Create More Harmony

in Your Relationship

Ep. 280 Kelli Adame Williams

“Feelings are valid, no matter what. They don’t have to rationally make sense. But just honor them.”

Kelli Adame Williams

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Bio

Relationship Expert / Trained + Educated as Depth Psychotherapist and Relationship Coach. I’m an expert in helping women, men and couples navigate modern love and relationships. I specialize in the understanding and application of balancing Masculine and Feminine Energies, Communication, Dating well and building successful relationships and marriages. I help high-achieving women navigate the journey from single and dating to successfully married. And I help married individuals/couples improve the marriage they have. I equip, educate and encourage my clients to help them achieve their relationship goals.

Show Notes

How can we balance masculine and feminine energies to create more harmonious and loving relationships? Dive deep with Kelli as she shares real-life examples and impactful advice on emotional integration and balancing energies for fruitful relationships in today’s episode.

If you have any comments or questions about the Be It pod shoot us a message at [email protected]. Or leave a comment below!

And as always, if you’re enjoying the show please share it with someone who you think would enjoy it as well. It is your continued support that will help us continue to help others. Thank you so much! Never miss another show by subscribing at LesleyLogan.co/subscribe.

In this episode you will learn about:

  • Kelli’s journey in depth psychotherapy and relationship dynamics.
  • Understanding and balancing masculine and feminine energies.
  • The evolving gender dynamics in relationships.
  • The pillars of successful relationships: chemistry, compatibility, communication.
  • The importance of self-value, boundaries, and emotional understanding.

Episode References/Links:

Transcript

Lesley Logan: If you want your feelings cherished, and you want your thoughts respected, then what was your partner gonna get? Right? So ask yourself, was it more important for you in your, in your romantic relationships to have your feelings cherished by your partner or to have your thoughts respected by your partner?

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INTRODUCTION

Lesley Logan
Welcome to the Be It Till You See It podcast where we talk about taking messy action, knowing that perfect is boring. I’m Lesley Logan, Pilates instructor and fitness business coach. I’ve trained thousands of people around the world and the number one thing I see stopping people from achieving anything is self doubt. My friends, action brings clarity and it’s the antidote to fear. Each week, my guests will bring Bold, Executable, Intrinsic and Targeted steps that you can use to put yourself first and Be It Till You See It. It’s a practice, not a perfect. Let’s get started.

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Lesley Logan 0:01
All right, my loves, okay. So I’ve been really interested in this topic, and I want you to know this is already going to be a two parter, we’re going to have her back. And I thought it’d be really interesting because I think it can be if you if you are on social media, you’ll see things like people (inaudible) paint your feminine energy, paint your feminine power, and like just owning that. And I, I like would look at those things and kind of like go roll my eyes, which is, I’m just be really honest, I’d roll my eyes because I lived in LA. And I would be at restaurants. And I would be working in coffee shops, and there’d be people around me spouting like being in the divine feminine and like, the words coming out their mouth just did not actually make a complete sentence, which actually would be able to live on this planet Earth and a relationship with anyone. So I felt like yeah, I love all that you’re saying. And also, that’s not reality when you’re in a relationship with someone. And so I always wonder, like, how do we have this like, amazing, feminine energy, but also, I run a business. So obviously, I’m gonna be in my masculine energy, um, don’t worry for like, what are these things? Lesley, our guest today, Kelli Adame is going to explain them to you. But I was like, How do I do that? Because is it a light switch. Am I like, turn it on off? And is it a is it a? Is it a spectrum? Is it a balance, like, what is it? And so I’ve always wondered. And then I was on a plane listening to my friend’s podcast, and I heard this woman and I was like, Oh, my God, I finally understand it. And it doesn’t sound crazy. And it doesn’t sound like it’s impossible to have. And it sounds like we have to have both. And we have to learn how to have both. And then it’s like, Oh, interesting. So many of us have been raised to be in this masculine energy and to really own it. No wonder we struggle with being in our feelings and feeling our feelings and to be it till you see it. Like you can’t, it’s not just about doing and in fact, before killing I hit record, sometimes it’s about being like just being so we have a really good episode for you. We’re gonna talk a lot about masculine feminine energy. And also how like in a relationship you have four people. And I thought that was really fascinating. And I’m excited to recap this with my Brad, my husband, because it’s really interesting. Also, like, Kelli and I had like whole hour long talk when I got off. So I already have a second episode planned with her. So we’ll get her recorded on the topic of healthy masculine energy. Because I think it’s important for you to spot that and others. And also, if that’s the energy you decide that you want to lean into more what that looks like for you. But let’s just get into today’s episode with Kelli Adame.

Lesley Logan 2:52
Alright, Be It babe. I’m really excited about this. This is the first time I’ve actually seen this woman on my screen. But I had her in my ears while on a plane. And I was listening to another podcast and like, Oh my God, I’ve always wanted to know more about this masculine feminine energy. I’ve always wanted to understand how it works in relationships or just in life. And she was just just phenomenal and make me at ease. Because sometimes I feel like people get a little woowoo on this. And I’m I’m a white girl. So Kelli Adame. Thank you so much.

Kelli Adame 4:07
I’m like a reformed, I’ve been deep into the whoo and come out and I’m balanced. So I relate. I understand that journey. But I’m with you.

Lesley Logan 4:15
Like I told somebody, something happened yesterday. And my husband is like because like, we had this whole situation in our neighborhood. And I actually ran into the neighbor who like took the situation out of control. And I explained to them in like nice calm, where it’s like, this is why I didn’t respond to your question in that moment. And this is why you didn’t need that information. And here’s the information now. And they were so good with it. And I texted another neighbor who knew and she’s like, Oh, the healing powers of the Aquarius and the full moon. That’s what’s happening here. And I was just like, Yep, sure. I don’t like is it great? Yeah, it’s not it’s fine with me. I’m just glad that that’s done but I told Brad. He just yeah, of course she’d say that.

Kelli Adame 4:54
Yeah, you know what’s really funny about that as a starting point is that I when I was In my 20s, I was a part of this women’s community where I did a ton of healing. And it was very woowoo there were some amazing things, you know, and healing that happened there. But what happened was, I basically realized that all of these women, none of them had successful relationships with men. So there was all this beautiful healing, but they were so they had all this, you know, self awareness, and they had all of this actualization, but they were like, single, and didn’t have any clear way of understanding about how to like, navigate that journey. And I was like, baffled by that. And I knew for me that I wanted that, ultimately, that I wanted, you know, like a good, monogamous, committed man to love and pursue and cherish me and to build a life together. And I wanted that, and it’s fine if you don’t want that, but I did. And they had no idea how to help me get that. And it’s one of the things that became part of like, I got to figure this out. Because if I’m all healed, and amazing, but all alone, like that’s not that’s not my vision. That’s not my end vision. You know what I mean?

Lesley Logan 6:02
Oh, Kelli, that’s so cool. So, Hi, Kelli, thanks for being here. (Kelli Adame: Hi. Sorry. Jumping in.) I know, we really jumped in. Um, okay. So that makes sense. Because before we were recording, you’re like, Yeah, I kind of like stumbled into this. So that kind of is like your curiosity led you here. Can you tell everyone a little bit who you are and what you’re doing?

