Intimacy to Level-Up
Your Sexual Experience
Ep. 242 with Lesley & Brad
“It’s not about how you look, it’s about how you feel during sex and what sex feels like.”
Ready for a riveting chat with Lesley and Brad? They’re unpacking an eye-opening discussion with the extraordinary Dr. Celeste Holbrook, exploring how sex and sexuality can touch various life dimensions. This engaging discourse will redefine your views on sex, spark your curiosity, and empower your intimate relationships through enhanced communication.
If you have any comments or questions about the Be It pod shoot us a message at [email protected]. Or leave a comment below!
And as always, if you’re enjoying the show please share it with someone who you think would enjoy it as well. It is your continued support that will help us continue to help others. Thank you so much! Never miss another show by subscribing at LesleyLogan.co/subscribe.
In this episode you will learn about:
- Why sex is rooted in feelings, not appearances.
- Why harm reduction action is a choice.
- The importance of not shaming someone or yourself for engaging in activities that promote harm reduction.
- How to reframe how we define sex.
- Master the art of communicating your emotional needs to your partner during sex.
- Explore how sex can be resilient and how you can maintain intimacy over time.
- Learn to channel your emotions into tangible actions.
- National Love is Kind Day. If you’re currently in an abusive relationship. There’s help for you, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 / 1-800-799-7233
- Be It Pod Merch: lesleylogan.co
- West Coast Summer Tour. Tickets at OPC.ME/TOUR
- Agency MINI 9: profitablepilates.com/mini
- Cambodia Retreat: lesleylogan.co/retreat
- Waiting List for eLevate Program: lesleylogan.co/elevate
- Celeste Holbrook Episode 85: https://lesleylogan.co/podcast/be-it-till-you-see-it/celeste-holbrook-lets-talk-about-sx-baby-ep-85
- New York Times Article: https://www.nytimes.com/2022/01/12/magazine/sex-old-age.html
- Aspen Ideas Festival: https://www.aspenideas.org/
Welcome to the Be It Till You See It podcast where we talk about taking messy action, knowing that perfect is boring. I’m Lesley Logan, Pilates instructor and fitness business coach. I’ve trained thousands of people around the world and the number one thing I see stopping people from achieving anything is self doubt. My friends, action brings clarity and it’s the antidote to fear. Each week, my guests will bring Bold, Executable, Intrinsic and Targeted steps that you can use to put yourself first and Be It Till You See It. It’s a practice, not a perfect. Let’s get started.
Welcome back to the Be It Till You See It interview recap where my co host in life Brad and I are talking about the very redefining conversation I had with Dr. Celeste Holbrook in our last episode. If you haven’t yet listened that one, feel free to pause this now and go back and listen that one and then come back into it as, y’all, she was even better than the first time she came on. I mean, I don’t know this even better, but like, it just was a really great continuation of the conversation. I really love her. I loved I love that.
Brad Crowell 5:36
It’s also been 150 episodes, Holy crap.
Lesley Logan 5:40
I didn’t realize I thought it was like maybe too soon. And it’s not at all, not at all. So we’ll be talking about doctor Celeste and what she had to say. And I keep thinking about it even since we’ve interviewed her, which doesn’t always happen with all of our guests. And I still love all the shows, but like, I keep thinking about one of the things that we talked about bringing up my takeaways, and I think she’s onto something that she’s do another TEDx. Anyways, today. Today is National love is kind day to day to celebrate those who escaped domestic violence or domestic abuse. We’re celebrating freedom from such abusive relationships or situations. So celebrate freedom from toxic relationships. You deserve a healthy, supportive and fun relationship. If you’re currently in an abusive relationship. There’s help for you, help available, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 / 1-800-799-7233 I can’t think of a better day to celebrate than this with Dr. Celeste being the episode recapping because 1,000% everything she talks about is to be with someone who’s in a loving kind relationship. So yeah, amazing. Um, also, if you’re watching on YouTube, check out Brad’s shirt.
Brad Crowell 6:53
Check it out, y’all.
Lesley Logan 6:54
If you didn’t know so if you’re listening at home his shirt is a Be It pod shirt. That’s actually, is that new?
Brad Crowell 7:04
I don’t know, it’s been in my closet. I was like, Oh, this is appropriate.
Lesley Logan 7:08
It’s actually really cute. What I like about the Be It Till You See It merch is that it’s like actually, like just telling people to be it till they see it, it’s you’re walking around inspiring people all the time. But we have merch, y’all and a lot of people are always wondering where like the perfect is boring, which is all backwards.
Brad Crowell 7:22
Yeah, for example.
