this something you had to like figure out? I feel like that could also be like, they’d be like, did you eat something, Jacob? (inaudible)
Jake Kauffman 5:17
Yeah, no, absolutely. I didn’t actually go to a clinical doctor, I went to a psychotherapist. Because I knew on some intrinsic level that what I was experiencing was mental, emotional. And so I went to that type of clinician and sought that counsel, and they started going through with me, okay. You were abused? How did that impact you? How did that affect you? Not just at the time of the incident, but after the incident as well, as you can probably imagine, so my abuse as is with most of you, it’s very multifaceted, right? There’s what happened before leading up to it, there’s what happened, there’s what was going on around you when it happened. And then there’s what happened after the fact. You know, did you ever experience any proper mirroring around this incredibly painful experience? And for me, and for a lot of people, the answer was no. And so because of that, as you can probably imagine, one of my primary coping mechanisms was to pretend as if I was fine, as if I was okay and had it all together, when in fact, inside I was shattered. Because of what happened, I was humiliated, I felt so much shame and embarrassment, and all these other things, bitterness, resentment, and I just continued to carry those things around with me. Unfortunately, after that incident, depth of connection, love, intimacy fundamentally felt unsafe. And so when I got around to sharing my story on social media, the amount of connection that I experienced the amount of intimacy, because now everyone on the internet knows my deepest, darkest, most shameful secret. It just was too much too soon, too fast, and was arguably traumatic in and of itself. And it forced me as you can imagine, to do significantly deeper work on myself, because here I am thinking, Oh, I’ve really worked through this experience. I’m a coach, and I’m coaching a lot of people. And, you know, I’ve done a ton of work on myself, I’ve gone through therapy around, you know, this particular incident. And I feel comfortable sharing that with the world to do so, for other people’s benefits, so that they can, you know, feel permission to step into their healing journey, learn whatever lessons they can, from my experience, and what I did to work through it, etc, etc. And here I am confronted by the need for significantly deeper healing, it was very humbling. Yeah. And so that’s what, that’s what prompted the book, because my therapist was like, You should really journal about what’s coming up for you, I think that would be very beneficial. And I was like, good idea.
Lesley Logan 8:05
So that’s what you did. Yeah.
Jake Kauffman 8:07
That’s what I did. And it became a book.
Lesley Logan 8:08
Yeah. I, first of all, like, thank you for sharing that. Because I think a lot of people probably have shared things thinking they are ready to. And then like, there’s, you know, social media is such an interesting thing, right? Because I think we can, like learn so much. And I do think it’s a great place to share something like I recently had something dramatic happened, and I was so angry about it that I was like, Where can I take this? I’m gonna take it Instagram, and I’m gonna, I’m gonna share it. And he said no, at all levels, I’m measuring my thing to what you said. But I remember then having all the comments coming through. And I was like, Whoa, I actually don’t know that I was ready to like, they were all supportive. Everything was really great. But it was almost like, I actually not processed with this thing yet. And now, (Jake Kauffman: Right, right.) And I’m reading all this stuff. And while helpful, it’s overwhelming. And so I guess like, because I don’t think that the whole stuff we’re not saying here is like, don’t share, but like, what are some things that maybe you’d wish you’d gone through prior to to just feel a bit more prepared for that? Or what are some takeaways that we could have? Or do? Is that something you have? Or is that like, on a personal level, everyone’s got to do their own thing? And then like, know, the signs that you may be you’re overloaded and you need a therapist?
Jake Kauffman 9:27
Yeah, well, what I experienced is in clinically speaking is called flooding. It’s just too much too soon, too fast. And that is in and of itself traumatic. And so it’s very difficult to tell because the majority of what holds us back is unconscious. (Lesley: Right.) The primary goal of the ego is to maintain the status quo and what’s the best way for it to do that it’s to hide the truth from you. So how does that manifest itself, it typically manifests itself as people downplaying what has happened to them, and how it actually impacted them. We now know that trauma is significantly more about what happened inside of you as a result of what happened to you, as opposed to what actually happened. So it’s how you internalized it the stories and the beliefs that you made up about yourself as a result. But I think my biggest lesson is that healing happens in layers, as much as I thought I was speaking from the place of perspective. And in many ways I was, over the years, I’ve gone back, and I’ve read that post several times, as you can probably imagine, it’s been almost five years now. And I still look at that. And I’m like, you can tell, by the way I talked about it that I’ve done some work on on myself. And I’ve, I’ve reconciled it to a degree. But clearly, there was more work left to be done there. And it really just revealed a need for deeper healing. And I think life inherently is three steps forward, two steps back, just like entrepreneurship, which you know full well. And so I don’t think there’s any one answer with regard to people’s overall experience, especially when it comes to their healing journey, because it’s inherently messy.