Kelli Adame 6:22
Sure. So my name is Kelli Adame. And I am trained and educated as a deaf psychotherapist, sent to graduate school to do that. And in that journey, and in my graduate research, I fell into this study of what became largely focused around masculine and feminine energy. And we’ll dive into all of that, and how that happened. But basically, in my graduate research, I was really struck by a lot of Carl Jung’s work, which was like, He’s a famous psychoanalyst, a lot of people are aware of him. And he said that anywhere in a society where a lot of individual people are suffering from the same personal pain, he says, There’s something from the collective unconscious, it’s trying to make itself known. And it’s akin to this, like, if you have pain in your knee, it sends a signal to your brain that says, like, oh, like, that hurts, there’s something out of alignment, right? That pain is asking for your intention, because it’s telling you something’s out of alignment, and then we try to figure out what it is, right. So that’s the same principle in terms of approaching relationship. It’s like, if we’re struggling in relationship, and there’s pain or their struggle, or there’s suffering there, there’s something that’s inviting us into something that we’re not aware of. And so I thought, Okay, well in the modern Western world, for all of our advances and all of our progress, and, you know, I see people still really struggling, especially at my peer level, who were really struggling to make relationships work, they were, you know, kicking butt and taking names professionally and, you know, operating in their genius and on the self-healing journeys, but like, I saw very few people that were really crushing it in terms of romantic relationship. And so I didn’t really have a lot to look to. So anyways, I thought, Well, why are we so out of alignment with that, like, if we’ve progressed in all these other ways? What are we missing? And so that just became this discovery that took me down all these rabbit holes. And one of the things that discovered that I discovered that was just transformational in my own life, and has become a cornerstone of my work is a deep and integrated understanding around masculine and feminine energy and how to apply it and embody it in a real way. Not just talking about it. esoterically but like, how do I actually communicate? What does it look like? You know, so anyways, all that so did that. And I originally thought I would do a lot more trauma work. I have a lot of trauma background, I have a lot of background addiction. And I got certified in hypnotherapy. I did two years of like a pastoral ministry training, like, okay, that’s certified as a relationship coach, like lots of training. You’re learning I’m going in. I’m a learner. It’s one of my top five strengths. Gallup strengths.

Lesley Logan 9:02
Yes, my husband and I that’s actually Gallup strengths is why we had when you hooked up the first night because we said what are your top five strengths and we use that we share it and he’s like, you want to get out of here and we totally had a great night. Learner is not in my top five but every one of my assistants is one and thank goodness for you guys.

Kelli Adame 9:21
learner. I know I love it, right? So but I’m like, have all that now that I’m trying to like, share because so then I basically went into I ended up pretty quickly going into private practice for gosh, it’s been like nine years. And I it really immediately I was very blessed and immediately was successful. And I’ve had just a very high referral, faith practice for nine years and honed a lot of all of that learning with people and help them have a lot of transformation. So women men I work with a lot of man that’s also been so amazing to have a lot of insight and understanding about men, couples, you know, and I think really friendships are amazing because they become this amazing container for healing and for growth.

Lesley Logan 10:03
Yeah. Okay now soI have so many things I like want to like noodle around. So first of all, for the person who’s listening who’s only heard of masculine feminine energy from the person wearing all white with a beautiful light on them and the crystals everywhere? Can you explain what we’re talking about? So we’re all on the same page with what that is? And like, can we embody both energies? Like, is it possible to have both and

Kelli Adame 10:34
100% 100%? So I want to try to make it as like applicable as possible, right? I don’t. So I’m going to try to be very clean and clear about it. So essentially, in the simplest of terms, all human beings, despite their gender carry masculine and feminine energy, right, Carl Jung talks about the Animus and the Anima, that like a man has also an aspect of his soul that is feminine, and vice versa. And so but when you when the idea is that you want to understand it, so that it becomes applicable in your life? So if we look at it today, if I were to say, so I carry both masculine and feminine energy, right? So do you see it as my husband, absolute as your husband, so essentially, when you’re in relationship, there’s four of you.

Lesley Logan 11:15
And you’re bringing the astrology, astrological signs,

Kelli Adame 11:21
You bring in all the temperaments, and like what you are in the Enneagram. But we’re just keeping it, keeping it simple. So the reality is, let’s just define it a little bit. So you understand, in principle, what I’m talking about when I say energy, so it’s like any human being who’s working, right. So if I’m thinking, if I’m pursuing, if I’m doing productive, if I’m doing something, if I’m initiating, if I’m leading, if I’m thinking, if I have ideas, if I’m making money, if I’m setting a goal, if I’m functioning in any feminine school, if I’m in work, I’m functioning in masculine energy. So masculine energy says, like, I think I want, it goes after what it wants. It’s very rational-oriented, feminine energy is essentially its complement. So its energy is more passive than active, it’s about receiving more than it is about giving, it’s about being authentically connected to your emotions and your feelings, and allow and giving them space to be integrated and honored. And we talked about how that marries with the masculine side of things. It’s connected to sensuality, and sexuality and beauty and, you know, all the things that inspire us, really. So the idea is you want if you, you know, my perspective is, ideally, we want to have a healthy like, inner marriage of those, right? Sort of like the yin and the yang, same idea where you’re balancing both of those energies within yourself. So that you know, so like, I love my work. And I know when I’m functioning in masculine energy, and that’s great, but I really had to learn how to connect with and embrace the feminine aspect of my life. And the reason that’s important is because in our current culture, and this is certainly was true for me. You know, I was raised by a corporate businesswoman. Love my mom, she’s amazing. She broke glass ceilings, and did amazing things. But she was not really available to me in her feminine energy and a lot of ways later, actually, ironically, after she retired and stuff that shifted, but all that to say I was raised to be really function in that masculine form. So it’s like this is this is why a lot of women I work with are high achievers are perfectionist. You know.

Lesley Logan 13:30
I’m feeling like I’m being like therapies right now. Yes. All those things. Yes. My father, like I love my parents, love you guys are listening. But like when they told me as a kid, like there will always be someone stronger, faster or prettier, richer than you. So you’re only as good as like today’s best work. And tomorrow’s a new day. Correct? masculine energy. Nailed it. Got that?

Kelli Adame 13:50
Yeah, we like we’re kicking ass in that light. Okay, but when you but when I asked women today, I’m like, Well, tell me how you feel about X, Y and Z. They’ll immediately bridge together the other hemisphere of the brain and tell me what they think. So they say they’ll say, so they’ll give a thought and I go, that’s not a feeling. That’s a thought. Okay, that’s how do you feel? They don’t even What do you mean? How do I I don’t even know how I feel.

Lesley Logan 14:15
Like are you sad? Are you like, where do you feel that I’m like, What?

Kelli Adame 14:19
Are you my body? Oh, yeah, well, no, because you’re like, I’m up here. I don’t What do you mean? Yeah. Yeah.

Lesley Logan 14:24
Where am I supposed to feel it? Because I can think that I’ll get there.

Kelli Adame 14:31
And, you know, listen, what’s so amazing is that like, so we get into all these. The thing that’s also beautiful about this work is that it has to be connected to other other pieces of understanding and sort of like, you know, the roots of a tree. There’s a lot of things connected to it. If you just take masculine feminine energy by itself, isolated, and you don’t teach like a lot of the other things that I teach, it can’t be as transformational. It can’t be as integrated. So what I mean by that, for example, is sort of what we’re talking about, like we grow up in our family system. And we are in our families. And those are the very first human beings that we have relationship with. And for better, for worse, they download and become the baseline of our reference of what relationship as I talked about that being like your relationship blueprint. And so how you observe the dynamics between your your parents are the people who helped raise you, how they spoke to you, how they, you get conditioned and shaped by that environment, and that is your baseline, that’s normal. And then you that’s like your programming that gets downloaded. And then you go out in the world and you’re like, Okay, I’m gonna go take that programming. And do you know what I’ve learned to do from this environment, we also learn to adapt to survive those environments, right? Because I’ve never met anybody who’s whose childhood was perfect. Have you?

Lesley Logan 15:46
No, no. Although I think when we were kids, but like, they have a better childhood, they have what I want. Like, you know, at least those of us who are like, Yeah, this is not, I don’t think this is right, I’m gonna go there. That was my, I thought, my best friend had the best childhood, I thought she had the best parents, the best family. And unfortunately, she’s no longer with us on this world. And it’s because she actually thought she didn’t have that. And it’s just that was like, when that happened. It happened last year. So she was, um, just shy of like, 39. And it’s like, oh, wow, it’s so crazy. Like, we look at other people, and we just go, they have the, they have the life that I’m wanting. And really, we don’t know, half the story. So now, so it’s like, yeah, I understand what you’re saying. And no one has ever had a perfect childhood, everyone will have flaws in it. And I guess it’s like, the journey that we’re all supposed to be to feel those things.

