Rising from Divorce
Ep. 217 with Renee Bauer
“Take the smallest little action forward in order to at least start the momentum.”
This episode delves into the inspiring journey of Renee Bauer, a renowned divorce attorney turned women’s empowerment advocate. It explores how Renee leverages her personal experiences and professional expertise to empower women to make decisions free from fear. Expect insights on reclaiming self-worth, understanding finances, and navigating life post-divorce.
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In this episode you will learn about:
- How Renee’s work shifted to women’s empowerment space.
- Overcoming divorce shame and embarrassment.
- How to make decisions that aren’t based on fears.
- How toxic relationships can bring out the worst version of ourselves.
- Showing up for yourself and finding a positive tribe of people.
- She Who Wins podcast and Renee’s upcoming book.
- How to take control of your money and be the CFO of your life.
- Renee Bauer Website and Podcast: https://msreneebauer.com/
- Renee Bauer Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/msreneebauer/
- Mentioned Amy Ledin’s Episode: https://lesleylogan.co/podcast/be-it-till-you-see-it/amy-ledin-how-to-take-fast-action-against-limiting-beliefs-ep-5/
- Mentioned Book Menopocalypse by Amanda Thebe: https://amandathebe.com/book/
Renee Bauer: If I ask a client, like, if this was your daughter’s relationship, what would you tell her? And they’ll say, well, I tell her to leave. Well, why is that not good enough for you? Like, why is it different for her? And guess what? She’s watching you. And if she’s, if she sees you not leaving and sees that maybe her dad or or her stepdad isn’t treating you right, like what does she take from that.
Welcome to the Be It Till You See It podcast where we talk about taking messy action, knowing that perfect is boring. I’m Lesley Logan, Pilates instructor and fitness business coach. I’ve trained thousands of people around the world and the number one thing I see stopping people from achieving anything is self doubt. My friends, action brings clarity and it’s the antidote to fear. Each week, my guests will bring Bold, Executable, Intrinsic and Targeted steps that you can use to put yourself first and Be It Till You See It. It’s a practice, not a perfect. Let’s get started.
All right. Loves, how are you? Welcome back to the Beat Till seat interview with an amazing guest. Um, I am so thrilled to have this one on. I’ve actually been on her podcast. She who wins and she’s such a powerhouse. And here’s what I know. I know that there are divine appointments and everything.
Like we, uh, we met by putting ourselves into a room and it was a very small in-person event that was going on. And there was this networking. Part that was supposed to happen and as an introvert that I was, I just wanted to hang up my friend Lauren and like just go have a drink. But the energy in the group was so good that we decided to stay for the networking part, which was like this, you sit and the one row of chairs in front of you just kept moving.
So you had like these two or three minutes per, per person to talk to. So it’s a little overwhelming for the introvert that I am. And there’s like 20 people that we met like within an hour. It was chaos and crazy. But when I, this woman sat down in front of me, first of all, I was so excited to finally meet her because I’d been hearing her amazing advice in the room and I was like, I gotta know this woman.
And then when she asked me for some help, I was like, Ugh. Cuz I had this like moment of like imposter syndrome. But like I just was like, this woman is so amazing, she’s so powerful. Like, and then she asked a question and I was like, oh, I have an answer to that. And it was so hilarious because she had actually just met.
The person I suggested that she connect with. However, um, it just goes to show that that person got double votes that she needs to connect with her. And also, um, never, never put yourself into a position where you actually are putting people up on pedestals when you haven’t actually met them. Because who you are is valuable and what you have to offer is very uniquely different than what the person you’re in front of has to offer.
And so together we can actually have these amazing, crazy moments where we come together and we’re stronger than we ever we’re on our own. And so we actually dive into this, uh, to that type of topic in this interview. So, Renee Bauer, she’s incredible. You’re gonna hear her story. You’re gonna hear who she is, what she does, what she’s up to next, which I think is really important cuz sometimes I think, um, when I bring on guests, you can just hear what they are at the top of their game, but also as they’re transitioning into another thing.
You know, she’s this powerful, amazing person, but she’s starting something new and there’s uncertainty there and there’s, there’s newness there. And so I’m, I’m really excited for hear. Tons of amazing advice and also hear from someone who is like changing what they’re up to these days and how that’s working for them.
And so it’s exciting and you’re gonna get a lot out of this. Let me know how you feel about this podcast by leaving us a review. Give us some stars. You can do that on Spotify, apple, or ever listen to podcasts. And here is Renee.
All right, be it babe. I am really thrilled finally, to bring this amazing woman on the Be It pod. I have met her, gosh, it’s probably almost six months ago now, uh, that we’re recording this, so maybe even longer by the time you hear this. But she was just such a powerhouse, and when I heard what she does for women and what she does on this planet, I was like, I have to have her on.
So Renee Bauer, thank you so much for being here. Can you tell everyone who you are and what
Renee Bauer: you rock at? Thank you, Leslie. I’m so pumped to be here. I am a divorce lawyer. I’ve been doing it for 20 years, but I noticed in that journey that the relationship was kind of a, was what happened after other things were going on in a woman’s life.
And really what was happening is women were struggling with issues of worthiness, of understanding money. Of understanding that they were capable of the love and the life and the job that they want. So my work has since shifted to more of this woman’s empowerment space of hosting live events and a podcast.