Lesley Logan 7:25
And so we actually have a boutique at lesleylogan.co. So just go to lesleylogan.co and click on the boutique at the top right corner and boom, you can get all the Be It pod merch, including the mugs that we have all of our guests get with their name on it. You could have the Be It pod mug, too.
Brad Crowell 7:40
Yeah, Be It pod mug we got I think there’s a there’s like a water bottle. There’s
Lesley Logan 7:45
Oh yeah, there is my dad’s like that has to be it till you see it water bottle. He’s also currently borrowing the sexy barnacle waterbottle which is from March. It’s very funny. And I love that he didn’t even notice what that means. He’s just like 71 and just friggin drinking water.
Brad Crowell 8:03
This week, we just got back from the UK. Man, I am so excited that we had a chance to do this trip because I’ve never been to Scotland. And I’ve also never been to the northern part of England. So it was really cool to get the chance to hang out with some of our members up there. Have them come join us for workshops to hang out with Claire at her studio up in Leeds. And also really, to be able to spend time with your dad in Scotland.
Lesley Logan 8:34
I know pretty cool. It’s really cool that we get to do these things. Yeah, you know, it’s just important to like, take advantage. He was always like when I’m turned 40 to 75 want to do it. We’re like, why don’t we just do it while you can run on a train by yourself and remember where you’re at, like, let’s do that. And so it’s just like, I know that traveling is a lot. It’s a lot of time and money and planning. And so I understand that people can’t do that. But my goodness, I don’t care if you just go two hours away, like take advantage of times like shared experiences. My bestie Sue Spinelli is one who taught me about shared experiences being like the thing that makes relationships stronger and deeper and grow. And so I fully support that. So we had a great time. It was super fun. And now we’re here. We’re in Las Vegas, and back home. I’m about to do the barrels weekend for my eLevate mentorship, and this is that means it’s round twos last weekend.
Brad Crowell 9:30
I know…(Lesley: that’s so crazy) It went fast.
Lesley Logan 9:33
I feel like I just did the last ticket for round one. That means that was a year ago. Whoa, whoa, no. Holy fucking cow. Oh, wow. So um, yeah, I mean, they’re just I just love this program so much and just watching them grow. It’s really amazing. The people who dedicate themselves to that so we’re gonna have so much fun with the barrels next month, August which is like literally like three days from this. So we’re live I’m gonna wrap up the barrels we can you guys browser have the car ready to go. And we’re gonna get in the car and drive to Southern California. We’re gonna kick off the OPC tour.
Brad Crowell 9:42
Yeah. So in like a little over a week, we’re gonna be hitting the road. And I’m sure you’ve seen us talking about this all over socials and all over the emails and all the things…(Lesley: we just don’t want to miss out on it.) If you live on the West Coast, and you’re wondering where you can meet up with us go to opc.me/tour opc.me/tour. And hopefully there’s still some tickets available. You know, things are definitely like one room. I don’t think we’ll it’d be possible to sell it out we can have it’s a 7000 square foot studio, so (…)
There’s also several to have like six spots. Right? Like that’s it.
Most have 12
Lesley Logan 10:45
I know (…)I think Fairfield almost sold out at this point.
Brad Crowell 10:49
Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, come meet up with us. We’re doing the full west coast. opc.me/tour
Lesley Logan 10:55
(…) on me. Oh, I’m fine.
Brad Crowell 11:00
What was that?
Lesley Logan 11:00
I don’t know. But you can go to opc.me/tour and join us. You know, we like to keep it real around here, guys.
Brad Crowell 11:12
So upcoming after after August, what do we got?
Lesley Logan 11:15
So probably is has its agency mini, it’s our second time offering this year and we are working towards an offering it once a year. So you do not want to hesitate because you don’t know if we do it once a year or next year, you won’t know when that once year is going to be. So for a week of coaching on your business and really getting clarity on your business and next steps. You want to go to profitablepilates.com/mini that’s profitablepilates.com/mini M I N I (…) Yeah, one of the people that joined us from that age 77, which was the fall one. So it’s almost a year, she has her membership has grown five times. That’s insane. Insane. Insane. And, yeah. And like, it’s just like,
Brad Crowell 11:58
Okay, August, I don’t know if y’all can hear August in the background. He was like stretching.
Lesley Logan 12:02
Yeah, he was, yeah, he was cheering on our member that, but it’s really amazing what our members are doing and how they support each other and the community that they create and it’s so much abundance, it’s just phenomenal. So go there because you want to get on the waitlist, people who are on the waitlist will get a month notice to sign up, which means like any day now, and then you can get into the group early to get extra time doing your homework and setting yourself up. So you don’t want to miss that. And then we have Cambodia. And then we are working on some details for November. So you just got to hang tight. And then December is a winter tour. And you just gotta hang tight because only one tour at a time guys like yeah
Brad Crowell 12:39
Like Cambodia is confirmed that’s in October 8 through 15.