Kelli Adame 16:36
Oh, totally. Totally. I think so. I mean, if you have the desire to change and the courage to do the work, right. I mean, the willingness.

Lesley Logan 16:43
Yeah, yeah.

Kelli Adame 16:44
That’s the thing. And for the people who want to do that, they’re our tribe right between you and me, that’s like, you know, and I love everybody, you could be exactly where you are, accept you with no judgment. And if you’re trying to take this journey, like, I’d love to be able to support you and be of service, right, that’s my heart, I think that’s yours, too. From everything I can see about, about all the beautiful things you do so so all that to say, it’s like when we grow up in this environment, and then we’re adapting to survive that environment, then that becomes our conditioning. And, you know, this gets into this idea of parts work that I do, too, which is where you develop these parts, that, you know, like I developed maybe like a performer part, which is that, like, if I get good grades, and if I do really great and I perform well, then I get like love and, and, you know, acknowledgment from my family, from my parents, and wow, that feels really good. So let me keep doing that. So now I’m going to keep performing now I’m going to keep achieving now I’m going to keep in that it’s going to be my love language, so that I’m going to grow up and I’m going to start dating men, and I’m going to be putting out there like, Hey, look at all these great things I can do. Look at all these things I’ve achieved. (Lesley: Look at how great I am. Hello.) Look at how great I am. I have a client and she’s, she talks a lot about her PhD. And I can tell her identity is really tied to like, she’s like, like, I am a great catch. And I have this PhD and I you know, I’ve done all these things, and I go listen to me, you are amazing. And everything that you did to turn that around that PhD is amazing. And that is not where your value comes from. And PS I have yet to hear a man go to another man like, Have you seen her PhD? Have you seen all the degrees on her wall? Like, that’s what I’m looking for? I’m looking for a girl with lots of numbers on the end of her. You know what I mean?

Lesley Logan 18:26
Though, so I do know what you mean.

Kelli Adame 18:28
And that’s not just I mean, I’m saying like, I have graduate level education, go get it. Just don’t tie your identity and your self-worth to that.

Lesley Logan 18:39
Yeah, I think that that, like, it’s, I think that’s really, gosh, it’s kind of like, you never know when that could get taken away. You know, like, especially like during the pandemic, so many people lost their jobs or not even lost their jobs, but unable to do the jobs. And they didn’t actually know what they were, because they were so tied up in the identity of the job. And or if they like we had I had a guest on, he was a stay-at-home father. And when his daughter like when they took her to college, she thought he had like another day with her and she’s like, okay, bye, guys. And he just like did not know who he was. If you did not have a child at home to be at the state home father, and it’s like we people get so wrapped up and then look what they do and not and that’s not what you’re saying is like who we are and like what we the value we bring. Yeah.

Kelli Adame 19:28
Yeah. And I think a lot of us have to kind of fight to untangle that and figure now, for a lot of us, certainly for me that came from the conditioning of my you know, it was like never an option that I wasn’t going to college like my mom was like scheduling family trips when I was like in the fourth grade to go visit colleges while we were visiting national parks. It was like this happened it was you know, and I remember graduating undergraduate, like, you know, when I got my bachelor’s and people would ask me all the time, like what do you what do you want to do? And I had this epiphany like What do I want to do? And it was just this moment where I was like, I’ve never even asked myself, What do I want to do? Because I was living so much of my life for what I thought my parents wanted, or expected of me, or what I thought was gonna garnish approval. Like it was like a like what do I want.

Lesley Logan 20:16
So I was so that oh my god, that’s a question everyone write that down. And like, that’s your journal entry for today? Or it’s like what I journal about, you could just actually, that could be the question of the prompt every day, are you? I don’t again, I don’t want to like whittle it down masculine, feminine to like anything like specific but like, is the like what I want to do a more of a feminine approach, feminine energy approach versus like, I feel like, I actually feel like our entire world is like all of us being the masculine energy. Yeah, interesting. And that’s not to get onto the world, I don’t want to actually dive in and be the person who talks about like, what masculinity is. But like, it really feels like no one actually knows how to be masculine in this world. But we’re all in this masculine energy.

Lesley Logan 21:01
So this is what I’m saying. Like, we could probably do it (inaudible) (Lesley: I’m excited about this.)

Kelli Adame 21:08
Good. I know, this is my jam, I love it. So it’s fascinating. So what’s cool about the field of depth, psychology is it looks, it’s a subset of psychology, it looks at the way nature culture and the individual, like the individual psyche, and the collective psyche. So you can look at things happening with a personal journey. But you could also look at what’s happening in a culture where a lot of things are shifting. So there’s obviously a lot of what you’re talking about is relevant today. And it’s tricky to talk about, you know, a little bit sometimes, because I want to be respectful of everybody. But I also like I can only share what I know is truth that I’ve experienced working with hundreds and hundreds of people and what I’ve studied and what I know, but essentially, we are out of balance within ourselves, men and women. And I think that we are on one hand starved for authentic, feminine energy. And I kind of, you know, like, I’m definitely like a first wave feminist. And I think that the feminist movement was amazing and sensitive, opened all these doors for women to pursue all of our gifts and abilities in the world and society. And the world has benefited when our best friend’s is an amazing surgeon, she’s a doctor. And I remember that whole going through that whole journey with her. But I think that also what happens is we didn’t go okay, but at what cost did that come? Because we basically said, Hey, you can go do anything a man can do and you can go shift into that energy and go to work and get degrees and do whatever you want to do. But what happened to is we stayed overly focused with women in that masculine energy and sort of that feminine energy, like, got out of balance.

Lesley Logan 22:45
And also it sounded like we didn’t invite men to like, by the way, you could also embody your feminine energy and like, look at all like, obviously, like, I’m like trying to picture like my parents generation actually, like talking about energies. And like, I feel like it’s a privileged conversation, because I feel like if yes, don’t have food on the table, then like, yeah, does it really matter?

Kelli Adame 23:07
What’s primal survival? I mean, whether you’re a single or in a relationship, and marriage and family, like it’s like Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, you have to have a roof over your head, you have to have food, you have to have practical thing. But I think that you know what I mean by that, you know, specifically is that and it is you’re you’re right, because I was blessed to not have to worry about financial means growing up, right. But I did, I felt emotionally neglected, like I there was, I was like, it was like your feelings? No, no, no motions, quit crying. We’re not doing that. Get it together, go do what you got to do. Go to your grind.

Lesley Logan 23:47
When I actually think that that was like, you know, those emotional, those emotions. We were told, like, Don’t be emotional. You can’t be hysterical. Oh my god. So like, society, whether it’s at home or at school, and then heaven forbid, you finally got the job. And you’re so lucky to be born a year you’re born because now you can have this job. But don’t you dare cry at that job, and don’t actually show too many emotions. And if you’re too nice, people will walk all over you. So like, yeah, I read all these

Kelli Adame 24:15
Mixed messages. Yeah. How am I was supposed to untangle that. Yeah. And you know, and this is what this is why it was so fascinating. My journey, right? Because I look at my mom and her peers. And, you know, my grandmother was a stay at home mom in the 1950s. And my mom was like, Yeah, I’m gonna make my own money and be able to have my own choices and, and good for her and she had to battle men that were trying to sleep with her and people that thought we didn’t want to give her credit. She was a woman and all those things that I love and honor respect my mom for, but she was sort of overcompensating for what was happening. What she saw happened with her mom. And so her my godmother, her best friends, they were all like, you know, power suits, like crushing it, and they would say to me, get an education go travel Europe, do you don’t even think about getting married until you’re in your 30s You have plenty of time, right? And I believe them with why wouldn’t I? But that turned out not to really be the truth for me. And I think true for a lot of women because I work with them. So I have all these women. And this was partly my journey, where we went out and did all those things, and attained our independence. And I know that I could be self-sufficient. I’m educated all these things. And there was a part of me that like, but gosh, I would really love to find love and to find, like my partner and to build a life together and have some babies and have it like, I’d like to have it. All right, you see, I can have it all. But nobody was showing me how to do this other high like, oh, well, it’s just gonna happen.