Lesley Logan 11:29
Yeah. Which is like for every single person listening to this, they’re either a recovery in recoveries perfectionist, or they are one. And so like, messy is not something that feels right.
Jake Kauffman 11:43
Right. Yeah. Well, perfectionism is just a coping strategy. It’s just a survival strategy. Just like, what I was doing acting, acting as if I was fine acting as if I was successful, even acting as if I was vulnerable, when in reality, it was a way in which I control the level of connection and relationship. All of these different things are just masks, right, different aspects of our personality that are actually born out of pain, or in an attempt to prevent pain, and so, until we work through these things until we fully reconcile the past, what are we going to do, we’re going to inevitably end up recycling it in the present moment and projecting it onto other people. So if you’re struggling with perfectionism, there’s because you’re also talking to a recovering perfectionist. Yeah. Because
Lesley Logan 12:42
Well, right. Yeah. Welcome to the meeting. Did you know it was today?
Jake Kauffman 12:45
Right. Totally. Yeah. Because I mean, I don’t know about you, but like, I grew up in an emotionally unsafe environment. And so perfectionism, and procrastination kind of became a way by which I coped because no child is safe to feel that they are unsafe. So they need to develop very advanced coping mechanisms in order to avoid feeling that way. And so if you’re still dealing with that, and this isn’t a judgment on anyone, it’s more so just an observation. But if that’s still a significant struggle in your life, that’s likely a sign that you haven’t reconciled some things from the past. Because in my experience, the more you do this work, the less you struggle with those things over time. And obviously, the path is never linear, it is very much, you know, up and down. And, you know, falling down is kind of an inherent part of learning how to walk. Same thing is true for healing, you know, or addiction relapsing is kind of a part of it. You know, any sponsor would tell you that if you’ve ever been through any type of 12-STEP program, and I think that’s true for healing as well, that regressing is just a natural part of it. But if it’s really consistent, still, for you, awareness is only going to take you so far. It’s one thing to uncover something it’s a totally other thing to undo it.
Lesley Logan 14:09
Yeah, I know. It’s a, it’s, it’s almost like you have to like hit, you know, you have to hit Publish before it’s like, knowing that it’s full of mistakes, and just like not like you just have to do the thing, you have to take those actions and it’s a little hard. I am I also think that like, you know, with with all those things, it’s like, recognizing when it’s happening, and then also trying to shorten the timeframe of which that thing is happening. So like, how long are you going to live in in the thing, the forcing something to be perfect? Is it can you get over it faster? And like, also, it’s so hard to not judge ourselves along the healing journey. Did you find like, and maybe this is in your book, and you explain this a lot with the people you work with, but like, do you find that like, there was a hard part of like letting yourself be in that process? Because if you’d thought you’d healed and then you went to this one thing, I’m sure that there was some judgment towards yourself or some wondering like, where did I miss this?
Jake Kauffman 15:06
Oh, totally, like making up stories about like, Is there something wrong with me? Or, you know, am I actually as far along as I think I am, you know, all of these different things that come up for us whenever we experience something painful or uncomfortable. Or, you know, a tragedy or fail? Yeah, you know, it’s only natural that those things come up. I think. I think those things are there to teach us something, though. Because it’s not those stories that are the issue, it’s typically how we react or respond to those things. Because those stories create an emotional response and that emotional response leads to actions and decisions. So it’s not the stories that are the issue, it’s acting from the space of those stories. That’s the issue. The problem is we get like stuck there. Right? We self identify with those stories. We make it personal. And then we get stuck in the space of whatever emotions come on the back end of it self-judgment, which oftentimes leads to sadness or frustration, right. And then we just kind of get lost in the sauce, right? We don’t take inspired action, we have a we have difficulty tapping into creativity, for example, inspiration. And so because of that, we have a really hard time progressing, because there’s this inherent amount of internal resistance that’s holding us back because of the emotions that are attached to the stories that, you know, we’re kind of consistently feeding, rather than, than then seeking to simply understand better.