Lesley Logan 12:42
Confirmed it’s like sold out. But we can make a room for you. If you don’t want to wait till next year. So you can go to lesleylogan.co/retreat If you want to come to Cambodia and just like really have the best time of your life. Just like so life changing. Here’s the deal. We’re we’re trying to maximize the in person opportunities, because shared experiences is how relationships grow. Yeah, (…) how about that? Okay, before we get into Dr. Celeste, do we have an audience question, Brad?
Brad Crowell 13:08
We do. I’m very excited to say. And the question was, hey, I’ve heard you talking about your eLevate program your mentorship program. When is the next round happening?
Lesley Logan 13:19
Yeah, we’ve had a lot round two and three have been promoting like the things that they’re learning. I got this question a couple of times. So I just thought would be great to answer it here. So there’s a lot that goes into us planning, eLevate, because we definitely there’s only so many weekends in the year. And I surveyed pass, I started wait around one. I was like, Hey, guys, what if I like run it during the week? And they’re like, I would never been able to do it. It was during the week. And I was like, oh, okay, so we do need weekends? Yeah. And so the reality is, is that the team and I are actually planning the dates. Literally, as we record this, for next year, we are definitely doing a round 4, we are looking at if a round 5 is even possible. It really just depends. I like the group stuff 12 people, it’s, you definitely need 12 because I want you to have it to small and intimate but also have plenty of opportunities to work with different bodies. Yeah, in case anyone’s super busy. I was in a group that had like four people and like that’s too small. So we want to have that not eLevate like my own personal experience. And like the if someone is sick, there’s only two other people you can work with. So I definitely like to keep it on that 12 sweet spot. So we will probably open up applications in the next couple of weeks. And then once, applications are really simple guys will obscure you all these professionals like I won’t get pegged. It’s like, it’s mostly to make sure that you understand what you’re signing up for.
Brad Crowell 14:41
And slash that you have like because we have a couple of requirements.
Lesley Logan 14:44
Yeah, we have a couple requirements. So and if you don’t meet the requirements, I actually tell you how you can meet them so you can sign up for the next one.
Brad Crowell 14:51
So even if you don’t if you’re not sure if you meet them, you can apply anyway and still, you know chit chat with us and we’ll figure it out. Absolutely no pressure. Absolutely. And it takes like what, five minutes? (…) Yeah, it’s a couple of questions. And you know, there’s a couple of fill in the blanks where, if you choose to write a novel, it’ll be a 10 minute application. That’s it, but you don’t have to.
Lesley Logan 15:11
You can write whatever you want. But it can be a lot of yeses and noes. But so you’ll want to get on the waitlist for that, because we actually do not promote this publicly, right. So you want to go to lesleylogan.co/elevate, to get on the waitlist for that. And those on the waitlist will be the only people to find out about when the doors open to apply, we actually do have six people whose applications have been approved from previous rounds, so we’ll be reaching out to them first, make sure that they’re confirmed. And then, and then we’ll also have the date set so that we can decide if we’re doing around four and five or just a round four, we’re also doing an eLevate alumni retreat next year. So excited about that, guys, this group is just it’s really phenomenal. And the other day, people, I was teaching an alumni call. So the alumni sign up for a call me to 45 minute workout where they work themselves out in their own practice and a 45 minute q&a, holy frickin moly, these girls, they’re like girls, they’re women. But these women, some of the things that they were struggling with last year, they’re not struggling with anymore. And that just goes to like, it’s what is the power of like having a consistent practice and a curious practice. And that’s what all of it really does. Try to help every person and body so it’s not about memorization, it’s about really understanding what your body needs. And that’s how you can help your clients. So anyways, I’m just so excited that we do this. It’s definitely like, like my passion project. Yeah, I love it.
Brad Crowell 16:41
Totally. I love it. Awesome. Amazing. Well, yeah, get yourself on the waitlist eLevate. Sorry, lesleylogan.co/elevate.
Lesley Logan 16:48
And if you have questions that you want us to answer, like, why is Brad wearing that white hat? Or what? What what are you guys reading this summer? Or how do you even sleep in a van with three dogs? Because we did have friends with the car going? You put all three dogs in this trough? And we’re like, yeah, we do. We do. So you can ask us anything. That’s the whole point of the question. So send it into the Be It pod and we will answer it for you here on the podcast.
Brad Crowell 17:11
// All right. Now let’s talk about Dr. Celeste Holbrook as a leading voice in the field of human sexuality. Dr. Celeste Holbrook inspires individuals to embrace their unique sexual identities, engage in harm reduction practices, and experience a life of authentic pleasure and connection.