Lesley Logan 25:40
Oh, yeah, no, it doesn’t.

Kelli Adame 25:42
That’s not the world we live in anymore. Yeah, it’s a different. So I’m also very clear with women, I’m like, Look, you can have it all you can have a career and you can, like, bust out that masculine energy in those ways. But you just if you also, PS want a loving, successful relationship, if you want to be equally successful in this area of your life, or you want to have babies or you want to have a family, you have to be intentional about that you a have to have some clarity, don’t think it’s just going to fall into your lap. Right? Because the social norms and the dating and you know, courting norms of like, our grandparents’ generation is not where we are anymore. Men can order sex like pizza. Women can be financially independent, right? It’s a choice now. But you have to really be intentional, if that’s what you want to create. And does that make sense?

Lesley Logan 26:27
Oh, and it makes so much sense. Because I have many, many of the female clients I had, they are all able to support themselves, and they have their own homes, and they can do their own IVF treatments, and they would love to have love. And there’s a little bit resentment because they feel like they were kind of duped by society telling them like go for the job, get the thing and then you can always find love later. And yes, and I think like, Yes, I don’t think it was wrong for them to go for the job. I think that that is I want to be very clear, because like, I guess it’s really important that women have the ability to be independent.

Lesley Logan 27:00
If we’re not going and it’s not an order, yes.

Lesley Logan 27:02
And,and but also it doesn’t have any. So it’s a binary. It’s not like, Okay, I go for the job. And then I can become feminine. And I get the man it’s like, or the woman or whoever you want to get Yeah. But like yeah, like,

Lesley Logan 27:14
All of us are not actually being taught how to be in our feminine. It sounds like the we. It seems like so natural to be a female. So you just have feminine energy. And actually, like, as you have said, both parties, I mean, we have both, so we need both. But no one’s teaching that everyone’s teaching us how to be in masculine and go go go and no one’s actually saying how to be still and like, feel your emotions and feel your feelings? And, and so it doesn’t really matter how much time or money you have if you don’t have to be in that space. So I guess I have because like, I’m sure you have like 17 hours of of like trainings on this. And it’s not as simple as like a light switch of like, but how do we become more in our feminine energy, like how we invite not only ourselves as a female listeners listen to this, but like, also the partners like my husband, listen to this episode, and we’re gonna talk about you.

Lesley Logan 28:06
I think he feels his feelings sometimes way more than I do. Like, sometimes, like, I can just watch him like being in the moment and feel the energies and like, share his feelings. And I’m like, wow, how did you just do that?

Kelli Adame 28:21
Yeah, totally. Well, you know, it’s interesting, because, look, same thing. And like I have, I think I think I have high masculine and feminine energy. And I think so does my husband. So he’s very emotionally intelligent. So he can be really in touch with his emotions. And he’s hyper rational. And he’s like a thinker. And he’s, you know, he’s a civil engineer. And he’s also a pastor. So he’s like, a, right, he’s crazy. And he’s his, his journey has been pretty amazing in its own right, because he had his own masculine journey of healing of where he had to go through as a man. And so I think you can also talk about this with us talking about, you know, I think what men go through too. And by the way, like, you know, this, a lot, all of this can apply to same sex relationships. It’s just that most of the women I work with, and most of what my experience has been, is working with people who are like, looking for opposite. So that’s the only reason I’m using that language. But um, so basically, it’s like, again, there’s so there’s four of you no matter what. Yeah, right. Your, your masking moment has nothing. And there’s a spectrum, right, like for everybody, and technically you want the polarity to create because basically, it’s like, did you ever in like Junior High science class, take them two magnets. And if they had the same electro magnetic polarity, and you brought them close to each other, and they were the same charge, like you couldn’t force them together, they would repel. Right? But if one was negatively charged, one was positive charge, you could bring them together or they would just, it’s the same thing if we are made of energy and the way that we show up in the world like there is something to that polarity, and we can choose it at any given moment to some degree, so the idea is, in your, when you’re working you’re masculine period, people are not paying you for your feelings. They’re paying for your, they’re paying for your competency and your production and your brilliance and all that. But in your romantic relationships, you have to sort of decide how you what you want to experience and how you want to embody that, right. And I think part of what part of that is, you know, you get to negotiate it within each relationship. But in general, I tell people, you want to choose a primary position, you can switch lanes, you can put the blinker on and switch lanes, right. So my husband can talk to me about his feelings, and I can talk to him about my thoughts and my ideas. But I we don’t we don’t signal conflict with each other by competing for the same position at any given moment. Does that make sense?

Lesley Logan 30:52
You know, that is so interesting, because I have, like, I’ll notice, like, if I’m going through something, if my husband is also going through something, and it doesn’t feel like we can actually solve the problem. But if exactly, if he’s going through something, and I can like stand firm, then he can feel his feelings go through that. Yeah. And then, and then vice versa. So it’s almost like, Am I making sense of what you’re saying?

Kelli Adame 31:18
Yeah, it’s totally, because you can kind of yield to support one another where you are when you are? Yeah, of course. But if you’re both trying to get the exact same needs met all the time, you’re going to neutralize chemistry, you’re going to invite conflict, you’re going to, you know, like repel each other. Yeah. And not really know why.

Lesley Logan 31:36
It’s kind of like what I think like, I remember hearing someone say like, a marriage is never 5050 It’s like, 9010 it’s like someone’s saying the 90 and someone’s gonna attend the important thing is a switch places and like someone how that happens. And Brene Brown, you know, said in one interview, she said, like, you know, if I’m not doing well, my husband can pick up more of a slasher and vice versa. But if we’re both going, Hey, today, I’m at 40%. We’re both of 40%. Like, neither one of us can help the other one, then what are we going to what are we gonna let go up? What are we gonna do? Because we got to, we’re, if we both can’t be down, otherwise, there’s gonna be more conflict, and everything’s gonna fall apart. And I feel like that’s what you’re saying. And that’s like, My, how my brain is kind of interpreting?