Lesley Logan 17:02
Yeah, I remember about a year ago, I got into a situation on a phone call with family member and I was so angry, and I immediately email my therapist. I was like, I need an emergency meeting this week. Here’s what happened. Do you have any time this week and she got on the call with me. And she’s like, it’s actually okay, you got angry. And I was like, Oh, that is okay, but I got angry. That thing they said, made me angry. I’m allowed to be angry. She said, what’s not okay is that you judge yourself for being angry. And I was like, ah, oh, thank you. That’s where the work. I still work there. Thank you for that.
Jake Kauffman 17:36
Yeah, you’re like five minutes. I’m good. I’m relieved for an hour. You can get off now.
Lesley Logan 17:40
Thanks. Go to your next client. Thanks for the reminder. But it’s just so funny because we can we can get stuck in the like the for me it was like the perfection I shouldn’t have somehow been able I should not have reacted is like the thought that I told myself like, I should be so healed with that, that I won’t even react when they say something. It’s infuriating. No, you’re allowed to be infuriated. Say something if your (inaudible).
Jake Kauffman 18:04
Totally. Yeah, I mean, but the problem is nobody ever taught us how to be angry.
Lesley Logan 18:10
Yeah. So I guess like, let’s talk about when you decided to write this book. And you are I’m in transformation coach, like, what? What does that actually even mean? Let’s, yeah, if someone’s listening, like what does that mean? What do you do? And because we have a lot of listeners who are mostly women, but they obviously have men in their lives, and I’m sure they’re they’re doing their work, and they’re wishing their partners or their friends or family members had done their own. So what is that?
Yeah. Well, it’s a complete undoing, as you can probably imagine. You know, in the first half of life, we fight the devil, in the second half of life, we fight God.
Jake Kauffman 18:56
So let me use a client as an example that I spoke with today. Very driven, very assertive, he’s a doctor, very ambitious. But in and through our work together, it became very clear that the unconscious motivation beneath his drive was to prove to himself and to other people that he was not his dad. So his stance his primary stance is to be against, is to be in opposition to something and that’s what I mean by that when I say fight the devil. Right, whatever that thing is, right? You’re trying to prove to yourself or prove to someone else that you are not this or you are not that. It’s called the false self that we all develop when we’re kids who we think we need to be in order to be loved, accepted and successful. Which is in response to pain or in order to prevent pain from happening. That has to come undone. In order for us to truly live out our unique purpose it has to, because it’s not who we truly are, it’s who we think we need to be again, right. And so it puts us at odds within ourselves, because we’re not acting from our authentic nature. We’re simply playing a role we’re playing a part, we have something to prove, we have something to protect. For me, I had something to protect, I never wanted to be abused again, I never wanted to be taken advantage of or humiliated in that way ever again. For my client, he had something to prove that he was not his dad. And so of course, what ends up happening, if that’s your stance, it just continues to follow you around. And people create an incredible amount of success from this space. But they don’t know peace. They don’t know, ease because what’s driving in many ways, their behavior. It’s ultimately avoidance. And so that becomes the fuel by which people, a lot of people, especially men rely upon in an attempt to succeed. But it’s kind of like, gasoline. Gasoline is a great fuel. It burns hot. It’s very explosive, but it goes out fast. And so you have more men who are depressed more than ever before? Yeah. More men who report and this is actually true for both men and women. I’m simply saying this from the perspective of being a men’s coach, you have more men struggling with anxiety, and on anti-anxiety medication than ever before? Because that’s what happens when you live in a society that is bent on performance. And what does that what does that end up doing? It tease you up for a life of performance, which creates a pressure cooker. So what do you do? You suppress the less-than-desirable qualities or characteristics about yourself and you posture and you position, you bolster the more than ideal qualities and characteristics about yourself that but that puts us at odds within ourselves.
Lesley Logan 22:43
Yeah, yeah, I just interviewed somebody on like, like, off like true, like masculine and feminine energy and how we all have both. And then, if you have, if you’re a couple, there’s four energies in there, there’s, it’s different, how many, how much you lean into one versus the other. And it’s fascinating because like, you can see, because our society is like, just so much on performance, which Be It would consider a masculine energy. But there’s so much of it, that no one’s actually being taught to cherish any of the emotions that they have, or how to handle them or to do them. And so because no one’s actually learning that from a childhood perspective, you don’t find this out. If you write if you had all cry, if you had all failure feelings, like that’s considered less than so no one is doing this. And we find out that like, Hmm, not many people are happy. A lot of men today don’t really actually know who they are what they want to do. There’s a lot because it you said it, it’s like, it’s because we’re not because we’re so much in it, but we’re not we don’t actually understand how to use it as a tool. For ourselves. We’re just using it as a, as a prevention from like, feeling the things we don’t want to feel or for for people to not see through and not see the pain or not see the weaknesses there. It’s very fascinating to me, so. I went into your book, you just published it recently. So it’s out and available. What was that process like? Because obviously, if it is what you’re journaling, like, now you’re sharing those things again.