And I have a book coming out in 2023 all about that. So it’s, you know, the work is, is is part divorce. That’s what I, my trade is, but my love and purpose is really helping women just see what they’re capable of and what they can inspire
Lesley Logan: to. You know, okay. There’s so much to unpack and love there because, um, you could have, you could have definitely just stayed, like, just had that one thing just been like, just rocking one thing, amazing divorce attorney, but you saw that there’s another problem and like, if we could solve this problem, it might put you out of a job or it might actually help people.
Um, it will help women realize that no matter what happens in their relationship, they are an amazing person. That like, that, like that isn’t a reflection, uh, it doesn’t have a reflection of them and their worthiness.
Renee Bauer: Yeah. And you know, so, uh, what I saw over the years is that women who would come into my office and they would sit across from me and they would ask questions like, how do you know?
Or I would see them, Describe these really horrific, toxic relationships, or they knew that their relationship had come to completion because it was just fine and that wasn’t good enough. But they still didn’t make that decision to leave the relationship because they were scared. And a lot of times it was fear around money.
It was a lack of control of money. And I said, well, that’s, that’s the issue here. It. Is, it’s, it’s not that the relationship, it’s, you know, whether you stay or go, but it’s, they’re choosing, they know the relationship has come to completion, but they haven’t chose themselves yet because they’re so afraid.
And that’s the root of really what, what the work that I do and the problem that I saw and I hope to help people
Lesley Logan: work through. Oh yeah. I think, um, I can, I wasn’t married to the person I was with before Brad, but it was like that. And I remember driving on the freeway and like, In traffic and just like praying to God that like he would break us up because I really didn’t know how to break up and I also didn’t know what I would do once we were broken up.
Cuz I was like, I, I don’t have a place to live once we break all these things. Right. And, uh, living in la like there’s a really expensive leap to make. It’s like, oh, I’m gonna go from like having a house that I like paid f partially for, but not enough to like, pay for an apartment of any size. Size. And so, um, so I, I can relate to those women so much and I’ll, and I’ll never forget I had this client.
And, uh, she, she’s a woman of a, of a certain age and a certain amount of wealth from her previous. She married well the first time, and she’s asked me how it was going. I said, oh, it’s, it’s nice. And she said, honey wallpaper’s nice. And she said, look, you don’t have to marry for love the first time you can marry for money.
But do not just be in a nice relationship.
Renee Bauer: I love that. I, you know what? I had the same story of that you had of driving, I was driving in my minch green Volvo, s u v with the double videos on the headrest with, with my infant son in the backseat. And I had this moment where it was like, okay, now that I have my son, I have everything I need to be happy.
Like now I look back and I think of that thought. I was like, whoa. Like what? You know, girl, there, there’s some work to do there. But I stayed in that relationship for. Two years because I thought, well, my son would bring me happiness. Not the case yet for a minute, but you know, not long term. And I had just started my law firm.
I had maybe five clients I could count on one hand, you know, the number of people I represented. Rented and the money that was not flowing in, and I stayed partially because I was afraid of living on my own, having to support myself. I didn’t know how I was going to, even though I had a law degree, I was a lawyer.
I didn’t have that, that steady job because I was self-employed and I stayed. Yeah. And so I’ve like, I’ve been there, you know, and I see it so many times with women too, who feel so stuck because of a situation they find themselves in. But that doesn’t have to be the only situation. Like there are, there are things that they.
Can do in order to get out of that situation because being just fine. Am I ex He’s a great guy. He was a great dad. Like there was nothing wrong. It was, it was wallpaper,
Lesley Logan: right? I’m, it’s just, I’ve, I’ve never forgotten that entire, like conversation cuz I’m, when, whenever I have clients like, oh, it’s nice.
I’m like, wallpaper’s nice. Like, I’ll never forget that. Like, there’s gonna be moments where your relationship is like in different stages, but, um, just if the, if the high point is nice then, so I, I love that you have that story as well, because I think it makes it even easier for you to be relatable not only to your clients, but to the women that you’re trying to serve right now.
And what are some things that you did to kind of like ready yourself to leave him and also like to get yourself to the point where you’re like, I can teach other people how they’re worthy no matter what’s going on.
Renee Bauer: Yeah, so two, two different questions and answers, but one, getting ready to leave. I just got to the point where I was so unhappy and I had gone to a doctor, just a regular checkup, and the doctor was like, how are things going?
You’re a new mom. And I remember saying like, you know, doc, I’m not happy. And she was like, you want me to prescribe a prescription for you? And I was like, wait a second. I’m not depressed, I’m not happy. And there’s a difference. And that’s when I think everything started to fall into place. And it was like, you know what?
There’s nothing wrong with this relationship, but I can’t see myself li living a fulfilled life, staying in it and taking that leap and trusting that it was all going to work out. And I tell my clients that all the time. It’s sometimes you have to take the leap and let everything work itself out the way it will, even though you’re scared, even though you don’t know what the other side’s gonna look like, even though you don’t know where you’re gonna live.
Like you just have to decide, okay, I’m gonna take the smallest little action forward in order to at least start the momentum. And that’s what I did. It was like the smallest step. And it was like, all right, I file. I don’t know what’s gonna happen next. Okay, now I move out. Now I don’t know what’s gonna happen after that.
And it was like just kept taking little hard, uncomfortable, scary action. Friends, and you know, I’m not gonna sugarcoat it. That year was hard. Like it was, it was, I was my, the worst version of myself. I was devastated. I had so much shame around it. I didn’t have friends because I wasn’t living in the state that I grew up in, but it’s like, okay, I ca I know in my heart.