Kelli Adame 32:17
Yeah, yeah, well, it’s a balance, too, because it’s like, there’s three things you really need to like, you know, have to have a successful long term, monogamous relationship, you have to have chemistry, it’s either there or it isn’t right. Otherwise, your friends, you gotta have compatibility, which means that you essentially, in the in like the big rocks, you want the same things. Like if one of you wants 10 kids, and one of you wants no kids, all other things being great. That’s a deal breaker, right? If one of you wants to, like, live in an RV and travel over the world, and somebody wants to, like live in San Diego and never move, like, potential deal breaker, right? So and nobody’s wrong for what they want. But that’s just a matter of like, you can’t be incompatible and then be resentful, because somebody’s not doing what you want to do. Those are things you have to be clear about. So chemistry, compatibility, and, and communication. And in my experience, most people need help with communication. I haven’t met anybody that right. So there’s a lot of work I do around communication. And part of that is like understanding what are my needs? And how do I communicate lovingly and respectfully to get those needs potentially met? And it’s not a demand. It’s not a command, but it’s also not self-abandonment. I’m also not going to just not say anything, but part of that is this goes into the feminine energy. How do I know what I need? Well, as particularly, it’s true for all people, but as a woman, I would say, What am I actually feeling? Step one. And then you have to sort of like acknowledge that it’s okay to feel that feelings, by definition are irrational, but they are just as valuable as rational thoughts in the human experience. So you can’t just be like, ah, emotions are like lame. I’m not going to feel them. Because you can repress them. You can act out over them, you can have addictions to numb them out, but they will at some point come for a reckoning, if that makes sense. Yeah, that’s what people get in bed, some people get into, you know, you know, will they will get into like therapy with me, or counseling or work through something and then be like, why that was, like, 20 years ago, I thought I was over that. But it’s like, right there. And like, Yeah, cuz it never got integrated, you have actually never honored it and allowed it, you know, the place to get expressed and honored and neutralized, in order to really move beyond it. And so those things are sitting under the surface and driving a lot of our behavior, right. So the idea is, for me to be authentically integrated in my own masculine feminine energy. I know I know what I think know what I want, but also what am I feeling? And what do I don’t want? Like what doesn’t feel good to? Instead of like, just thinking through that lens of what do I want? What do I think I need but to take a minute and check in with yourself and learn how to lean in to go like what would feel good to me. So I tell women like is a good practice like don’t do Do something, ask yourself, Does this feel good to me? And if it doesn’t, the answer’s no, thank you. We’re also so conditioned to say yes, and to just do it. But then we can be resentful about that, then we can be passive aggressive about that, then we can feel like, well, you owe me because I did this. No, you weren’t, you weren’t clear with you first. Does that make sense? That’s the whole thing. To be in healthy relationship, you have to be able to take personal responsibility for your behavior, your actions, your words, but you also have to know what you’re feeling. And that’s a that’s a lot of what a lot of women have to learn like, Okay, well, what am I really, I just had a session earlier today, which is like, gosh, it’s like, so hard, because I was so conditioned to just, like, get depressed with my feelings, or just avoid my feelings, or just get busy, you know, and now here I am, my father’s died. I’m like having this, you know, all this emotional stuff come up, and I have no idea how to deal with my emotions. And there’s this backlog of years of stuff that I haven’t, you know, worked through. So, you know, it’s it’s emotional intelligence, like, what am I feeling? And women in our physiology, we need to feel good in order to do good. Yeah, male physiology is opposite. They need to do good in order to feel good. So like, for my husband, he wants to do things to feel like he’s winning, or he’s accomplishing a task, or he’s doing something that makes me feel good. Right? Then he feels like he’s winning. I need to feel good, in order to go do good. So this is the other challenge. And problem with us being over functioning and masculine energy as women in our culture, is that I’m doing doing doing doing. And I’m doing good, but I’m not feeling good. Like your body can take the hits in your 20s in your 30s. Yeah. But you start to get older, because I’ve worked with women and all those generations. It’s like, your body’s like, I, I can’t keep taking the hits. Like you’re gonna have to deal with some of this stuff. Does that make sense? Yeah.

Lesley Logan 36:59
Yeah, it does. I feel like, I really wish I had taken advantage of my 20s and 30s mark, because I feel great at 40. I know I look right for 40. But sometimes I’m like, Who’s that feels different? I actually am not recovering well, from that. I don’t just take recover from that. Okay. noted.

Kelli Adame 37:21
Oh, my gosh, I know, I’m like I literally just had to start wearing reading glasses. I was like, what is happening?

Lesley Logan 37:26
Like, this is crazy. I should have read my books when I was younger.

Kelli Adame 37:32
But you know, it’s like, you know, you love yourself where you are. And I think your 40s is an amazing place to be I’m with you in that. So it’s, you know, but I think it’s just it’s one of those things where us, we have to learn to have create the space, maybe that we were never given, right? This is where like, a lot of times in therapy, you’re going through a re parenting process, you’re giving yourself the things maybe that you weren’t given. And maybe your parents didn’t get with you because nobody gave it to them. You know, I’m, I’m of the belief like everybody’s doing the best they can. And it’s not that we want to blame, you know, our, our parents and our childhoods for everything. But we do want to understand the cause and effect. Why do I operate the way I operate today? Why do I do what I do? And a lot of times we don’t even know what that is, unless we’re working with someone else that can help us in that process. A lot of stuff sits in the shadow we don’t.

Lesley Logan 38:23
Yeah, I totally understand. Like, I mean, my, like, people have like, asked, like my husband, I like, Oh, I’m gonna have children. And I said, Well, no, but you’d understand when I met my husband. I was five years, five years younger than my grandmother was when I was born. So in my upbringing, I was big on parents age. Yeah.

Lesley Logan 38:46
Oh, yeah. I’m like, and so I like so I understand that like, medically and the way the world is, I could have but like, that’s just not the way that my brain saw it. And also, then, like being able to look at like, what it was like to grow up having a mom who was super young with a grandmother who is super young, and then how they were parented. It’s like, of course, I, of course, this is how I see the world a little differently, because they all do the best I can how best can a 16 year old raise child like let’s just be really completely honest.

Lesley Logan 39:18
Totally. And then how best can a 21 year old raise a child who were in a world where at the time, they just did not even know what postpartum depression was. So there’s just a lot that we’re all working through. And I think what’s really cool is we live in a world now where there’s a lot more information. And also we are we are in a, at least for those of us who are in the States or in Western societies, we are in a safe place to be able to lean into our masculine and get worked on and make a living for ourselves and make choices but also, we owe it to ourselves and like the people around us and the next generation if you are a parent to explore this other side so that they can have an even better opportunity. Like maybe they can actually enter the world with both and owning both. and like, feeling their feelings, you know?

Kelli Adame 40:02
Yeah. Yeah. Well, this is kind of I feel like, it’s almost like helping. We have like the masculine energy down as women. It’s like reclaiming the feminine and fully integrating. So sometimes I might or like, I had a woman recently that was teaching in a mastermind and she was like, she’s like, Kelly, I just got it. She was like, I literally just got it. She was like, you I was like that she’s like, the what did she say? She said something like, you know, the, like the she’s the angry feminist. But she said, like, the feminist part of me was just like struggling with what you were saying, like, I don’t, you know, and she was like, and then I got it. And I was like, No, you’re the prize. Like, it’s about loving yourself first, and valuing yourself and teaching and inviting a man in his mat into his masculine energy in a way where he will want to pursue you cherish you protect you love you in a way that puts your feelings about his feelings when it matters. And there’s a way that that allows you to feel safe and feel loved in a way that you’ve never felt before. And that that was her whole thing. I’ve never felt the strength and the safety of a man who loved me, I either it was with men and watch men take advantage of my mom and my grandfather, or I was married to a narcissist. Like I have no idea what it looks like to have good, healthy, masculine energy. So I think there’s multiple reasons why we function and masculine energy. And that’s another one we haven’t even talked about. Some of it’s the conditioning. And some of its like our culture. And some of it is also like, it’s the way we protect ourselves. Yeah, right. Like, if I, if I’m the one giving and leading and initiating and planning and doing everything, there’s a sense of control for me, and I get to feel safe in that. So if I’m, you want me to feel vulnerable, and you want me to share my feelings, and you want me to ask, you know, and allow a man to lead and receive from him like, That’s too scary.

Lesley Logan 41:50
I can’t, but also, it sounds like, you have to be around a man who has good awareness about both his masculine and feminine energies as well, because otherwise, he can’t just be all in his masculine, that’s not going to make you feel safe to be in your feminine, like, they have to be able to understand those things as well. And I think it also good masculine energy, which you just like said, like, it’s not just about them being masculine, it’s about them. Yeah, making you feel safe, and putting your feelings above them.