Lesley Logan 17:59
Yeah, so I like bringing her in because I think sex and sexual experiences can actually keep us from showing up in a lot of areas in our life. And I really enjoy the way that she approaches the entire thing. It’s got so much compassion, so much understanding, so much curiosity, and also an evolution to it like you can, like she’s all about your, your whole experience evolving. And there’s a lot of fucking communication and exploring within yourself. So one of the things that we talked about, she said, You don’t have to love your body, but you don’t have to hate it either. We’re talking about the body positivity movement, and she was like, I’m onboard, and then she realized was still about the body. And she was like, it’s the mind like the like, she’s just like, what are we taught? Like, it just became still about the body, right? Like, and so that isn’t helpful for as many people as like, if we really do focus on like, who we are actually, and our mind, and we talked about her daughters and how, like, someone called one of their daughters a pretty one. And she’s like, Ah, she’s actually really good at this. And she’s really into reading and like, you know, like, just, I can only imagine being a parent who’s like, trying to actually, like, keep things about who someone is, rather than what they look like, like how challenging it is. She’s got twins. So
Brad Crowell 19:19
Yeah, I mean, the whole conversation started because she works with people who often say, I don’t want to have sex because I don’t like the way that I look. Yeah, right. And the I thought that was really interesting or like, well, I prefer to keep the lights off or, you know, etc, etc. And I thought it was really intriguing that her argument is, well, first off, say sex is not about how you look. It’s about how you feel when you’re doing it. (…) How come we’re, we get hung up on this how we look situation, which I think is a societal thing.
Lesley Logan 20:06
That’s a societal thing. And also, I think it’s like everything out there about what is sexy in and like all the visuals of what is sexy or sexual. Like I grew up with Victoria’s Secret models as like that’s sexy, my boobs are never going to look like those girls. I remember like looking at the bras and going, I just don’t see how like mine are going to look like that. And so you start to like think, well, I can’t be, I’m not sexy. So like, and I think you get really hung up on that. And it’s true. I remember doc in Brene Brown’s one of her books. There was a there was like a group thing that she was doing. And this guy was like really frustrated, because he just really wanted to enjoy sex with his partner. And he didn’t have a partner at the time. But he just felt like he wasn’t having a good experience that depart with any partner. And then this other girl, she kind of like, dismissed his feelings. In that moment. He was like sharing very, very vulnerable space about how he felt like, he just wanted to have sex with someone. And she had, she was so hung up about, like, how she looked that they weren’t doing that. And this woman was like, Yeah, right. You don’t feel that way. You we have to shave her legs, we can’t have cellulite. She like she shared she like dumped all of her own insecurities on the sky. Right? And in the book, it says, do not understand we want to have sex with you. Like, it’s not about that. And I’m just remember, like, (…) So fascinating. Like, so many people are so hung up on, like, I gotta have all these things. And like, some people are like, I just really want to have sex with the person I’m in a relationship with. And so I really enjoyed. I mean, I think that goes back to Dr. Celeslte Holbrook’s first episode as well. So it’s worth listening to…(Brad: episode 85) Yeah, then we also got into, Oh, we got into what she was calling harm reduction strategies or harm reduction actions, harm reduction. Like when people sometimes you judge people for the surgeries they get or adjustments that they make to their body. And then she likes like I put makeup on today, that’s a harm reduction action, because like, I don’t want to be attacked by people. So I put this makeup on. So I look, I feel like I look pretty enough to show up and do a real work and educate people on sex and like reduce the harm of attacks on myself.
Brad Crowell 22:32
I felt it was interesting that she said it’s a decision to do this, you know, even though she’s kind of reframing it right, because we’ve got the societal expectation of, you gotta have your makeup and your lipstick, and your lashes and your nails and all the things done. And she said, Well, you know, I have a choice. Like, if I’m going to be on stage speaking to people, you know, it allows me to get that stuff out of the like, it allows it so there’s no distraction for people if I’m not wearing it. So I chose to put on my eyelashes to do this presentation or whatever, but also harm reduction is also she talked about it being maybe a boob job. Or maybe it’s the BBL where it’s like, you know, you’re you’re getting your butt lifted.
Lesley Logan 23:14
Oh, Iwas wondering if you knew what that was.
Brad Crowell 23:16
I definitely had to look it up. I don’t know what a Brazilian Butt Lift is. I didn’t know that. But
Lesley Logan 23:23
I know. I remember. Like, I like how she brought this up, though. Because it is a choice. And we all have different.
Brad Crowell 23:32
I remember getting I remember judging a friend of mine for getting her lips filled. And I was like, What, you don’t need to do that.