Jake Kauffman 24:12
Totally. Yeah, it was.
Lesley Logan 24:14
What was that process like? And how did you like, do it because we’ve, you know, writing a book is not no small feat that’s really emotional, especially when it’s part of your story. It’s not like a business book. I feel it’d be really easy, but (inaudible) book is gonna be harder.
Jake Kauffman 24:29
Yeah, absolutely. I mean, the common joke in the industry is that I can’t wait for this book to make a ton of money so that I can go spend it all on therapy. But yeah, it’s The War of Art. You know, that Steven Pressfield wrote a book about which is the fact that in the process of creating art, we’re forced to confront the unhealed, unintegrated, unreconciled parts of ourselves in order to create authentic art, because it’s really about coming back into a relationship with who we are authentically. And that’s what is at the forefront of my work with men so that they can go from this identity that is focused on getting paid and getting laid to, like, their divine purpose, their higher purpose, their mission in life that is always bigger than the individual, and is always meant to outlast the individual. And that’s, like the process of what my book was writing it was like, there was a lot of procrastination involved. And so you know, in the spirit of, in the spirit of, you know, see it to believe it, yeah, I had to print off this picture, I’d got the cover designed, and well before the book was finished, and printed it off and put it next to my desk to, like, motivate me. And along with statistics of how many men are abused every year, less than 1% of men actually ever report their abuse, by the way. So these statistics really reminded me that this book is not about me. It’s not meant, for me, it’s meant for other people. Right? It’s about the message. And it’s about what it can do for other people. To support them in their healing journey. That’s what this book is for.
Lesley Logan 26:28
Yeah. Yeah, I thank you for sharing that story, how you got to because I feel like so many people are waiting until this like, perfect moment of when it’s gonna feel easy. And they’re gonna feel ready to do the thing, and it’s like, I feel like ready to lie. And I can’t imagine like, if you had waited till you’re ready, this book probably still wouldn’t be done. I feel like ready comes after the book is done. You’re like, Okay, now I’m ready. I’ve already ended the hard part.
Jake Kauffman 26:57
Well, I mean, the big thing in that in what you just said is most people confuse readiness for a state of being. Readiness is not a state of being. Readiness is a decision.
Lesley Logan 27:09
Oh, I like that. We’re going to rewind that, everyone, listen to that one more time.
Jake Kauffman 27:13
Yeah, 100%. I’ll say it again. Readiness is not a state of being. Readiness is a decision. And to decide literally means to cut off or cut away all other options. When I decided that I was going to write this book, I hired a book writing coach, I designed the cover well, before the book was finished, I printed it off, put it in a frame, it’s up in my bedroom. Right? This was years ago. Like I mentioned well before the book was published. So I had massive skin in the game. Right, I invested thousands of dollars, I had someone holding me accountable, holding my feet to the fire. And even after that, I hired a book writing agency to support me with the rewrites and the editing process, and ultimately, the publication process. And so I had massive amounts of skin in the game, but also accountability, really supporting me in moving forward. Because if I was left to my own devices, there’s no way I would have ever done it myself. I’m not saying that that’s true for everybody, but it’s true for a lot of people.
Lesley Logan 28:20
I couldn’t agree more like um, if you think about like, if you ever if you subscribe to Gretchen Reubens like, The Four Tendencies, like I am an upholder, I don’t actually need a lot of accountability. I’m going to do the thing if I decided to do it. When I wrote my book, I, I almost didn’t publish it. The person who helped like ghost write it and just like not go through this one word. She helped me outline it and like make sure it made cohesive sense. And all that stuff. I wrote it. But yeah, our contract is done. I had the whole thing. And like, I just got busy. And she was like two months afterwards. She was like, Hey, I haven’t seen any movement on this. Like, what are you doing today? Oh, yeah. And she said, Look, I just really hope that you actually like it’s a really good book, you should actually put it out there. And if she had not nudged me, I don’t know that I would have put it out when I put it out. I probably would have eventually put it out, I probably would have waited till I was ready. Like I even as someone who can, like do pretty much anything without the accountability or something like that, that we’re like, there’s so much put into it. And there’s a lot on the line. You kind of need some some skin in the game and you need an accountability. You just need someone to remind you that you’re doing a great job and get it out there. It’s gonna help people because we can tell ourselves a crazy amazing story about how it doesn’t need to be out there yet.