Kelli Adame 42:19
Just to clarify, right, because there’s a lot of like, this is where we get, like, you know, like, there’s masculinity, and there’s toxic masculinity, and there’s all it is like, I’m just talking about the principle of what healthy masculine energy looks like, embodied in a man it looks like a man who will lead provide protect, cherish women children in the planet, because he has he gets purpose from doing that. Does that make sense? Yeah. So like, you know, I like to say, in a generalized way, when when women get married, they give up like total independence, because you can’t be a partnership and be completely independent, right, you have to die to something. So women, we died to some of that hyper independence and say, and men die to that like irresponsibility, the selfishness of like putting myself first and doing whatever I want to do. So there’s something that’s different. And there’s, there’s a difference, there’s a difference in and I’ve worked with a lot of men, and I’ve worked with men that because the other the other thing that’s happened is that when when, when women over function and masculine energy, you’re going, what happens with men is you’re either going to in, you’re either going to evoke conflict with them. So if they’re trying to hold their masculine energy in a healthy way, but you’re challenging that masculine energy with yours, what are they going to do? Right, so it’s sort of like, if you think you’re sick, you’re drawing your sword. You don’t even know you’re doing it. Most of the time, you don’t even realize no,

Lesley Logan 43:45
It’s part of a natural behaviors that you’re doing, or Yes.

Kelli Adame 43:49
And it’s what you kind of learned to survive and what’s gotten you as far as you’ve gotten in a lot of ways in your life. So the idea is like, laying down that sword and learning how to also respect and trust, his energy, and his energy is about pursuing and cherishing and loving your feelings above his own. If you’re with a man who consistently wants you to cherish his feelings above yours, that’s going to be a painful place for you at some point. That doesn’t mean there aren’t moments where my husband respects my thoughts and ideas, and I don’t, you know, support his feelings. But that’s, I’m talking in a primary way. If and I’ve been with men like that, where I was like, giving and nurturing and loving and sharing all how amazing I was hoping he was going to choose to me and he was like, This is great. He’s taken it, but he was I was feeding into that selfish nature nature. Yeah, I was over feet. I was over-giving in a way that made him more passive. And what happened was you I ended up in like a parent child dynamic where I was mama given all this greatness, you know, money, time, body energy, and he was like, Oh, this feels good. This feels good. I’m gonna take all this amazingness from her, but there was no part of him And that valued me appropriately and felt like he had to earn access to have me because I gave him everything hoping he was just gonna value and choose me.

Lesley Logan 45:09
Yeah, it’s such a balance. It’s such an interesting thing because and I love that you brought up like what a healthy version of that looks like because they’re loving. They’re letting go of being irresponsible and like, it’s all about me and doing whatever I want. And they’re like, actually, their purpose is to protect the family. The house the planet.

Kelli Adame 45:29
Yeah, children. Yes. Yes. As opposed to being selfish. Peter Pan.

Lesley Logan 45:34
Yes. Yes. Oh, this is very good. Okay. I mean, my goodness, I feel like we’ve not even like scratch this.

Lesley Logan 45:40
And it’s because, listen, if Peter Pan has a lot of fun, we’ve all been with a Peter Pan. Yeah, he’s a great playmate. But he doesn’t want to grow up. Yeah. And he doesn’t make a great life partner, you end up having to carry a lot of the load, and you will eventually feel resentful,

Lesley Logan 45:55
and you’re in your masculine.

Kelli Adame 45:58
That’s what I’m saying. So if you’re over giving, so that’s the other thing masculine energy gives first, feminine energy gives back once it’s been given to you. So it’s still a dance,

Lesley Logan 46:11
Everyone. Did you hear that? I feel like that was something my dad told me. Give it up.

Kelli Adame 46:17
It’s not a sexual. But do you get what I’m saying? I do. I did. I do. I did. It’s so funny. I think I did this on Danny Danny Digs podcast in the Injil, the best life podcast because we were talking about how I had spoken at a relationship conference with like, 3000 people. And I like, you know, made a gesture like this. And I was like, what? Like, it made everybody do this. And they were like, what? I know you just made a penis. What’s it doing? You know, it’s giving. Okay, like this? Yeah, okay, he’s made a vagina wasn’t doing. And they’re like it’s receiving and like, it’s not doing anything. It’s waiting to receive. Oh, yeah, there’s a beautiful metaphor and that the other I like, I also love the metaphor, like, I don’t know, if you dance or if you like partner dancing like ballroom, I’m a big Latin dancer. So like I dance salsa dancing for years was just so extraordinary for me, healing in a lot of ways, but it’s a really beautiful any kind of partner dancing, that you watch that you see, that’s just amazing. When you watch a couple do that. And if you’ve done it, you know what it feels like? It only works because one person is leading and the other person in that moment is following. If you like when I first started dancing, I would do what’s called back leading, and I would get yelled at by my instructor. So I would start to dance. And I would start leading. And it’s like, he’s you’re fighting me, like I’m trying to you gotta follow me. And I was like, I, I It’s like instinctual for me to lead. And so I had to learn how to trust and follow and not know what was happening. And as I learned how to surrender into that, it was magical, right? And so it’s a very, it’s a very similar, it’s like, it’s a beautiful metaphor for like that dance, because this is what it is. It’s a dance of masculine and feminine energy, like giving and giving back, and respecting and appreciating and loving and cherishing. And does that make sense?

Lesley Logan 48:15
There’s like the, you describe this dance, because it’s not like a light switch, we’re not like, and I’m turning off the masculine and I’m turning on the feminine, like the lights, you know, like,

Lesley Logan 48:25
It’s, yeah, it’s a it’s a dance. It’s an ebb and flow. And it sounds like we have half of every person has to be present in their body to really able to understand what is needed when they’re in a relationship versus like, when they’re at work versus like, when they’re on their own. Like, if you’re single listening to this, like, you know, I’m like, what a great place to play with, like getting into your feminine now before like, you end up in a relationship. And then you’re trying out this thing.

Lesley Logan 48:54
Women when we date in that from that place, you’re gonna gravitate toward men who are sitting more and like and negative feminine energy, they’re passive. They don’t want to commit, they’re Peter Pan, they could be a con man, that could be a narcissist. They could be all of that makes sense. I listen to all those podcasts for those who have been combative people and you always hear they’re like, super, like they run their own business. They’re doing all the things they’re like, so you know, like they’re and you’re like, how did that happen to them? Oh, interesting.

Kelli Adame 49:22
Yes. So part of being embodied in feminine energy is saying no, to what doesn’t feel good. And to having clear boundaries, and to learning how to vet out other people in the sense of you’re dating men learning as a lot of what I teach, like, how do I distinguish a good man from a bad man? How do I distinguish with healthy masculinity and with selfish little boy and like nobody? And again, sometimes, again, going back to the family blueprint, sometimes we subconsciously map to things right. So I have a father who I deeply love and I always loved and wanted, I think his approval a lot in my life. But he was a fireman, and he was Hispanic. And so he was very emotionally unavailable to me. Does that make sense? So then I would date men who were great and charismatic and handsome and just like my dad. But then after a while, like, Oh, you’re emotionally unavailable, I’m I must be home. Right? Like, Oh, right. And so this is what happens. But nobody goes out. I wasn’t out hunting for like, I wasn’t looking for, you know, are you emotionally available? Okay, want to date you? You know, it was like, right? You don’t it’s never in the beginning at everybody. You’re dating there, you know, PR department, you in the beginning, you’re dating, so they want you to see, and it takes time to discern, but a lot of us are so first of all, we’re like dopamine addicts, because of technology in our phones. We want instant gratification. So delayed gratification and patience to like vet people out like we’re not as great at So something we got to kind of be careful about. Yeah. Does that make sense? Oh, yeah. And if you, if you sleep with somebody right away, it’s for a woman in particular, you’ll bond to him through oxytocin in a way that you can’t see him clearly. So now you have oxytocin bubble going.