Lesley Logan 23:40
Yeah, and I still I still enjoy. I don’t know if enjoy is the right word, I still am okay with like, asking somebody why they want to do something like that. Just because I don’t think we all have to go, you’re amazing. Go get your lips done. You’re amazing. Go get this. I do think like as a friend, it’s okay to say, Hey, do you think you need to do that?
Brad Crowell 23:58
I mean, I wasn’t in a place to say that. I was just like, I was actually like, definitely, I felt like I guess I had this preconception that anyone who’s getting the work done, they don’t like themselves. And so therefore, they’re doing the work so that they can like themselves more. And I think that this conversation with Dr. Holbrook is the opposite of that. In fact, you can still love yourself and get that work done. And maybe, you know, it doesn’t have to be this, like my perspective that I was putting on this is, oh, well, they must not like themselves. So therefore they’re trying to like themselves more by doing this.
Lesley Logan 24:40
Yeah, I understand that. So I definitely think I used especially prior to this I. There’s because there’s harm reductions that I do. Like I color my hair because I it’s a choice. I really do like the way I look with this hair color. I’ve had it for 15 years. It’s not changing. We’re not stopping. I get my eyelashes done, because I actually don’t want to do my makeup. And I know that putting on makeup does make it easier. It’s less distracting for people to get your point across when you’re on social media and you’re doing things. And by the way, it does look better when the Melasma is a little bit covered up, it’s less distracting, so I can get my point across. However, I do recall I do remember like saying similar thoughts like, Oh, God, why would they do that? They’re so beautiful without that, right? Yeah, that’s it, they, they, it doesn’t even matter what like that. It is what they feel would reduce harm towards them. And if we could see it that way, then we could actually probably even more can’t have even more kindness towards other people. Yeah, maybe let people would need less harm reduction actions, but also whether or not they get them. There’s not it’s actually not that there’s something wrong with them for doing it.
Brad Crowell 24:40
Yeah, she specifically emphasized the importance of not shaming someone, or or yourself for engaging in activities that are that promote harm reduction.
Lesley Logan 25:57
And I don’t think anyone listening to this is like actively going around going, I can’t believe you got your lips done. But I do think
Brad Crowell 26:03
I think it’s just you might not ever be anything you would ever say. But you still think you know, I mean, me too.
Lesley Logan 26:11
But I feel like I sense this conversation because we had it a couple months ago, I have like, as I’ve seen people who’ve done different, like, harm reduction actions, or when I’m doing them, I’m much more conscious of that and going okay, it’s just a habit. Do I need to do reduce harm in this moment? Or am I like, is it am I choosing to do this? And as long as I’m choosing to do it, I think it’s absolutely fine if I’m doing it because I think other people expected of me. That’s what I’m like, it actually doesn’t fucking matter what I look like right now. Because I don’t want to choose that right now. So I think that that’s was also thank you, Celeste. Super enlightening for me, because I’m like, when I put lipstick on, I am choosing to do it or not. And so it’s not like, Oh, I think people expect this of me as well.
Brad Crowell 26:51
Yeah. And I think it extends to the next step of like, actual personal safety. So harm reduction. But then there’s also the personal safety. So it may be that weight loss or surgery is literally for a safety purpose. So yeah, you know, and we just don’t know all the specifics.
Lesley Logan 27:10
And so, you know, we can also give ourselves a ton of brain space back by not worrying about other people’s harm reductions.
Brad Crowell 27:16
Yeah, who fucking cares? You (Lesley: you do you babe! What did you love?) Yeah, so I really loved that she talked about basically, reframing how we think of what is exactly sex, right? Because sex will change as we age. Because our bodies change as we get older. And she said, you can have sex in different ways. Over there, you know, what, have you have a 50 year relationship? You know, is sex the same? When you first met as it is 50 years later, of course, not, that just sounds like laughable, right? But what is sex, you know, as you’re with someone for over the long time? and, you know, so she talked about maybe actually having a discussion about how you like to feel. Again, it’s not about how you look, it’s about how you feel during sex and what sex feels like. And I thought, I know we talked about this on the first recap, in Episode 86, that like sitting down and saying, Hey, this is how I like to feel, you know, when we are having sex, but what I, I guess, a year later, or a year and a half later, like coming back around and listening to this a second time. She mentioned words like, I want to feel safe. I want to feel excited. I want it to be fun, or silly, or something like that. And I’d never really thought about, like, I don’t know, all I thought is like, whatever you feel like what you see in the movies, sex is intense. It’s this intense,
Lesley Logan 29:06
Or it’s romantic, right? Or sensual. Yeah. And you can want all of those things, but like, there are more, there’s actually more words, there’s more feelings,
Brad Crowell 29:17
Right! And, you know, she said, Well, I want to feel more connected. And that one I thought was really interesting. Because, you know, it could be that it’s very, you know, like, it’s just like, something that you scheduled every Thursday at 4:30pm. And, you know, you get it out of the way and that’s, you know, like(…)
Lesley Logan 29:37
Oh my god, one of my girlfriends in LA. I mean, she granted she was out they were older than us by a little bit but like she said, Lesley, you just do it twice a week. That’s what happens when you’ve been married for 25 years. I mean, great. I think that’s actually probably more than most people who’ve been married for that long, go you but like it’s also (….)