This is still the right decision. Mm-hmm. Because even though it’s a hard one, it’s still the right one for me, you know? And here I am, all of these, let’s see, my son’s 17 now, so 15 years later, I’m so grateful I made that decision and he, we’ve both moved on, we’re both remarried. Um, he’s, my ex is with I think the per perfect person for him.
I was not it, you know, I met with my match and I’m so grateful that. I was able to kind of push through that hard when I think so many women don’t want to feel that discomfort and so that they, they stay because what they know is better than what they don’t know.
Lesley Logan: Oh, yeah. I, I couldn’t agree more. And I, I mean, like, I definitely, as I like hear your story, what I, what I hear so much is like, because of that situation, it really makes you the most prepared to do what you’re doing right now.
Like if you had, uh, if you had stayed in that relationship like. It doesn’t sound like it was a horrible one. You just weren’t happy and like you definitely would’ve ended up affecting other things in your life. But also if you’d never been married to that person, like your life, be totally different and you wouldn’t be able to help.
You could be the same lawyer with the same, even like a similar child situation, but like you wouldn’t actually be able to relate to women the way that you’re doing it and also empower them the way you are going to they, the way you are now.
Renee Bauer: I don’t think I became a really good divorce lawyer until I got through that and I have.
So in between all of that, I got married a second time, like so I even have that little and that second husband. That relationship lasted from beginning to end, like a year and a half. I mean, we’re talking, meeting, marriage, divorce, and that short of time. So ta pile the shame on there and the embarrassment on, but that journey.
Would not, you know, having gone through that, like I can connect with clients and other women who are saying, um, you know, I’m so scared I get it. Like I was too. Like I understand the fear around money and you can still work through it. So before I, you know, I was a decent lawyer, but having that pain and experiencing the emotional rollercoaster of going through that, I think changed everything about how I practiced and, and represented my clients.
Lesley Logan: Yeah, you can see them and, and also you can understand that that, and you said the word like it’s shame. Like there is so much shame whether you go through a divorce or thinking of going through a divorce, you go through another one. My mom, um, she’s gone through too, and I can tell that the shame that she still carries around that.
Um, what are some things that you help you helped yourself or help other clients do to deal with that shame part? Because that I think can be the one that changes your life the most. Like that could keep you from doing anything else after a divorce. I love this question
Renee Bauer: so much because it wasn’t until I started actually speaking out and speaking, going on a podcast like this and talking about my two divorces that I overcame the shame.
So prior to that, I was like going into work and, and doing all of the things. I’d come home and still be kind of living in this world of like, I was embarrassed. I didn’t wanna talk about it. I didn’t wanna share any of my personal story with my colleagues or like other lawyers or let anyone know about it.
But I had gone on a friend’s podcast and she started, she, she said, I’m gonna interview you. I’ll bring sushi over. We’ll have a couple martinis. It’ll be all good. So she did that. I’m like, Ooh, sushi. Okay, I’m, I’m in. We poured the martini. She clipped on the mic and she. Started asking me about my divorce and maybe I was a little buzzed, but I actually started answering really honestly.
And when that episode came out, people had reached out to me to say like, Hey, that was my story too. Thank you for speaking so vulnerably about it. And that’s when I realized I need to talk about this and not be ashamed about it. And so now, now it’s like, it’s, it’s second nature to just, to be like, yeah, I’m divorced twice, so what?
You know? And so it was, it was sharing it, and I think so often, People don’t wanna share that. And they’re almost like, apologize. It’s like, you know, the whisper like, oh, I’m divorced, or I’m twice divorced. And it’s like, just own it. Be like, you know what? I, I was in two relationships that didn’t work out and I made the, the brave decision to leave that because I wanted more from our family, for us, for our kids.
And you know that that’s okay. You know,
Lesley Logan: I wanna highlight that because there are many women listen to this podcast. We have a few good men and then we have mostly women and I. I wanna highlight that you said you made the brave decision to leave. I think, um, though, that if we could actually change the stigma around divorce and we could actually focus on, um, that you may, that it’s brave and courageous to, you know, Acknowledge that this is not the right relationship for either person, then I actually think there’d be more happiness in this world, and also children raised in households where they can see that confidence comes from like, choosing yourself and that you can choose yourself.
Um, I, I, I actually think it would be way different than people like trying to stick it out for longer and or some people are in relationships, unfortunately, where there is. Trauma happening and things like that, and like that, that there’s a shame around divorce. So they’d rather stay in the thing. And it’s like if we could just empower people that it’s actually very brave to choose, you know, to help both people have an opportunity to have love and
Renee Bauer: happiness.
Yeah, and I, and I think if people are being really honest, if they’re in that or you’re on the cusp of divorce, that relationship’s not happy. Neither of you are happy. Because you are not gonna have one person who’s totally happy and the other one who’s miserable, like something, the dynamic it, it whatever is happening there.
The reality of it is both of you are probably in this kind of place of just being stuck or just going through the motions of it. And it breaks my heart that like I have friends who are in relationships or marriages that are not great and they’re not happy. And I’ll say to them, well, you have a choice.
And they’ll be like, no, I don’t. Like, I have three kids. So. Like that isn’t the reason to stay in something where you wake up every day and you, you dislike, and I, I don’t wanna say the word hate, but for some people it’s hate, dislike, or resent. Your your spouse. And if you know, I, I like to say if when your kids go off to college, how do you feel about spending time with your spouse?