Lesley Logan 51:02
I have to tell you how i i have to tell you how I like worked my way around this. So because I’d read like, like A Lady Think Like a Man kind of book. Yeah. And like, my friend read it. He’s like, he’s, like, I’m sure he’s a narcissist. But like, it doesn’t matter. It worked. So here’s the thing, because it said, like, Don’t give out the benefits before 90 days. If I work for for I have to wait 90 days. And that’s like 90 days, like, I don’t know, I want to be with someone 90 days. But if it does, it’s not good. So anyways, when I met my husband, he was going through divorce at the time, don’t worry, everyone should not in the picture papers were filed like it was. So it was clean and clear. And I was only five months out of like a relationship of five years, it did not go well. And so like neither one of us are really able to date but he was hot. He was like, Hey, you want to get to here? And it’s like, you know what, he is not dateable right now, so I will go home with him. But I’m not gonna give him my phone number because then I’m not going to worry about him calling me and I don’t have to, I’m gonna, like, block all that I’m not gonna get attached. And then he’ll find me when it’s time and then we’ll date and that’s exactly why

Kelli Adame 52:05
I love it. Let’s see, what’s crazy about that is you still activated his, like hunting nature for lack of a phone number. And he though there was a scarcity piece of Lady fi. And so this is the thing about men too. They fall in love with women when they’re away from them. Oh, so women don’t women think like I need to be right on top of him. So he doesn’t like find another girl like no, he you need to value yourself enough to do exactly what you did. And be like, if you want me, you can come find me. Because I also need to see that you’re willing to pay the price. It’s sort of like this. I tell him all the time. It’s like, you know, if you’re a $200,000 Bharati, right. And there’s a man who’s like, Oh, that’s my dream car. Oh, my gosh, he goes to the car lot. He’s like, I want this car. And he asked the salesman, like, how much is it like $200,000? He’s like, I don’t have that. Like, will you take 50,000? No, you can like Honda dealerships down the road. Like I know. Right? Yeah. It’s like, hard. No, what happens is, you are too and $1,000 monitor. I was ready. But you let a man drove it around for a few years for free hoping he’s going to pay full price. Yeah, no. It’s human nature that we will always value something that we’ve had to work to achieve. Yeah, I have a medal from running a marathon. And it’s one of like my, you know, kind of prize but because I liked it one girl, I was like,

Lesley Logan 53:22
I just did a half and then I’m like running anymore.

Kelli Adame 53:27
It’s like, if I so I love this metal. Because it reminds me of the whole journey of what I went through in order to achieve that goal. It’s a symbol of that. It’s not. If I if somebody had given that to me, and I hadn’t run the marathon, I’d be like, I don’t need this like thrift store. Like, what am I going to do with it? Yeah. Do you get what I’m saying?

Lesley Logan 53:45
I do so and I’m just like, loving. I love that story. I feel so validated because he did he like, emailed me the next week, like on Facebook. And he’s like, how do I know your number? And I was like, Well, I know how you didn’t, didn’t give it to you. And then like, and then we we didn’t date. And in fact, I have like my friend was like, You should invite him to your birthday party. Like I don’t text him. He can text me. And she was like, Lesley.

Kelli Adame 54:08
You let him get lead initiate first. Yeah.

Lesley Logan 54:11
So I was like, I was like, she’s like, You should invite him. So I was like, I don’t I know. I’ve said, I know people don’t check their Facebook events. So here is what’s happening. Don’t tell me you’re coming to just show up. Like, I don’t want to, like what it’s a surprise for me. And like, but like we did that. And then like, it didn’t work out. But I didn’t text him. And then we finally got together. He had texted me about somebody who was struggling to yoga. And my trainer said, if you want to date this guy, don’t teach him how to do that. Because he was certain within yoga. He’s like, I know you’re applying the doctor. Do not teach him how to do that thing now. And I was like, Oh, thank you for letting me know. And so I said, Hey, do you want to just go to a yoga class together like so I would not be the teacher of the backbends to have your president playing never texted him and when we like was June so we’d like nine months after we met. We were like starting hanging out more. And then he decided to break up with me. We were not technically dating everyone. I was dating other people. Because I was like, Well, one way that I won’t be attached to anybody. I’ll just do some more people.

Lesley Logan 55:15
Yes. Yes. Okay, we’re gonna have to have all dating episode. But I. So he’s like, he said, I don’t want to I want to make sure I’m not leading you on. And then he proceeded to tell me everything he liked about me for two hours. One of them is you don’t text me. You don’t call me. You don’t bother me. Like, I have to like call you and I was like, you are like me too much. And it’s, it’s scaring you a little bit.

Kelli Adame 55:39
Anyway, we ended up getting together. Because when he when men fall, and this is the thing about men too, they usually only really fall in love, a few times in their life. Because when men really give their heart they give it all the way my old mentor used to say you’ll never in the world find a man who’s strong, you’ll never find what did she say? Like you’ll never in the world find a man who’s tougher on the outside than a woman is on the inside. And you’ll never find a woman who’s like softer, softer on the inside than a man is on the inside. Like there’s a tenderness again, that’s the audio on the on a mess in this the math Yeah, and peace and in its own way. So when men really choose you, because you think they’re by nature, they’re polygamous, like in their, you know, evolutionary biology. So when they are going to give up all other vaginas for the rest of their life for you. Like they have to value you in a way that is, yeah, extraordinary.

Lesley Logan 56:35
As you should be. Yeah. And also it also it does and also like, and I have to wrap this up, because I know I know people are driving and they’re like Leslie, you never go this long. I know. We’re gonna have Kelly back. We’re gonna do a whole

Lesley Logan 56:45
Love your marriage episode.

Lesley Logan 56:47
I don’t know, we’ll have to have her back, or continuous conversation. But like, whatever you want, I guess like, I guess maybe this can be what we talked about in the Be It action was in a moment. But like, it sounds to me like as women, we’re just not valuing our feminine energy enough. And we tend to see it as like this thing over there that like could embarrass us at any time because we could like break down crying as opposed to like, as opposed to it being this like superpower that like what a cool world that actually like, we always could break the glass ceiling. We live in a world that didn’t want us to, but we always had the abilities. And I think that’s why they didn’t let us write we we forgot to bring this incredible superpower that we have. So naturally. And so yes. So we’re gonna take a brief break. And then I’m wondering if we can for the beat actions talk a little bit how we could like value and own that feminine energy level more. Alright, Kelly, where can people find you follow your work with you? And then we’ll get to those beat accidents?

Kelli Adame 57:47
Yeah, I just want to say really quickly, based on what you just said is that the masculine energy is direct. feminine energy is indirect. And it’s equally powerful. But it’s a different way. It’s a different mode. That makes sense. Yeah. So and I teach all of it. Well, all of it as much as I’m able to. So I you can find me at love bravely. academy.com. So I’m literally launching a brand new academy that’s basically for high achieving women who are navigating the journey from single dating to successfully married if you’re anywhere in that journey, and you want support and insight kind of around a lot of the things we’re talking about. That’s my whole jam.

Lesley Logan 58:29
Cool. I love that. Yes.

Kelli Adame 58:31
Yeah.

Lesley Logan 58:31
We’ll put them in the notes. Ladies, I hope you sign up.

Kelli Adame 58:36
Me too. I have a waitlist right now. It’s exciting. That’s it, though. It was. Yeah, it started September, early September. So yeah, so that’s kind of where everything is moving now for me is to be able to help more people in that, you know, in that way. And a lot of equipping a lot of teachings so that you can integrate it yourself, whether you’re in therapy with somebody else or coaching or if you you know work with me one on one. My practices for right now have a waitlist for that too. But it’s you know, I just My heart is I want to help give as much information as I can that can be transformational, and I’ve seen it hundreds of times with my own clients and with my own life so it’s just a pleasure to talk about it and so fun to be with you today, Lesley.