Brad Crowell 30:01
Lesley Logan 30:03
Brad Crowell 30:03
We’ll get home from the gym, we’re gonna take a shower, we’re gonna have sex, and then we’re gonna have hot dogs on the grill.
Lesley Logan 30:07
Like, and also fine, but like, please have the conversation. I think we talked about like, once a quarter or like, a couple times a year about like, how often are you sharing how you want to feel? And then like, also, I think this goes into the Be It action items. So I’m gonna kind of go all just be quick on this. It’s like, if you are like, I want to feel intense. And I’m like, I want to feel like relax. It’s like, okay, so what other were what other words? Can we like? What else, there is a Venn diagram where that works out? So how do we do that?
Brad Crowell 30:42
Yeah, well, and the connected thing I thought was interesting, because she said, Well, what if part of sex was actually having a conversation with each other prior to, you know, getting started.
Lesley Logan 30:53
But, Brad, that would remain that they need more time?
Brad Crowell 30:57
Which, you know, or, you know, especially as you age, you know, she’s talking about, like, people who are older. What if sex is sitting on the patio holding each other’s hands during the sunset? But what if it’s not actually like, you know, penetration?
Lesley Logan 31:16
I know, I think like, we forget that intimacy is so many different things. Yeah, it can even just be looking at each other’s eyes. Yeah, you know, and also just being still with the other person and being present. So, hey, I mean, I really enjoy, you guys, if you’re not following her on Instagram, I’m just gonna say you should do that. Her Wes Anderson, reel that she did during the whole thing. Like maybe she can laugh. She’s funny. She’s funny. Also, she recently posted like, girls, like the kids are in bed, my husband, I got all the toys out. And she’s like, I look more like a Western like horsemen writer than I do someone about to have sex because she like, she’s about to, like, go, like, get some horses. I just, I just really enjoy her approach to it, because she really talks about it like the weather. And I think like, I especially because she grew up in a purity culture. And we both grew up in a religious household, and we have a guest coming up who grew up in a religious household, and now is in the sexual world, it’s like, we do really need to have sex be like the weather. Not like the sex is boring, like the weather, but like that talking about what your needs are is like saying like, Oh my God, it’s 111 degrees today. Like it has to be more normalized, and a little less awkward, because it’s the only way we can actually probably get more curious and get our needs met.
Brad Crowell 32:37
Yeah. And I think just to sum this up with with what she mentioned about sexual resiliency, you know, so it’s an interesting concept, you know, can sex be resilient? And I think that as we, with communication, if we can shift the definition of what sex means or is to us in your relationship, you know, in our relationship, then, you know, we can keep things sexy, keep things, you know, intimate over time. And it doesn’t necessarily need to always be the Thursday at 430 meeting equal sex, maybe sex is more than that.
Lesley Logan 33:20
Well, and also, you can still have sex at 430 on Thursday, but just being present and being intentional about what that is, I keep thinking about, there’s two things that came up. I hope the second one comes back to my mind, because it’s already left. But the first one I’ve talked about with her before was like, it is this this article that was read on a New York Times like Sunday reads, it was an article in The New York Times about like sex over like 70 or 60, or something like that. And it was the most interesting thing, because, oh, the second thing about (…) good, so the most interesting thing, because it was about this idea of like, how the sex change when you’re 90 and like some people need to do it on their side. And like, also maybe their first partner they were
Brad Crowell 34:03
Sorry, can you say that one more time? How to what? Oh, so does…. how does sex change
Lesley Logan 34:06
How does that change when you’re, as you’re older? Because especially like when you’re older, if you have osteoporosis, or different things were like, maybe like somebody doesn’t have the strength to be on top so like, all like they were talking about having sex on their side, because like it’s easier on both parties to like, lay there on their side and like, get old. get old. Hey, everyone, strength train, do your pilates.