And usually if the answer is like, oh God no. Like, I don’t know what we’re gonna do, well that tells you that something needs to be fixed, whether you work on it as a couple, which if that’s possible, then the absolutely do that. Or you make the decision to change the situation. Yeah.
Lesley Logan: Yeah, I think that that’s what a, a great way to picture things, cuz that can really help you.
And also, like, I love that, you know, you people we’re not here saying like, divorce is the answer. You can’t, there are some relationship that absolutely can be worked on, but ob obviously both parties have to want to, to do that. And then action speaks louder than, than the words that are in those things.
So, so to go back to like teaching people worthiness and like also, you know, Also overcoming the fear of that uncertainty. What are, what are some things that, um, that women can do, and especially in if, if that’s, if this is where they’re like thinking of going or where maybe they’re at right now as I listen to this.
Renee Bauer: Yeah. And so I’m bringing this to a, a very strategic, um, to do what they can do because what I have found is that most women have this fear around money, and often they, they’ll come into me and they’ll say, I wasn’t the one who paid the bills, or All the money got deposited into a joint account. I don’t know what’s going on.
So this is a really practical strategy that they can just start to really educate themselves and be informed about what’s happening in their marital finances. Really start to see what’s coming in, what’s going out, what do the bills look like, um, look at retirement statements. Make sure that you have your own credit card.
Set up a separate bank account if all you have is a joint account. So like, really start to do things where you feel empowered from a financial perspective, because so many women feel like they’re, they’re gonna stay stuck because of the money, you know? Mm-hmm. Like we talked about. Mm-hmm. They’re not, they’re not gonna have enough, but if they start to take control of that, then they can.
Start to make decisions that aren’t based on fear, but really are aligned with what they know is true. So it’s really start to get a handle on the money, and that’s like start looking through bank statements and credit card statements and investment statements so you can really understand what there is.
Lesley Logan: Yeah, I think that that’s really, we, um, at our house, we call it the sahu, the State of the Financial Union. And once a month, and I hate the meeting, I really do, but I also don’t wanna not be at the meeting because like, it didn’t make me feel good to not know what’s going on. So we once a month sit down and we know how much money is the next month supposed to bring in, how much are we?
And like it’s a little bit business and a little bit personal because obviously we work for ourselves. So if the business doesn’t make its money, we don’t make our money. So we actually sit through and go, okay, yes, we expect all these members to stay on. We expect, oh, I expect these ones to leave. Oh, we have these events coming up.
We can expect to make this much. Okay. Every, all the, there’s no stress on payroll, there’s no stress on this. And then, um, while Brad does pay our bills, well my sister actually works for us and she like sends all the money around. I’m on all the, I get all the emails. This has been paid, this has been paid, this has been paid.
So like I am involved in knowing where things are at. And then my husband and I actually never joined our, uh, bank accounts. We’ve always had ’em separate. Yeah. Just kind of made sense cuz he had his own business at the time and I had my own. And it allows, It allows me to feel like I don’t ever have to a, not that he, he would ever ask me to, but I don’t ask.
I don’t ever feel like I have to ask to buy a cent something if I want something. Yeah. It’s like I have my own money, I have my own credit card. You know, as long as I can be responsible with all that, then I can know I’m good with my things. I, you know
Renee Bauer: what? And that’s such a hot button topic, because I like, I posted something on TikTok and it went a little nutty and people were coming at from all different angles.
I agree with you. I, there’s nothing wrong with keeping things separate and my husband and I too, we all have separate stuff and we have a joint bank account that really sits there kind of dormant. We don’t use it because everything, we’re kind of operating from our separate. That doesn’t mean you’re setting yourself up or getting prepared for divorce.
It just means that you have some financial independence. And having that state of the union is so important because even though things are separate, you come together and you look at the full picture. So people get really triggered by that, and they think like, well, if you’re, you’re keeping things separate, then that means your relationship isn’t totally unified.
And I disagree. Yeah. I think that,
Lesley Logan: yeah, I couldn’t, I, I agree. And I, you know, TikTok is a whole other world of Oh, it certainly
Renee Bauer: is. I just, it’s such a weird place, but
Lesley Logan: like, Almost the people who are saying that, I feel like there’s more fear on, on their end, like that you’re almost highlighting something, um, that they’re, uh, unwilling to acknowledge.
But it’s like your relationship can be hot and connected and it doesn’t have to be by a bank account. Like that’s what tell you you’re having a great relationship. So, um, I love, I love that tool. Um, when it, when when women are, um, obviously they’re spare around money. Do, what other fears have you seen that keep them from maybe making this decision or also they know that they make the decision, but like making the next steps so that they can thrive On the other side?
Renee Bauer: alone, that’s always a big one. Um, figuring out, so being alone and having to figure out like, How are you cutting the lawn? I mean, that’s one of my favorite stories is like one of my first weekends after divorce, it was maybe a few weeks had gone by and I looked out in my lawn and they were like weeds all over the place.
I’m like, ah, shit. Like I need to handle this. And I went out with a weed whacker and weed whacked a half acre, and it was a disaster. And then on Monday I went and hired someone. But it was like doing simple things like that that you never had to think about. And people think like they’re. Overwhelmed, like, how am I going to have the, the driveway plowed?