Lesley Logan 59:19
I know I’m loving this This is so fun. Brad’s going to talk all you want me to give you this but we need to how do we like what’s that like bold X we’ll intrinsic targets stuff, which is also very masculine to me right now. But the bold part and the intrinsic part I think could be very feminine. So what are

Kelli Adame 59:37
totally what are the things what are the things I was like? Oh my gosh, I don’t even like we this down but so i i put a few together for you. So one is in your romantic relationships. Decide primarily which energy you want to sit in. Do you want to primarily sit in the feminine energy? Or do you want to primarily sit in the masculine energy you can have either, but you’re gonna they’d be looking for the complement of that. And in my experience, 90% of the women I work with prefer to sit in the feminine energy in their personal and romantic relationships. Does that make sense? But it’s a personal choice. So that to say, one of the one of the ways you can kind of questions that I think is really helpful in figuring this out is to say, is it more important for me to say like, Kelly, well, I want both, okay? Of course, we all do, right? But you can’t have both equally. Because that’s healthy narcissism, and you should stay single. Right? Like if you want, if you want your emotions. So like, if you want your feelings cherished, and you want your thoughts respected, then what your partner, was your partner gonna get? Right? So ask yourself, was it more important for you in your, in your romantic relationships to have your feelings cherished by your partner or to have your thoughts respected by your partner? You can have both but you need like a tipping point. Yeah, just you just need 51%

Lesley Logan 1:01:08
Yeah, that makes sense. So then you can not be the I’m always like, am I a narcissist? That’s probably means I’m not a narcissist. But you know, like, so. Don’t ask that question. Like either question could be a codependent.

Kelli Adame 1:01:19
But you’re probably not a narcissist.

Lesley Logan 1:01:21
Yeah, I’m always like, I’m like And then what step what level it is make this a call, like, you know, so these are the questions that I filter things through. Am I a narcissist is a co leader. And also,

Kelli Adame 1:01:31
I do a lot of teaching around narcissism, codependency, addiction, trauma. I call them the big four deep dives around that and the Academy, because there’s all the phases of relationship how to navigate. So the second thing I said, yeah, yeah,

Lesley Logan 1:01:44
so you so just to clarify, so we’re gonna ask yourself, like which one we want to like living more in a relationship?

Kelli Adame 1:01:50
In just in your you can be masculine all day, balls to the wall, go get it? In your romantic life? Is it more important for you to have a partner cherish your feelings? Or respect your thinking?

Lesley Logan 1:02:04
Yeah. And also it sounds like above theirs? Yeah. And it also sounds like, if we want to respect our thinking, then we then have to cherish their feelings. So just like I want them as my my thinking, you also then have to raise primarily. Yeah.

Kelli Adame 1:02:23
And are you do you want to lead and initiate most and give more and to start right and be given back to like, so that’s the dance, right? And then the other thing is just learn how to identify on air and regulate your own emotions, your own feelings, they’re just as valuable as your rational thoughts. And one of the ways to do that is just to ask yourself, even as bait Does that feel good to me? And that’s a good starting point. Like, I’m always like, what are you feeling? Learn? You know, those little like, emoji charts. I’ve shown kindergarten about your emotions, like, sad, I’m angry and frustrated. I’m lonely. I’m like, literally, sometimes I give those. Like, which one are you feeling? Yeah, you know, it’s like, so you want to be able to try to identify what am I actually feeling? You don’t always have to understand why or where it comes from. You just need to name the feeling so that you don’t repress it, and you don’t pretend it’s not there. You just like, Okay, I’m feeling really lonely right now. Okay. It’s okay, that I’m feeling lonely right now. And I don’t know why. And you just validate the feelings because feelings are valid, no matter what. They don’t have to rationally make sense, but just honor them. Don’t ruminate on them and don’t make all your decisions. Just how I’m feeling right? But, but honor your feelings. So what am I actually feeling? Validate the actual feeling? It’s okay to feel it. Then ask yourself given that I’m feeling this way. What action could I take? Or what can I ask someone? My partner to do or not do that could help me feel better? And then take that action. Does that make sense?

Lesley Logan 1:04:04
Yeah, yeah. Oh, I really.

Kelli Adame 1:04:08
So that’s, again, that’s the integration of your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions, and your body somatically. Like you’re honoring all of that. So it’s integrated. You’re not repressing and you’re not acting it out. You’re not projecting it. You’re like, what am I feeling valid? That I’m feeling it? Okay, thinking about that? Given that I’m feeling that way? What could I do to make myself feel better? What can I ask for? And it could be anything. Yeah, you know, like, it could be the smallest thing and it could be a big thing, but then do it and then repeat. Like I was feeling I came home the other day, and I was feeling really anxious. I don’t really know why because I don’t typically do that. My husband’s like, are you okay? With like, No, I’m not I’m not feeling I’m feeling really anxious. It’s strange. And he’s like, Well, what can I do to help you feel better? Because he’s well integrated. So what can I do to help you feel better and I was like, Thank you for asking. I was like actually going to do sounds like a big oxytocin hug. I just think I need help regulate my nervous system. He’s like, Yeah, so just Hold me for like two minutes. And, and that was it.

Lesley Logan 1:05:03
Yeah. I love that

Kelli Adame 1:05:07
For example.

Lesley Logan 1:05:08
I love that because like we had my electric doctor was on earlier this year. And she said, Whatever you’re feeling, try not to find a reason around it, because that’s just gonna create added stress. And you’ll probably you’re judging, you’re judging emotionally, and there’s your, like, more often than not going to create a reason. That was not the reason that made you feel that way. Like you’re feeling stressed at work. So you’re putting in the work, but it really it could have been the drive, and you’re blaming the job and suddenly find a new job, but you’re supposed to be your hormones.

Lesley Logan 1:05:35
Yeah, it could be your hormones that you’re highly empathic, and you’re picking up other people’s energy. Yeah.

Lesley Logan 1:05:39
So it’s like, just validate the feelings and then ask yourself like, what could I what, what do I need right now? Or what could someone do for me right now?

Kelli Adame 1:05:48
Like, what action? Can I take? Whatever, you’re asking yourself, what action can I take? Okay, that could help me feel better, because we’re trying to cheer as your feelings but we’re integrating it.

Lesley Logan 1:05:57
Yeah. Oh, my God. Do it again. We’re gonna do this again. So you know, send your questions. So we’re gonna do those again. Kelli, thank you for being here. Thank you so much for helping us kind of understand that like energies because I do think it can get confused with like, femininity and masculinity.

Kelli Adame 1:06:15
And I feel like we scratched the surface. Honestly, I guess how can we do have questions? It makes sense. There’s so much more to it. But

Lesley Logan 1:06:22
yeah, we’ve totally scratched the surface, we definitely have more to talk about. So like, take this in. Share this with your friend. Let us know your takeaways are. And until next time, be it till you see it.

Kelli Adame 1:06:34
Definitely.

Lesley Logan
That’s all I’ve got for this episode of the Be It Till You See It podcast. One thing that would help both myself and future listeners is for you to rate this show and leave a review. And, follow or subscribe for free wherever you listen to podcasts. Also, make sure to introduce yourself over on IG at the @be_it_pod on Instagram. I would love to know more about you. Share this episode with whoever you think needs to hear it. Help us help others to BE IT TILL YOU SEE IT. Have an awesome day!

Lesley Logan
‘Be It Till You See It’ is a production of the ‘Bloom Podcast Network’.

Brad Crowell
It’s written, filmed and recorded by your host, Lesley Logan and me, Brad Crowell.

Lesley Logan
It is produced and edited by the epic team at Disenyo.

Brad Crowell
Our theme music is by Ali at APEX Production Music. And our branding by designer and artist, Gianfranco Cioffi.

Lesley Logan
Special thanks to Melissa Solomon for creating our visuals and Ximena Velasquez for our transcriptions.

Brad Crowell
Also to Angelina Herico for adding all the content to our website. And finally to Meridith Crowell for keeping us all on point and on time.

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