Jake Kauffman 29:32
Yep, you’re a hunter, you’re 100% spot on. And so in terms of you know, in the spirit of the podcast, you know, everything manifests first in, where, in our imagination. I always knew that I was going to write a book that positively impacted the lives of people. Now, I’m not taking any responsibility for that necessarily because you in many ways, like, I do feel like your higher purpose is kind of given to you or imparted to you, if you will, by you know, God, life, fate, the universe, whatever you want to call it. Going back to, you know, your your calling is your curse, it’s the thing that you can’t not do. And I think that’s why most people die with regret is because they don’t actually bring that or make that manifest. And so you really have to know yourself and know the conditions that are necessary for you in order to, to make that manifest. You know, for me, it was raising the bar on myself and growing into the person that I needed to be in order to reach it. And I think in many respects, that’s true for a lot of us. I don’t think everyone needs like, incredibly strict accountability necessarily, in some respects, that can actually do more harm than good. It can be counterproductive, you know, what’s healthy and beneficial for one person can be detrimental to somebody else. But, you know, if we speak in general terms, I think that’s what we kind of really need to do for ourselves in the process of engaging in the War of Art and making manifest our purpose is we’re going to have we’re going to have a point of no return experiences, and a point of no return experience is, you know, at the least not to get all, I think, not to get at all technical, is actually defined as a financial commitment toward the goal. Because there’s your skin in the game. Right? Most people are really good at talking, you know, but more in action taking. And that’s by design, because what we say is connected to our conscious mind, but what we actually do is connected to our unconscious. And that’s, that’s where I support a lot of my clients with is aligning their unconscious beliefs to match their conscious desires, because if they don’t, there’s going to be a lack of congruence there. And it’s going to be a round peg for the whole situation. So when it comes to manifesting the life, the abundance, the relationship that you want, those two things have to be in alignment, you know, otherwise, you’re just you’re swimming upstream. And it’s gonna be very, very difficult to bring into fruition bring into creation that which you deeply desire, whether it’s a book or something else.
Lesley Logan 32:34
Yeah. So I feel like once the book is out there, and like it’s doing its thing. There’s, like, are you are you currently working on like something else? Are you excited about the next step of something else? Or where are you enjoying the process of the book being out there and, uh, helping and getting through as many people as possible? Like, where are you at right now?
Jake Kauffman 32:57
Sure, sure. Well, as somebody who identifies self identifies as an author, I do believe on some level that every author is always kind of writing their next book. Even if it’s even if it’s only in their head, yeah, I am doing that. Yes. I am not currently acting on it. I’m actually intentionally consciously restraining myself from doing that, because I really want to give this book its due diligence.
Lesley Logan 33:33
I think thank you for sharing that. Because I think it’s so easy. I know many people listening as a recovering overachievers, Hello, that’s me, too. That’s a meeting that’s in the next hour. Yeah, it’s like you go and you like, you hit the thing, you publish the book, or you, you do the race or you, whatever it is, and then you’re like, on to the next goal. Like we don’t actually like sit in the moment of like, the celebration of what you just did. It’s a really big deal. And also like, you know, really give it its due diligence, to course to get it out there and in many people’s because what’s what people don’t realize is you publish a book, it’s not like the Field of Dreams is the biggest lie ever sold to every American on this planet. Anyone thought like, if you build it, they don’t come you have to talk about it. 17 times and 18 more times and 17 more times, and then maybe on the 37th time they go, Oh, you wrote a book?
Jake Kauffman 34:26
Oh, right. Yeah, totally. Yeah, well, I think you point out something really powerful, which is that in and of itself can actually be its own act of self-sabotage. You know, moving on to the next thing, because you have this high, this significant, pivotal moment, whether it’s writing a book or whether it’s, you know, accomplishing something significant in your career, and you move on to the next thing because he – Donek Adaptation kicks in, which is that our, we return to our baseline level of happiness which is determined by four primary things, 50% of it is genetics actually. The other 50% is based on attitude, outlook, and environment.