And, and, and there’s solutions to all of that. So you don’t put your happiness online just because you’re worried about the, the shrubs needing pruning. Mm-hmm. So that’s, you know, that’s one of the things. And then often the kids, people are afraid of messing up their kids. And I, what I say to them is, conflict causes problems and it causes, um, Con consequences in, you know, in kids, what kids are seeing and how they’re being raised.
It’s not, it’s not the divorce, it’s the conflict. Mm-hmm. So, being in a house where there’s a ton of conflict and a ton of fighting, they’re seeing that now you’re normalizing what, what a relationship looks like to them. And let me tell you, they’re gonna go on and make those same mistakes and not have a healthy relationship because they’re mirroring what the, what they grew up in rather than watching.
To their parents, maybe live separately, but also live in a, in a happy environment. And I know that that’s kind of black and white and there’s a whole lot of in between there with levels of conflict, even when you’re divorced. But often people think that the divorce itself is going to screw kids up, and it’s just not, it’s not true.
Yeah, I think,
Lesley Logan: I think you’re right. I think, um, you know, there’s that whole like childhood divorced kids, like divorced homes like from the eighties and nineties. And I think that if you really look at it, it was the way that conflict was really. Put through with divorces, like there’s conflict getting to the divorce, and then the divorces are messy and ugly.
And, and so like, the kids are not, it’s not the divorce, it’s the messy and ugliness that they’re seeing from their parents who, the parents say they love them, but that like, they’re like, it’s, but they’re, it’s just, it’s all a hot mess. So I, I agree. I think, um, One of our guests, Amy Ledin, she’d said, um, actions are caught not taught.
And if you are wanting your kids to go open a world where they get to have choice, they get to feel happy.
Lesley Logan: They get to feel like they have potential and possibility in this world and love, but you’re raised ’em a household where like they can clearly see that the two adults do not have that kind of passion for each other, or love for each other, or respect for each other.
They’re seeing that they’re seeing those actions and that that is going to be something that. They either resent you for or they think is normal, as you say, that normalizes it, and then that’s how their relationships go.
Renee Bauer: Yeah. Like, and you think about, like, I have a, a son and three stepkids. I want them to be happy.
And if that means walking away from a relationship that isn’t good and, and, and filing for a divorce or, or leaving that, then so be it. If they’re happy and rather than staying, you know, and it’s like, It’s what do you want for them? And if you can’t, like if, if you, if I ask a client, like, if this was your daughter’s relationship, what would you tell her?
And they’ll say, well, I tell her to leave. Well, why is that not good enough for you? Like, why is it different for her? And guess what? She’s watching you. And if she’s, if she sees you not leaving and sees that maybe her dad or or her stepdad isn’t treating you right, like what does she take from that? You know?
Mm-hmm. Just, it’s, it’s hard though. It’s hard, you know? It’s easy for, for someone to listen, be like, yeah, but you don’t get it. It, it’s, you know, there’s so many, of course it is hard, like there are so many factors and it’s not a simple process to walk away and there’s so much untangling and uncoupling, but it’s still worth it.
Yeah. If you’re living in a bad relationship or a stagnant, or there isn’t love, Yeah, it’s worth it. You’re
Lesley Logan: worth it. I, I love that you, and thank you for your knowledge and that I, like, if you’re listening to this and you’re like, you guys, it’s like, it’s not gonna be easy. It’s not gonna be easy. It’s not easy.
Even if you, if the, if it’s a conscious uncoupling, like yeah, it’s still not easy. Um, because that, that’s the end of a chapter. That’s end of a story. It’s end of a book and like, you know, there’s a lot of unraveling to do there. But, um, I, I will stand by you and like, you know, we, it is so much more important.
On the other side of it, and now however long that takes you, like, you know, it’s, it doesn’t have to be tomorrow that you make this decision. You can prepare and ready yourself to ready up. But like I do think that being honest with yourself about what you deserve in this world, I. You know, and I, I believe that everyone has this purpose, as I’m sure you do, and like there’s lives that they can change and there’s people that they can love.
And if you are not in a place where you feel loved or feel happy or feel respected, you can’t show up in the world No. And give people
Renee Bauer: anything. No. When I was in that second bad marriage, and that one was really toxic, I was an awful boss. I was an awful lawyer. I was an, I was, uh, not a very good or present parent.
I wasn’t a good friend. Like I was just, I, I was, I was my worst version. Like I could not possibly shine light on anyone else because I was sitting in so much darkness.
Lesley Logan: Yeah. Yeah. Um, How do you prepare people to go through the steps of a divorce? Like, are there things that they, that we should, that we, I’m not gonna include myself.
I’m doing great, but are there things that people can, um, can, like, think about and consider? Because obviously there’s the filing, but then like, you know, depending on what state you live, and it could be months long, there’s all these things. So like what are some things like emotionally though that they could, we could think about to, to, to go through that process?
Renee Bauer: Uh, find, find your tribe. Find a support system. Um, that may not include friends and family. So those people who are around you now, they’re really well intentioned, but they may not be the best person to go to. So find a community of people, and there’s so many of them out there in, in this world, and pri like, I have a private Facebook group for divorced women, but find a really positive tribe of people who get what you’re going through.
Um, so you don’t feel so alone in it. And the other thing is make sure it, you know, start to put the steps in place to educate yourself and, um, like I had mentioned, start gathering financial documents. Meet with a couple lawyers. Don’t just go to a person who’s someone recommended. Uh, go and have a couple consultations, even if they’re paid.