Brad Crowell 34:33
Lesley Logan 34:34
If you would like just keep doing sex, the way you’re doing it. You’ve got to have flexibility and strength all the way. So the second thing that came up is I remember, I don’t know if I’ve talked about this before on the podcast, so forgive me, but I remember I was in physical therapy for my wrist. And I was always like, it was time where like, I just sit there and just let these probes like, do this little energy stuff on my arms. I’m just sitting there and I was trying not to listen to this conversation. But I of course, my ears perked up when she, my, my physical therapist was working with this woman. And the woman was like, Oh, I thought it was gonna work with your husband? And she said, Well, you are at the point in the physical therapy where I have to ask a question, and it just comes out better. If it’s with me, how do you and your partner have sex? And the woman looked at her and she said, Well, you’ve been coming for six weeks, and you’re still having the same pain in your lower back and your pelvis. And so I’m just wondering if you guys are always doing missionary? And she said, Yes. And she said, may suggest you explore other positions. Because until we can strengthen the muscles that support your pelvis, and your back, that position is actually just hitting everything that we’re working on. And so I remember like going, huh, that’s so interesting. And so I find like, sexual resilience is like that. It’s like, if there’s a position that you and your partner are usually doing, and you no longer can do it. Sexual resilience is also us saying, hey, yeah, I really love you. But that position is no longer working for my private parts right now. We need to move things around.
Brad Crowell 36:10
Yeah, yeah. I mean, communication. //
// All right. Finally, let’s talk about those Be It action items. What bold, executable, intrinsic or targeted action items can we take away from your convo with Dr. Celeste Holbrook?…(Lesley: you’re going first) I’m doing it. She said, You know, she’s actually working on this herself in her own life. And she said discipline, even when you don’t feel motivated. And I think she specifically mentioned like, like getting her name out there with like, you know, submitting things for press and whatever. And it’s just like the slog that she’s got to go through but being disciplined enough to be consistent with that. You know, and she said, She’s, because when you want she wants to be on TEDx. She wants to have likes,
Lesley Logan 37:21
I hope she is also and Dr. Celeste, have you looked at Aspen Ideas? I think you need to be on that to. Aspen Ideas. Yes. Aspen Ideas. It’s another like thought leading thinker thing and Eliza slashing. I was just on there. And I was like, What is this Aspen Ideas? And she said it’s like a TEDx but something different? And I was like, Oh, we all should have. We can now have new goals.
Brad Crowell 37:43
I love that. Aspen Ideas? It’s a festival. Yeah. It’s just happened. We just finished
Lesley Logan 37:50
Just finished. But then she could put her application in for next year.
Brad Crowell 37:52
Lesley Logan 37:53
I’m here making goals for Dr. Celeste.
Brad Crowell 37:56
We got you covered. We will dream big for you. She said what I thought was interesting is she always kind of rejected this idea of discipline. Because discipline meant like being put in a box. And then like, these are the rules. You have to follow those rules and all this stuff. And she said actually, again, reframing discipline, because discipline is going to help me achieve my goals. And I thought, oh, that’s that’s actually really well said. What about you?
Lesley Logan 38:28
Yeah, Okay, so we she was her Be It action item was like, emulating is embodiment. So this was very interesting. And she said that the feelings of insecurity and discomfort around our parents or our bodies is not out of the ordinary. During sex during sex. Yes. And so you’re not alone if you feel that way. And, but it’s important to become aware of what you want your sex life to feel like emotionally. And I think we again, we get hung up on, like, How do I look when I’m having sex and like and not be more concerned with, Like, what do I want out of this experience? Like, how do I want to feel what I want it to feel like? And so she says, translate this to emotions and behaviors. So she said, sit down. And we talked about this a moment ago, dream of this to have a sexual experience would feel and then come up with words. And you both write it down. And you both share it. Yeah. And I thought I really liked that she said, You both write it down. Because it’s kind of like that game show with the married couples where it’s like, who asked who on the first date? And you they both like raise their thing up and you realize that they both wrote chose the wrong answer, but they both have their right. It’s like you write it down, so that you don’t change. I liked it so you don’t change how you what you wrote down based on what your partner said they wanted. You can each have what you want, and you can share it without being swayed in that moment. And then you can talk about how to organize it so you both get what you want. And I So really, she said, could you—
Brad Crowell 38:30
Also you can figure out there’s some overlap.
Lesley Logan 40:03
Yeah, I think so I feel like we all need a thesaurus and a book of emotions I, I’m like, I need more words.
Brad Crowell 40:11
I really give you my words.