Lesley Logan 35:24
That makes so much sense I get that.
Jake Kauffman 35:26
Right. So we return to our baseline level of happiness. After the high, we have the come down. Right? Simply put, and oftentimes, people are really uncomfortable with what they find there. Because their life in many respects is the same. Right. Their circumstances might have adjusted slightly, whether it’s like more money in the bank or more recognition. But how they feel internally is the same. So it’s, it’s just the same package, different bow, same song, different dance scenario, and people are forced to confront the reality of who they are and who they become in that moment. And so by moving on to the next thing, what do they get to do? (Lesley Logan: They get about the high end.) They get to avoid being in that space? Yeah. Right, because now they’re chasing after the next thing, right? And that’s where so many people find themselves nowadays is chasing after rainbows. So yeah, to answer your question, my goal is to absolutely give this book, you know, it’s due prudence, it’s time in the limelight, I think I said due diligence earlier, there wasn’t the right phrase, but get it into the hands of as many people as possible. So that it can take on a life of its own, essentially, because this is going to outlive me. So this is like, this is not connected in many ways to me anymore, although like I wrote it, and my name is on it. But it is taking on a life of its own, I have people buying it in countries all over the world that I’ve never met, that I’ve never even spoken to. And whose lives that it’s impacting. And I’m very humbled by that. And that’s kind of the point, right, is that it takes on a life of its own and the people who read it, get what they need from it.
Lesley Logan 37:29
Yeah, well, you said like, there’s a there’s part of our happiness is genetic. And then there’s a three parts of it that like, it seems like if you are aware of them, and you actually sit with the thing that you just created, you can turn those dials in a way that the next time you have an amazing when we don’t go back to baseline we go, we can keep growing, and creating the happiness that we want, without avoidance and just working towards the next thing all the time.
Jake Kauffman 37:58
You’re well, and I think I think happiness is kind of a shallow goal, to be honest with you. In the same way, you know, like, we’ve been sold this idea that, you know, if you build it, they will come which is like from a marketing perspective, nowadays, we know that like, that doesn’t really work, you know, unless you’ve got like just a ton of cash that enable you to like float the business indefinitely. Well, enough word spreads and word of mouth takes over. You know, I think in many respects, happiness is kind of a shallow goal, I think we should strive for improvement. You know. And I think that’s what ultimately creates this, this fulfillment, that we are working towards ever progressing towards a goal. And that’s what I love, like the whole premise of this podcast, is because that’s what it’s all about, you’re working towards something you’re in pursuit of something that you have yet to accomplish. And it’s really all about doing the internal work that you need to be able to bring that thing into reality. Because that’s what that’s what people struggle with the most. It’s never like, the logistics. It’s never like the circumstances of like, how do I write a book? Like, you can look up a YouTube video on how to do anything nowadays. You know, yeah, we literally write anything. You know, like, renovate a van. Here you go.
Lesley Logan 39:37
Yeah, it’s working guys. It’s very helpful. Yeah, I think I really liked that you said that towards improvement. And I think like, I mean, it is why we have that we why, I mean, I’ve been being it till I see it, I just like kind of I didn’t even know I was doing until I was like, what am I doing? How am I doing these things? Oh, I’m just doing that as a very interesting thing. I think like and there’s a there’s a difference between going, going going. And like, as you said, doing the internal work, so that you’re improving. It reminds me of one of our guests from the end of the year. And he said every day he asked himself if like, he’s 1% better, did he do the work that makes them 1% closer to the person he wants to be? And like, (Jake Kauffman: It’s the Kaizen way.) Yeah, just like, and it’s like, you know, 1% that’s not a lot. So you’re not you’re not pushing yourself through a seaman while you’re, you’re actually like, you’re doing some internal work to take some action. That’s just enough to actually get the improvement but not so much that you’re not sitting still and being with yourself at the same time. Jacob, you’re so cool. I think this book is really awesome and needed. We’re gonna take a brief break and then people can find out where they can follow you, get your book and also your Be It Action Items.
Okay, Jacob, where can people get the book? Where can people work with you? Where can any of our male listeners or people who are listening to this to their male friends work with you?
Jake Kauffman 41:00
So, the best place to connect with me is on my Instagram, which is I am JKauffman. So that’s K-A-U-F-F-M-A-N. You can find the book on Amazon, Let Love In, my full name, Jacob Kauffman, J-A-C-O-B K-A-U-F-F-M-A-N. Otherwise, you can also check out my website. You can sign up for my newsletter, which is awakewithjake.com, awakewithJake. And
Lesley Logan 41:28
I like it. I like Midtown.