And trust your gut. Like, who, how do you feel about this person? Can you work with them, um, and make sure you’re making a decision based on what. What they offer, like is it aligned with how you wanna go through the process? Um, because a lot of times people will hire someone because they heard through the grapevine, someone’s cousin’s uncle, use this person.
They had a good experience. Well, they might not be the right person for you. So just like, keep checking in with your gut. And like having some grace in recognizing it’s going to be really hard. Just bring yourself back to center to remind yourself this is still the right decision, even if it’s hard. And you get that right support around you outside of the court, inside the court, um, and everything in between.
And just keep like your eye on the prize and recognizing like, this is just a moment. It’s a moment. It might last a while, it might last a year, but it’s a moment and there will be a time when you’ll start to feel really, really good about your decision.
Lesley Logan: Yeah. I, I love that you said find a tribe. I think, um, because it might not be your friends and family, cuz there’s, it’s like telling a coworker you’re gonna leave a job.
Even that’s like, they’re gonna be like, oh, should you be doing that? Well, what about your vacation? Yeah. What about this? And it’s, and they’re projecting their fear of for themselves about the change in the life that you leaving is going to make. And so they might not be the best people to, to talk to cuz they may, unfortunately, with all the love in the world, say the wrong thing.
And, and then you’re gonna feel more alone and more like you’re doing the wrong thing. Yeah. Or more that you’re crazy. And so I, I do think it’s important to find people who, who can’t do that. And also, you know, when I left my ex, when I had met him, I had just moved to LA so all of my friends were his friends.
The other friends I had were like clo like acquaintances from work, but like they were all his friends. So when we, when I, when I left, like I lost everything, all the friends house, and then I totaled my car leaving. So that was its own thing. So I was like, okay, Jesus, take the wheel. Just take whatever, whatever I’m not supposed to have, just get rid of it all cuz I don’t really wanna, I don’t wanna go through this anymore.
And, um, But I was so grateful cuz I had this one friend who was introduced to me. That person did not, I did not, I only met her one time while I was with him, so she had no idea who I was then. So we just became these like best friends for a summer and she got me to the other side of that whole transition.
Um, and she’s also one that introduced me to Brad. So it was like a very interesting. Interesting person to have in my life, but I don’t think, um, it would’ve been, I would’ve felt the same and come out the same and look back 10 years later and go, that was the fucking best thing I ever went through. Thank goodness I went through that.
Renee Bauer: Yeah, I, you know, for me it was, um, I had the same thing because all, none of all of my friends were my ex’s friends, so I really had like maybe one or two people in the state and I wasn’t super close to them. I decide to sign up for yoga. I’m like, I’m gonna do yoga and I’m gonna show up and, and let me tell you, every time I thought to myself, every time I don’t have my son when I’m miserable and when I’m like, so sad, I’m gonna go to yoga because I’m gonna fill that time.
I was like putting a bandaid over it. But I started to enjoy it. I started to actually get to know the community of women who went there. Then I started to do things with them outside of the studio, and I showed up even when I didn’t want to. Like there were, there was a Saturday morning, I woke up. I was like sitting there over my coffee crying.
I did not wanna go. I’m like, You’re either gonna sit here all day and feel bad for yourself, or you gonna put some leggings on and you’re gonna go to yoga and you’ll probably feel better at the end. So it was like I kept forcing myself to do those things even though I didn’t want to. And it made all the difference because they really became a, a group of friends during that time that I needed to, to get, get me outside of my own head out of my house.
You know? So, and, and I think that’s the one thing too, is just like make force yourself to put yourself in new surroundings with new people. Well, and as you’re saying
Lesley Logan: that, what I like I basically heard is like you’re kinda like being at till you see, you’re putting yourself into a space. Yeah. Where you could be the woman you wanted to be without all that negativity going on.
And then you can meet people and they would get to know the Renee that you wanted people to know. And so there was like this really be like, you had this like safe haven, this island. And I think like, you know, there. No matter how much money or little money you have in every community, there are community classes, there are donation only classes.
There’s just different things, and so, you know, try to find. Different ways that you can have a, a new tribe to meet new people and put yourself And I know for the introverts I know, I hear you. I know
Renee Bauer: I’m an introvert. Yeah. So I like, I get it. Yeah. Yeah.
Lesley Logan: The good news is, is you don’t have to talk to people during class.
It’s just before and after. Yeah. Um, okay. I wanna talk about what you’re doing now because, um, I feel like, uh, like. When you transition to something new, and it’s not like you’re leaving what you’re doing, but you’re adding this new amazing thing. There is another element of like being, until you see it like you are the top of your game over here and now you’re like starting this whole thing over here.
And so how has that been going? What are you ex the most excited about right now?
Renee Bauer: I love that, that, um, so, you know, imposter syndrome is a real thing and you could look at someone and be like, oh, they’re doing all the things and they’re successful and it still sneaks in. So yeah, it’s. It’s le it’s starting a new thing, a new company, and you start from the ground.
And it’s exciting though. It’s like filled with possibility. Um, I don’t, you know, doing it without expectation attached to it is kind of amazing too. It should be like, I’m gonna just follow what feels really good and what feels aligned and see where it brings me. So the She Who Wins, uh, summit is a live event that I created last year.
Didn’t know who was gonna show up. Wasn’t even sure. Like I thought that I was gonna have to like, beg people to come and fill the seats. And we ended up selling out. Um, and we’re doing it again in 2023 on April 29th at Mohegan Sun Casinos. So, um, it’s all about coming together and being in the room together because some of the most impactful things that I’ve ever done is when I put myself in the room mm-hmm.