Lesley Logan 40:14
But she said, you can discover shared desires for connection and for fun, and also recognize unique emotional preferences. And, you know, I think like, being in a relationship for a long time, and having that sexual resilience is like, giving with the person what they need, makes them feel more amazing. And then they can give you what you need. And the day you feel more amazing goes back to that book, getting the love you want. It’s like instead of like, you, you love the person so much. You give them what they’re asking for. They give you what you’re asking for. And then everyone gets their needs met, instead of just demanding what you want and expecting the person to just read your mind. So I just was like, um, it’s not working out for anybody. That’s no fun. And so anyways, I just thought it was I thought I just wanted the whole I thought the whole episode was a Be It action item…(Brad: I feel like she’s gonna be back.) Yeah, we have to have her back. We really do. I almost like want a panel of like, there was this other woman who she I heard on asteria. And she was talking about, it was really funny the way she was talking about her sex life. And she’s like, Yeah, sometimes I take breaks and get a sandwich. And I’m like, most it’s a whole day event for you.
Brad Crowell 41:33
Wow, get a sandwich?
Lesley Logan 41:36
Like, can you have sex after eating? Like, I don’t know.
Brad Crowell 41:41
What kind of sandwich?
Lesley Logan 41:43
I don’t know. But then we heard like Shawn Hayes’s partner like that one time want to bake a burrito. And I’m like, well, like, I guess everybody is stocking up on protein, you know, so. But anyways, I, I really enjoyed this, I’m gonna keep bringing it back. Because I just know that for women, this kind of conversation needs to happen more often. So becomes a little bit more natural. It just yeah, just talks about the girlfriend that we’re going to see chip and nails. And she’s like, Oh, that’s like, probably like outside of my playing. And I was like, oh, it’s actually really entertaining. And it’s really a lot of fun and like, and I was like, Oh, wow, like maybe we’re not showing that, like an experience like that doesn’t have to be as sexual as it’s promoted to be. It can also just be an enjoyable experience that kind of gets you your curiosity piqued about like, oh, what vignette and there did turn me on and like, you know, I just more more opportunities to be curious, because in the first episode she was on, she said, like everything we do in life we do by modeling. Our parent cooks, we learn how to cook, someone drives with watching window to drive. That doesn’t happen in our life and around cuz the stuff that does happen…
Brad Crowell 42:51
It’s I would say it’s very infrequent or if it…
Lesley Logan 42:54
well, it’s porn.
Brad Crowell 42:56
Well, what I meant was, it’s, I think generationally speaking, it’s highly unlikely that your parents actually modeled any sex in any way.
Lesley Logan 43:07
Yeah, they really hid it also, because I do think that there’s like, weird lines that could be crossed. You know, but like, but so so then it’s left up to porn to be the model for you, which like, these are movies, like, not many of those are saying, this is acting and this is a healthy relationship, this an actor and actress. And they communicated beforehand and agreed upon all the things like sign a paper. Yeah, so I, so I do, I do want to have her back and have more conversations like this. So we can like, truly get past our bodies, ladies, and really get more and what do we want? And it’s not just what we want in our life and for our goals and for the money we want to make and the people want to be friends with. But also like, how do you want to feel in that sexual experience with the partner you’re with? So yeah, anyways, I’m Lesley Logan.
Brad Crowell 43:54
And I’m Brad Crowell.
Lesley Logan 43:54
Thank you so much for joining us today. I really hope you had a good time listening this, I’m sure. I hope this wasn’t like talking about sex with your parents. I really hope this was less awkward than that. And we want to know how you’re using these tips. I challenge you to just share the episode. Yeah, I know that that might be uncomfortable for you. But also like, again, even if you just share it in a text message to a friend like, Hey, you were talking about with your partner. There’s been something like, share this with them because they need to know they’re not alone. And they need to know that there are options out there that do not require them to be somebody else. You can actually ask for what they want. So share this with a friend.
Brad Crowell 44:30
If you really loved this episode, and you want us to bring Dr. Celeste Halbrook back, send us a DM
Lesley Logan 44:37
And send us the questions you want us to ask her. Yeah, yeah, that’s a great idea. Yeah, Be It Till You See It babe.
Brad Crowell 44:37
Bye for now.
That’s all I’ve got for this episode of the Be It Till You See It podcast. One thing that would help both myself and future listeners is for you to rate this show and leave a review. And, follow or subscribe for free wherever you listen to podcasts. Also, make sure to introduce yourself over on IG at the @be_it_pod on Instagram. I would love to know more about you. Share this episode with whoever you think needs to hear it. Help us help others to BE IT TILL YOU SEE IT. Have an awesome day!
‘Be It Till You See It’ is a production of ‘Bloom Podcast Network’.
It’s written, filmed and recorded by your host, Lesley Logan and me, Brad Crowell.
It is produced and edited by the epic team at Disenyo.
Our theme music is by Ali at APEX Production Music. And our branding by designer and artist, Gianfranco Cioffi.
Special thanks to Melissa Solomon for creating our visuals and Ximena Velasquez for our transcriptions.
Also to Angelina Herico for adding all the content to our website. And finally to Meridith Crowell for keeping us all on point and on time.
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