Jake Kauffman 41:30
Yeah, I think I’m gonna I think that might be the name of my podcast, but we’ll see. Don’t don’t know. No, ETA on that yet. But stay tuned. And but yeah, if you’re interested in connecting, hear more about my work that I do with my private clients in my mentorship, or the men’s groups that I run, the retreats that I hold, by all means, feel free to reach out on Instagram happy to share about that. And what was the last thing?
Lesley Logan 42:02
Well, the last thing now, the last thing is bold, executable, intrinsic target steps people can take to Be It Till They See It. What do you have for us?
Jake Kauffman 42:09
So good. So I will oftentimes, I mean, in a lot of the work that I do with men, there oftentimes is almost a need to disconnect from their goals because they actually, they wake up to the reality that goals are, in many ways, historically speaking, an unconscious attempt in order to claim victory over a lack of self-worth. It’s a way in which they avoid their pain so they become hypervigilant doers. That said.
Lesley Logan 42:46
I think it’s quite bold to say, to disconnect from those goals.
Jake Kauffman 42:51
Yeah, I’m gonna, I’m gonna give people two things, okay. Because there’s nothing inherently wrong with having goals in many respects, we need to have them to create more purposeful living, here’s what I would do, is if you have a goal, write that goal down on a piece of paper, and then double it. Because in my experience, we seriously underestimate our ability to generate results. So you know, if it’s a monetary goal, double it easy. If it’s 100,000, make it 200,000. If it’s to write a book in the next year, cut it in half. And say, I’m going to write a book in the next I’m going to write a book in the next six months, some something like that, where you’re doubling it, or you’re shortening the timeframe, in an effort to push yourself or challenge yourself. And then you’re going to write down these these following things. You’re going to write down. Why do I want the goal? What will this enable me to do? And then how am I going to do it? That’s your action plan. And then finally, you simply create a contract with yourself and you write down I and your name, am officially unavailable for any other outcome. And then you sign it and you date it. And then by when will you accomplish it.
Lesley Logan 44:34
I love this. I’m saving this. I have a few things am working on on my tour for goals I have for myself that I was going to figure out while we’re on on the road and I’m going to half the time or I’m going to double the thing Yeah, love it. I and then I’ll write the contract.
Jake Kauffman 44:49
There you go. So recap. The goal, by when you’ll accomplish it, why do I want it, what am I hoping that this will do for me or allow me to do, how am I going to do it, and then I, your name, am officially unavailable for any other outcome, sign it and date it.
Lesley Logan 45:09
Hmm. Oh, Jacob, thank you so much for being here sharing your story. And I’ll just like really helping us rethink maybe some of the ways we think about some of the things we’re doing in our life. I’m excited for your book. I’m so happy it’s out there. I think it’s very necessary. And I do believe it to be life-changing for many and also for these action items. I love them so much. I already know some of our listeners who are going to be using them. So y’all, how are you going to use these to make sure you tag Jake on Instagram, the Be It pod, let us know, share it with a friend who needs it. That is how people often get healed. I had a friend recently post something and she was going through and I was like, actually one of the words but I have a podcast and be really good for her. So I just sent it to her and she was so grateful. And so you know that you have no idea how you can help people with doing things like that. And until next time, Be It Till You See It.
That’s all I’ve got for this episode of the Be It Till You See It podcast. One thing that would help both myself and future listeners is for you to rate this show and leave a review. And, follow or subscribe for free wherever you listen to podcasts. Also, make sure to introduce yourself over on IG at the @be_it_pod on Instagram. I would love to know more about you. Share this episode with whoever you think needs to hear it. Help us help others to BE IT TILL YOU SEE IT. Have an awesome day!
‘Be It Till You See It’ is a production of the ‘Bloom Podcast Network’.
It’s written, filmed and recorded by your host, Lesley Logan and me, Brad Crowell.
It is produced and edited by the epic team at Disenyo.
Our theme music is by Ali at APEX Production Music. And our branding by designer and artist, Gianfranco Cioffi.
Special thanks to Melissa Solomon for creating our visuals and Ximena Velasquez for our transcriptions.
Also to Angelina Herico for adding all the content to our website. And finally to Meridith Crowell for keeping us all on point and on time.
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