And connected with other women. Women who are doing really awesome things and like authentically make, I mean, look at how you and I met. Is we connected by putting ourselves in the room? Yeah. Yeah. And it’s just like, it’s amazing, like what you can learn from other people and that’s, that was the inspiration behind it is like, let’s hear from people who are doing incredible things.
Let’s bring them all together. Let’s have some fun. It’s not just education, it’s some entertainment. It’s, you know, getting up in some movement and be inspired and motivated, but also walk away with some actionable items that you can immediately implement in your life.
Lesley Logan: I love this. I couldn’t agree more and, and.
You the, we were in a, in a, an awesome small. And what was so fun about our in-person is that I was, when you asked who you I, who you wanted, like we wanted more amazing women in your life. And I was like, oh, can you talk to Karine? Which Kareem was on our show, um, in the beginning. And you’re like, I just met Karine.
And so fu what’s a really crazy and amazing is when you do put yourself in amazing spaces, you start to meet. People who know similar people and you end up very quickly in a really awesome group of people with shared, shared experiences, shared values, shared wants and dreams, and then you start to propel each other forward.
And the only reason I met Kareen is cuz I put myself in another room that I really didn’t wanna go to. I almost like got sold my ticket. I was like, I don’t really need to go to this thing. And I went Any. Anyways, and it was the best, the best thing it could have ever. The, the, the reason we’re listening to this podcast is because of these rooms that I put myself in, where I was like, I got myself into place where I’m like, oh, I could do that.
Oh, this is how I could do it. And I could, um, I could see those things. And too often we, we wait until we’re ready or until the stars align or tell. Everything is figured out before we put ourself in a space where we would say, I don’t know how to do this thing. And like the rooms that we have, we’ve met in, it’s like, I have this problem and I don’t know how to solve it.
And that is so much vulnerability. And immediately you have connection with other people,
Renee Bauer: and I think women are afraid in general to ask for help. And, you know, we, we take all of this stuff on and we try to balance it all. And we, we, we think that we can figure it out on ourselves. We don’t want to burden other people.
And there’s so many amazing people who want to help. And it’s like, it’s incredible when like, like I’ve learned to ask for help for things and. When I reach out to someone and be like, Hey, I need help with something, I immediately, the response is like, oh yeah. Like absolutely I can, I can send you this, or I can make this introduction like we want.
So when you’re surrounding yourselves with people who genuinely want to help you, like it’s amazing because you never feel alone in this journey. Yeah.
Lesley Logan: Yeah, I, I, I wish we, um, I would love to figure out what it is that we were taught when we were younger. Like cuz all, obviously we all got a message that, that we’re not supposed to ask for help cuz it’s gonna look like we don’t, like we are, don’t know what we’re doing.
Um, but it is, it is so true. Like the people I find that. All of my friends want, have, want to help. They want, like anyone you’ll meet wants to be part of whatever you’re creating. People want to be supportive, but we are so, we are like, I gotta do it all on my own. Like the be like, it doesn’t matter unless I did it myself.
Renee Bauer: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I have, I have like a story of that trying to get into college, get into law school, and it was someone who knew someone who could help me get into the school. I’m like, no, I don’t want the introduction. I’m gonna do it on my. Oh, you know, and then when the rejection rolled in, I was like, oh shit.
You know, maybe I should have asked for the help. But yeah, I don’t know where it comes from, but that’s how, that’s how I always felt. It was like, I’m not strong enough, or it doesn’t, it’s not, it doesn’t matter or it’s not an achievement. Yeah. If I have to actually ask someone to assist me.
Lesley Logan: Yeah, it’s, um, yeah, that’s just, it’s, it’s so funny.
So ladies, everything you need to hear is like, ask for help because people actually wanna help you. And also it does, it’s not a reflection on you that you like, no one is like, oh, that person she asked for help. Yeah. Yeah. You know,
Renee Bauer: and you know what, and being so vulnerable about it too. Like now I’ll just be like, I have a problem and here’s what it is.
And like, I don’t care. Like, it doesn’t mean that, oh, she’s not as successful because she has a problem with this thing and needs, needs help. Like, no, let’s not. I think that’s something that, that we, cause if someone comes to me and says, Hey, I have something, can you help me with it? I don’t look at them and be like, huh, who are they?
Like they’re not, you know, they’re not a successful person cuz they’re asking, so why are we doing that to ourselves?
Lesley Logan: Yeah. Yeah. I think the more we can start to treat ourselves the way we treat other people in all ways, I think we’ll actually get a lot farther. So you’re writing a book. Um, has that been a fun process?
Is it been an enjoyable process? Is it like a whole new experience? Like what’s it, what’s it been
Renee Bauer: like? Um, so I’m a writer before I am anything else? I’ve been writing for a really long time, just. Of even being a kid. So that was, uh, that was such a joyful process. I mean, that was, and as I started to write, I, you know, that was a journey too.
It’s kind of interesting cause I wrote a number of chapters and I looked back at it and I’m like, this is very surface level. It’s not, uh, it’s not deep enough. And I said, you know, in order to like really connect, I’m like, I think I need to like, kind of pour my heart and soul and vulnerability onto these pages.
And I scrapped those chapters and said, let me start again. And let me talk about things that I’ve never shared before. Um, so it was almost like a healing session for me cuz I thought there were things that came up that I thought were completely healed. And I’m like, oh, body image issues and weight issues and stuff like that.
And all of a sudden I’m bringing up memories as I’m writing from, like when I was a kid, I’m like, where the hell did that come from? Like, I thought that that was all tucked away and dealt with. So the writing journey has been, Absolutely beautiful. The book comes out on September 5th, 2023 by Iran Publishing.
Um, I’m so excited to share it with the world because it just, it like is so near and dear to, to me and
Lesley Logan: oh my gosh, I can’t wait for it to come out. We’ll have to make sure our peeps, um, all know it’s coming out because, um, it’s. You’re the, when you one, if you love writing, then like it’s going to come across on the page.
But also to be so vulnerable and to actually go deep, that is going to change it. Cuz so many books I’ve, I’ve read, I’m like, well this is great. Yeah, this is nice, this is good wallpaper. Um, but
Renee Bauer: like, we don’t want wall. But I find that the
Lesley Logan: books that like I talk about so much are the ones where I can tell the author shared in such a vulnerable way that I’m like, I can see myself, I can feel myself, I can understand it, you know, so, um, a, a recent book I read was Meta Apocalypse, and I wanna get her on the show, but like, she was so vulnerable about her story and her journey of perimenopause that I like, I actually felt like I could be in the, like, I could actually understand what she was talking about in a way I could feel it in my body and like, You know, that’s another thing that I think we can, can be so hard.
It’s like, I don’t wanna share everything because then people will know all the things. So it’s like most people have gone through what you’re going through and they just wanna feel seen. So if you actually just share all those dark, dirty stories that you’ve, you’ve put those labels on that are actually just experiences that you had that made you who you are, you’ll have more people who are like, oh my gosh, like you’ve, no, you’ve made me feel so seen.
I get you, you know? Yeah.
Renee Bauer: Yeah. Yeah. And that, and that was the, the reason behind it. That was the reason behind the stories. Cuz the book isn’t about me, it’s just, it’s moments, it’s stories, it’s just, uh, that tie into what we’re talking about in that chapter. But it’s not my life story. I’m not telling you my journey from childhood to adulthood, but it’s these moments that were so difficult for me and caused so much pain.
Or joy moments of joy too, and laughter and stupidity. Um, stories and like some stupid things that I’ve done that I’ve been so embarrassed about. And it’s like, it’s the humanity of it. Mm-hmm. So if someone can read that and say, oh, I had, I didn’t have that experience, but I had that similar feeling and I experienced something that, you know, was my own version of it, then, you know, I, I did my job as a writer.
Yeah. And, and ultimately that’s just it. I wanna move people emotionally.
Lesley Logan: Yeah. Ugh. Well, I can’t wait to announce, um, to our peeps when your book is ready to be purchased and all of those things. Um, Renee, we’re gonna take a quick break and then we’re gonna find out how people can find you, follow you, work with you, and you’ll be at action Night at school.
Okay, Renee, where do you like to hang out? We know TikTok, but what are your handles?
Renee Bauer: I, I actually don’t like TikTok, so don’t go over there. Um, Instagram’s kind of my favorite, favorite place. It’s at Ms. Renee Bauer, so I’m always in there responding to dms.
Lesley Logan: And you have a podcast. She who wins. I do. Yep. On all major platforms.
Awesome. So wherever you listen to this, you guys, you can listen to that. Um, I was on that, uh, on one of the episodes and I know some of my other dear friends, but on this, so you have to go, uh, do a little binge listen, so, okay. Bold, executable, intrinsic, targeted steps people can take to be it till they see it.
Renee Bauer: Yeah, so I’m bringing it back to Money. Ladies know your money. Don’t be afraid to talk about money, to dig into it, to ask for it, to ask for the raise to, uh, to understand how it’s serving you or how it’s not serving you. And I think if we’re talking about like one action item is like, treat yourself like you are the c f O of your life.
Treat yourself as if you are your own business. Don’t let it money rule you. You take control of it. And because that is the, it’s so powerful. It gives you the courage to do things. It gives you the courage to walk away from things that aren’t serving you. So don’t be afraid to get really up close and personal with your money relationship.
Lesley Logan: Mm. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I love that so much. Renee, this is amazing. We’ll have to have you back. Um, thank you so much for being you and being here. Everyone. How are we going to use these tips in your life? Let us know. Tag the be it pod tag, Ms. Renee Bauer. And until next time, be it till you see it.
That’s all I’ve got for this episode of the Be It Till You See It podcast. One thing that would help both myself and future listeners is for you to rate this show and leave a review. And, follow or subscribe for free wherever you listen to podcasts. Also, make sure to introduce yourself over on IG at the @be_it_pod on Instagram. I would love to know more about you. Share this episode with whoever you think needs to hear it. Help us help others to BE IT TILL YOU SEE IT. Have an awesome day!
‘Be It Till You See It’ is a production of the ‘Bloom Podcast Network’.
It’s written, filmed and recorded by your host, Lesley Logan and me, Brad Crowell.
It is produced and edited by the epic team at Disenyo.
Our theme music is by Ali at APEX Production Music. And our branding by designer and artist, Gianfranco Cioffi.
Special thanks to Melissa Solomon for creating our visuals and Ximena Velasquez for our transcriptions.
Also to Angelina Herico for adding all the content to our website. And finally to Meridith Crowell for keeping us all on point and on time.
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